Boy- I think the name of this post pretty much sums up how I feel. Im tired and frustrated and feel as though my parenting skills stink lately.
Sarah is 3 1/2. A fireball of stubborn energy throwing temper tantrums at me left and right. Barely giving me time to recover from one tantrum before she spirals into another one. I dont know what else to do. I feel as though I have "tried" everything as far as discipline and positive reinforcement to no avail.
She gets angry and grinds her teeth, screams, kicks, hits, bites, and throws things. Yikes. I know alot of it stems from her inability to effectively communicate her feelings/desires....But.....damn I dont even know what to say....I talk to her about her bad attitude and then I raise my voice that is normally followed by a time out- which normally ends with her kicking her walls and throwing things- then of course comes the kicking, hitting some more screaming and the occaisionaly biting. Speaking of biting she has never been a big biter until recently.
It always seems to end in the dreaded spanking. I hate spanking-strike that I loathe spanking her. I feel like a hypocrit- I tell her hiting is not nice but then I spank her when I have had enough- sending mixed signals to her... Sigh......
i especially feel guilty spanking or yelling sometimes because she is adopted, does that make sense? Anyon else feel like this? Any stories, thoughts or suggestions would be imensely appreciated.....
Showing posts with label Primal Wound. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Primal Wound. Show all posts
Tuesday, May 06, 2008
Primal Wound
I love my daughter-more than I love anything in this entire world-including myself. Becoming a mother has been the best thing that has ever happened to me. I recognize that by myself gaining this joy- another has lost a piece of them. My daughters first mom and my daughter. The loss to Sarahs first mom is obvious.
See our adotion experience is different. We did not enter into an open adoption. We actually adopted through foster care. The first mom (FM-for further typing purposes) did not in the beginning wish to lose her daughter. She did not make an adoption plan. She had no intention of doing so. But due to circumstances- she found herself sick with very serious addiction problems.
To add to that struggle- she is bipolar. I had met with the FM on several occaisions and the love for Sarah was apparent, but she could not battle her demons to become a safe person to raise her children. She knew my husband and I would adopt Sarah if that was what path we started to head toward. She tried initially to work the caseplan but was unable to do so. I talked to her frequently updating her on the baby and offering her support. After 4 months she decided to terminate her rights, and the birthfather also agreed willingly to do so.
The rest of our story is history from there. Or is it? I look at my daughter everyday and I know she has her mothers eyes and nose, her fathers ears. I read what books on adoption I could find. None of which really covered the whole foster to adopt scenario. So in a way we are winging it. Just doing the best we can do to let her know her story. But on a deeper level-I wonder-does she know? Does she know her loss? She as a toddler is a stubborn girl, with frequent outbursts of anger. Is this anger normal toddler behavior? Or is it the anger and frustration surfacing from a loss she feels but does not understand?
I feel like adoption is like an onion- and the layers just keep peeling back. My husband thinks I am overanalyzing- but I just do not know. Because I have never had that loss. I just want to do the best thing for my daughter. I have the urge to contact the FM every once in awhile- just recently I found her-in jail. Her lifestyle has not changed and is actually becoming worse. In a sort of way I feel responsible for that too. Granted she has had her problems-which was what brought around the whole adoption to begin with- but how can some one recover from all of that and with the pain of losing her child unwillingly?
See our adotion experience is different. We did not enter into an open adoption. We actually adopted through foster care. The first mom (FM-for further typing purposes) did not in the beginning wish to lose her daughter. She did not make an adoption plan. She had no intention of doing so. But due to circumstances- she found herself sick with very serious addiction problems.
To add to that struggle- she is bipolar. I had met with the FM on several occaisions and the love for Sarah was apparent, but she could not battle her demons to become a safe person to raise her children. She knew my husband and I would adopt Sarah if that was what path we started to head toward. She tried initially to work the caseplan but was unable to do so. I talked to her frequently updating her on the baby and offering her support. After 4 months she decided to terminate her rights, and the birthfather also agreed willingly to do so.
The rest of our story is history from there. Or is it? I look at my daughter everyday and I know she has her mothers eyes and nose, her fathers ears. I read what books on adoption I could find. None of which really covered the whole foster to adopt scenario. So in a way we are winging it. Just doing the best we can do to let her know her story. But on a deeper level-I wonder-does she know? Does she know her loss? She as a toddler is a stubborn girl, with frequent outbursts of anger. Is this anger normal toddler behavior? Or is it the anger and frustration surfacing from a loss she feels but does not understand?
I feel like adoption is like an onion- and the layers just keep peeling back. My husband thinks I am overanalyzing- but I just do not know. Because I have never had that loss. I just want to do the best thing for my daughter. I have the urge to contact the FM every once in awhile- just recently I found her-in jail. Her lifestyle has not changed and is actually becoming worse. In a sort of way I feel responsible for that too. Granted she has had her problems-which was what brought around the whole adoption to begin with- but how can some one recover from all of that and with the pain of losing her child unwillingly?
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