Sunday, November 19, 2006
I love my new house!! I am going to have a blast with all my little projects once I actually get there....Speaking of that I will be moving 1200 miles a way in less than 3 weeks and have not packed a thing!!!!!! Talk about pressure!!!!
Sarah is fabulous. Growing like a weed. Talking up a storm. She is addicted to Dora, Blues Clues and Noddy (go figure on that one!). She is 2 years 3 months and is already up to my belly button...Yep I am a short person!!! But seriously this girl is going to be TALL!!!
She loves spaghetti with meat sauce!!! So far the only veggies she will eat on occaision are corn and broccoli....I buy Pediasure and give her one like every 3 days to help make up for all the nutritional things she is lacking in...We are STILL working on the potty training. She does fairly well. She sometimes forgets to go to the potty when she is running around naked and I find a little turd here or there...Not very amusing when it happens first thing in the morning BEFORE I put my contacts in!!!
Saturday, November 04, 2006
When she got closer I got out of my car. She recognized me instantly. She ran over and gave me a hug. We started talking a mile a minute. It was amazing. She told me she is doing well--says she has been sober for almost a year. Gosh I hope so....I would love to believe that for her and Sarahs sake.
We chatted and caught up for at least 30 minutes. I got her new address. I gave her one of Sarahs school pictures from my wallet--and promised to send more next week.
Overall she looked good. She seems to be trying. I had Sarahs halloween costume in my backseat still and I showed it to her. It broke my heart when she asked to smell it. She wanted to see what Sarah smelled like she said. She talked alot about God. She told me before she had Sarah god had told her that she wasn't this babys mommy. She said when she first met me--she knew I was Sarahs mommy. She seems to dealing well with the loss of adoption--as well as anyone in her situation could I guess.
I knew it was fate that I happened to run into her. She has been on my mind constantly the last few weeks. I was having issues with closure of some sort. Every night Sarah and I have a bedtime routine. She has this waterglobe on her dresser with 2 angels inside. Every night I wind it up and ask Sarah to kiss the angels goodnight. Well her bio-maternal grandma died during Hurricane Charley--a few days after Sarah was born. So she never got to meet her. So kissing the angels is a way I was hoping to incorporate the story of her late grandma. But I did not know the womans name.. It was really bothering me. I subscribed to local newspapers archives hoping to find the name of her grandma--thinking it would be listed with Charley fatalities...Nope...
Today I found out her name was Delores. But she went by "Dee-Dee".
Now the truly amazing part of this story for me--Sarah has a pink teddy bear we bought her when she was in the hospital when she was 6 months old. We called him "mr Pinky" or "Pinky". When Sarah started to talk she renamed him...."Dee-Dee"....I really believe her grandma is here and looking out for her...there have been a few other things that have happened that make me think that--but regardless I think it is a precious link to her grandma....
Wednesday, October 25, 2006
I frequently check our local county sherrifs website to "check up" on them to see if they have been in any more trouble...I thought all was going well.
Until I found out her bio mom is living in a different county now. Lo and behold she has been busy. According to that countys' website. I feel an indescribable amount of sadness over this. I had thought for awhile now that maybe she was getting her life together, that maybe she was trying....
I was hoping. But I am/was wrong. I guess I never will understand the power of addiction has over a person---especially when you lose a child to said addiction.
I know on some level she does love Sarah. But she does not have any of her three children. I can't imagine soemthing like an addiction having such a strong hold over me that I could not or would not be able to fight for my children.
I guess all I can do is pray for her. That she cleans up and makes a life for herself so that maybe someday Sarah will at least possibly know her. I am worried that she is in a downward spiral and it will eventually lead to her demise. I don't want to have to explain that to Sarah. I shouldn't have to explain to her that her bio mom chose that lifestyle indefinately...
I don't know. What do you guys think? How would you explain to your child that their biological parent chose that lifestyle over their children?? How?
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
When I originally started this blog--my goal was to write about our then pending adoption of our foster daughter...
Well that is done and over with...We are also no longer foster parents...We decided to let our license lapse after the adoption. We decided that we were blessed to have had such an awesome experience like we did-- that the chances of having an equally wrinkle free case come to us again was nil.
