Wednesday, October 25, 2006


We havn't heard anything about Sarah's biological parents for a long time now. Partly because we have a semi closed adoption due to safety issues..Partly because since we are no longer foster parents we are "out of the loop".

I frequently check our local county sherrifs website to "check up" on them to see if they have been in any more trouble...I thought all was going well.

Until I found out her bio mom is living in a different county now. Lo and behold she has been busy. According to that countys' website. I feel an indescribable amount of sadness over this. I had thought for awhile now that maybe she was getting her life together, that maybe she was trying....

I was hoping. But I am/was wrong. I guess I never will understand the power of addiction has over a person---especially when you lose a child to said addiction.

I know on some level she does love Sarah. But she does not have any of her three children. I can't imagine soemthing like an addiction having such a strong hold over me that I could not or would not be able to fight for my children.

I guess all I can do is pray for her. That she cleans up and makes a life for herself so that maybe someday Sarah will at least possibly know her. I am worried that she is in a downward spiral and it will eventually lead to her demise. I don't want to have to explain that to Sarah. I shouldn't have to explain to her that her bio mom chose that lifestyle indefinately...

I don't know. What do you guys think? How would you explain to your child that their biological parent chose that lifestyle over their children?? How?


DrSpouse said...

There has been a lot of talk about this on the Adoption UK website, and many parents seem to say to their children that their birth parents "were sick" or "took bad medicine", which at a young age is probably sufficient.

Even for children who do not remember their birth parents, these things must be incredibly hard.

MamaKBear said...

This is exactly why I have my two little girls now, and why my brother-in-law and his girlfriend don't have a single one of their SEVEN children. And yet, they still choose drugs.

I have no idea what I'll tell them when they get older. I've thought this over myself...

Julie said...

Sadly- I don't think they really do have the ability to "choose" when they are in the midst of addiction. I plan to tell my daughter her mom was sick and couldn't take care of her. That is true.

cChica said...

I think that framing it as a choice is not the right way to put it--either when you explain it or when you think about it. Someone who is addicted has no control adn therefore little choice. I would just tell her that her parents couldn't take care of her. If they chose to give her up or chose not to go to services, it's probably because they knew they couldn't give her what she needs and deserves: a loving family and a safe home.

FosterMommy said...

I agree with other people - it's not a choice like choosing chocolate vs. vanilla.
Addiction is a disease. Even if you don't agree with that, drugs themselves alter the mind so it's hard to make appropriate decisions.

I would tell a child just that: that their mom/dad were very sick and couldn't take care of a baby so they chose to allow us to be their parents.

A lot of parents whose kids are in the system choose adoption by default - they just don't show up for services. It's much easier, emotionally, than actively saying "i can't take care of my child, so i'm surrendering my rights". If they just ignore the situation, then the county TPRs them and they can still feel like it was "done to them". I'm not validating this method, but I do understand it on one level.
Drugs are a hard one to beat and the "lifestyle" can be all-encompassing and very hard to break out of certain crowds.

When a child is a teenager or adult, then I would probably tell them more about their birthparents situation. But I would *never* talk down about them. I don't feel like I'm in a position to judge them. Many people raise children AND have addictions and I'm not going to advocate for that! :)

The Imperfect Christian said...

You don't. You simply say her mother couldn't take care of her and that's why God brought her to you. When she's old enough to understand, THEN you tell her. When she's able to wrap her mind around it. Even then, you tell her YOU don't get it either. said...

You don't *choose* addiction any more than you choose to have cancer. Addiction is a disease. Some people are able to find recovery through 12 step programs or other support groups, while others flounder.

You don't describe it as someone choosing it over their child, you describe it as them being sick people, damaged people or people in the grip of the disease of addiction.

The fact that now the woman is in recovery is a great thing.

You don't have a choice when you are in active addiction, it's almost impossible to stop on your own.

What we need as a society is a stronger awareness that there are millions of alcoholics and addicts who are clean and working together to helps other alcoholics and addicts.

I agree with what Julie wrote.

If you say that an addict or alcoholic chooses that over the child you are saying the child wasn't worth fighting for, nothing could be further from the truth.