Plus add into the fact we were planning on moving 1200 miles away by the end of this year--continuing to be foster parents was looking less ideal.
So that kinda leaves me at a standstill with this blog as to what to write about...I don't plan on stopping this anytime soon...or ever actually...
I'm hoping to get more on track with me and my surroundings...I want to write about everything in my life...being a mommy and a wife is just a part of who I am.....So let's see how it goes
Monday, October 23, 2006
I think I am going to post a few snapshots of some nature scenes I have taken...Im inspired!!!
Saturday, October 21, 2006
Well anyways-on Friday she had a c-section and had a baby boy!!! I am so happy for her and her husband...I went to see them about 2 hours after the birth and her son is adorable!! It brought back so many emotions for me.
The first time I met her--was in the very same hospital..only I was there with Sarah who was a newborn. It was amazing. I know she will be an awesome mommy!!!
Things are flying by here for us. We are under contract on a house up north. Hopefully the closng will be the third week of November...I even went to the furniture store today and ordered a new livingroom set and a beautiful big girl room for Sarah!! I am soooo excited!! So keep your fingers crossed for us that everything moves smoothly!!!
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
All I ever wanted was to become a mommy. It didn't happen through conventional methods--we had to adopt. Which I am in perfect harmony with now.
To me that is all the more reason I feel like I shouldn't complain about being a mommy sometimes. I fought sooooo hard to be one. I begged and pleaded with God to be one. I have cried enough tears surely to fill an ocean to be one.
But yet I feel guilty for feeling frustrated with mommyhood sometimes. It is not easy. Kids are not easy. Marriage is not easy. I am only human right???!?
Sometimes I just wish I could have 5 minutes. Of peace. Of extra sleep. Of nothing to clean up. Of no laundry to be done. Of no one to feed. Just 5 minutes.
But I remember just over 2 years ago I would have given anything to have 5 minutes of noise, chaos, pitter patter of little feet---anything that meant I was a mommy.....
Saturday, October 14, 2006
I havn't read too much on other blogs about this little guy...
I can just imagine the chaos that is about to happen the moment Walmart announces they have them and people try to run each other over just to get one.....
Thats why I am pleased to announce that I already have one!!!! Woo Hoo!!! I was on the ball a few months ago while at Toys R Us and noticed you could pre-order one for only $10...
I havnt opened the box to peak or anything- besides its supposedly for Sarah-not me-right??
From what I saw online it is hilarious! Its amazing really--just like a little robot!!
Now onto my horrible mommy temptation.....Sarah is only 2--maybe I should just put this one on ebay a few weeks before christmas to sell for an outrageous amount of cash??? I mean its not like she would know right??? I could always buy her one after christmas when the novelty dies down a bit--she wouldnt notice...Do ya think!?!?!?!?
Besides as of right now they are going for like $90 on ebay....not bad for an initial $35 investment..Predicted to go for about $200-300 right before christmas...HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
Thursday, October 12, 2006
Ok so Halloween is fast approaching....I can't believe how this year has literally flown by....
So I was wondering what are you guys who have kids dressing them up as this year?!?!? Luckily Sarah is at an age where she has no real preference yet---so I get to indulge and pick out her costume... Probally the last year for her not wanting to pick... :-(
Her first Halloween she was a bunny, last year she was a ladybug and THIS year......drum roll please.......she shall be a CHICKEN!!! Thats right: bok-bok.
Of course if you ask her she thinks she is going to be a duck!!! Close enough I guess....
posted here are some pics of her trying on this years costume...
Monday, October 09, 2006
You can click on Mamaritavilles' link on the right and go directly to her website!!! Her latest post up is regarding the new controversial "drink" on the market that may or may not be spreading elsewhere in the good ole U.S of A.......Hmmmmmmmm
Other than that things are pretty much status quo..I made an offer on a house and the contract is supposed to be faxed to me tonight---I hope so because I already made an appointment for the home inspector for this Friday....Can you tell how anxious I am to get this ball rolling?!?!?!?
Saturday, October 07, 2006
Tommorrow Sarah will be 26 months old. Believe it or not I am shocked by this little fact.
First of all; I never imagined in my wildest dreams I would actually become a mom. Years of suffering and treating infertility had pretty much erased all hope of that.
When I picked her up from the hospital--she was so tiny. Sooo tiny that I actually could not imagine her ever getting big and growing up...
I spent the day all alone with her today and it was fabulous. She talks alot (kinda---if you count all her gibberish) but she understands just about everything I say to her...we had little conversations all day long today!!!
Her newest "phrase" is "Clean up...put it away.." sounding more like "cween up poooot it ahhhhwaeeeeeeeeee"
Gosh she just makes me smile and feel all warm and fuzzy inside.
I love it when she grabs my hand pulling me and yelling " come on come on"
I love how she knows how to play hide and seek--and half the time I really struggle to find her....
I love how she gives the biggest bear hugs I have ever had---alhough nearly suffocating me!!!
I have been definately feeling the tug on my heart for another child perhaps in another year or two...I would love another little girl...or a boy...lol...The past two years with Sarah have gone incredibly fast--I don't think Im ready to be done with only one child...sigh...
Tuesday, October 03, 2006
Sarah is doing good. She has had back to back to back ear infections lately and has been on antibiotics for alomst 1 month straight now. Yikes. I got her an appointment with an ENT doctor in a few weeks. So I am thinking if this continues---ear tubes here we come!!!!!
Oh and I have discovered a million and one concoctions to disguise medications once she started refusing to take any more meds with the dropper!!! I don't blame her. I am personally sick of giving her the medicine.
I have also been consumed with buying another house. 1200 miles away from where I live right now. Fun, fun, fun....let me tell you!!!
I just wanted to also say a big Congrats to Cindy , Tamara and Lisa!! I am soo happy you guys are on the path to permanency!!!!!!!!!!!!! That is simply spectacular!!!!
I also want to say to MamaKBear that I am soo sorry for all you are going through with yur mother in law and I will be praying for you and your family. It is an unbearable situation you guys are all in and you are doing an amazing job!!
Thursday, September 07, 2006
Sarah was sick yesterday at school with a fever. So she was sent home and I took her to the doctor. Turns out she has a nasty ear infection. Fun times let me tell you. So today she was not allowed back at school (school policy following an ill day) and I had to be at the hospital today for work...So my awesome friend watched her for me. Thank god for you Mary!!! Mary also watches a little 2 month old boy.
Well when I went to pick Sarah up a few hours ago--I decided to hold the baby. It has been soo long since I have held a little one. I miss it!!! Well little miss Sarah did NOT like that at all!!! She cried so hard her face was beet red. She tried climbing on my lap and wanted me to "get rid" of the baby....It just broke my heart!! I can only imagine what she was thinking!! Guess she does not like sharing her mommy!
Oh well...Im all hers!!
Monday, August 28, 2006
We have been trying to work on our marriage. It is hard--I will try not to sugar coat that. Hopefully the light is at the end of the tunnel. Hopefully. After almost 7 years of marriage it is easier sometimes to just let life glide by...until you wake up one morning and think: Who is that person laying next to me?!?!?!?! I guess that is in a nutshell what has happened to us. Sarah is my world. So I have been putting him on the back burner for quite sometime now..my bad...I know I have to make more time for us--Im working on it....
Now on to happier thoughts. Sarah. My beautiful bouncing ball of energy. It is AMAZING how quickly they grow. I love her little conversations. They almost make sense to me now!! She is tall and skinny...That is one thing I thank goodness for her biological parents for!!! At her 2 year doctor appt. she weighed in at 26 1/2 pounds, 34 1/2 inches....The doctor has an interesting equation: you take your childs height at the 2 yr visit and you multiple it by 2, and you should have a ballpark (plus or minus a few inches) of their full adult height...So my little bean should be around 5'8"-5'9"....lol.....that will be interesting considering I am only 5'4" (if I round up!!!).
I hate to "bring down" this post--but I was browsing through the news and came across this article:
It makes me absolutely sick. I will never understand why or how anyone could do that. I would love to be in charge of torturing these people. To make the matter worse; people like this give ALL foster parents a negative image. We all suffer the consequences when these sick bastards hurt children...Imagine the biological parents?? The state takes away your child and then something like that happens to them...I honestly hope that couple rots in hell....
Thursday, August 17, 2006
My heart was once broken
My heart was once broken-
Mommy didn’t know what to do…
There was nothing to fix it
Not even glue…
Daddy tried to make Mommy smile
He tried to make Mommy laugh…
He tried to make Mommy happy…
But nothing would last…
I felt like something was missing
Something not right…
Where- oh where could it be?
I wondered, as I looked out the window
One cold winter night…
A child it was
That I was yearning for;
To hug and to kiss
Forever and ever more..
The pitter patter
Of sweet little feet;
Where the sounds
I had wished for
To come and greet me-
O’ how happy
Was the day I met you-
It was that moment,
All came true….
You filled my heart
With love so great
Healing my soul;
Sealing my fate…
I look around our house-
Everywhere I see-
Dollies and stickers,
And things to play tea..
Ribbons and Bows
And little girls shoes;
My heart was once broken-
Because I didn’t have you…
Wednesday, August 09, 2006
First of all; Sarah was 8 weeks premature. She has always been behind in something. When she was 5 months old we attended physical therapy 2x a week for 6 months--related to torti colis (neck contracture) and other weakness issues...with time all of her issues resolved and she graduated.
One of the problems we knew we would encounter is "how" they grade for developmental milestones. When you have a preemie; they always adjust their age to determine how level evelopmentally they are on. Until that is--the child hit the age of 24 months. Then they do not adjust for age anymore. So basically, you can have a normal 20 month old child whose adjusted age is 18 months--and they are doing everything NORMAL for being an 18 month old technically....THEN you hit 24 months---and your child is automatically "delayed". They are considered to be able to be on par with other normal 24 month olds. And that just sucks.
So they tell me today---Sarah's language skills are estimated to be on the level of a 16 month old. ??????? Really??? I knew she was behind, but---really?????
I am so sad. I did not think she would be that far behind. I mean she talks. She uses words appropriately. But she doesnt seem to have the vocabulary a "normal" 2 year old should have.....
So onto speech therapy we are heading....it will take about 2-3 weeks to get everything arranged and approved. Then it look like 2-4 tmes a week for 30 minutes we will be in therapy...I'm just glad to get this resolved before she is school aged.... It just doesn't seem fair sometimes though......
Monday, August 07, 2006
There is no other woman...I knew from the beginning that was not even an issue. Some women may be skeptical--but not all situations when the husband leaves is due to infidelity.
He is staying with his sister and brother in law about 30 minutes away. When we were talking yesterday he expressed sincere regret that he left us at all. He claims he wants to work it out and come back home this week...He claims it was sheer stupidity and stubborness (sp?) that caused him to uproot as he did.
I don't know. I know I love him. I know Sarah loves him and needs him. I know he is genuinely a good man and an awesome dad.
Yesterday when he told me of his fear of leaving his job to move north; I said to him,"So is it easier for you to leave your family over your job??" I could see the reality of that statement smack him the face.
He told me today " When I am at my sisters...I look around and see all of Sarahs pictures everywhere....and I can't believe what I have done...."
He is supposed to come over tommorrow for Sarahs birthday and stay for dinner and probally the night. So I am hoping we have a better opportunity to talk.......
Saturday, August 05, 2006
My stepdaughter just returned back to her homestate this past Tuesday. The whole 6 weeks she was with us--everything was great. Or so I thought. We have always occaisionally had arguments. Nothing major. Nothing we didn't smooth over. Our conflicts were always typically over some character flaws I (and everyone else) believed he had issues with. I'm not going to get into what here---no...
But this Friday things got a little heated here...Nothing major really. Just arguing/yelling. Nothing physical. So I went to work this morning--he called me and told me to get home now.
I went home thinking something was wrong. He stated he was leaving me. He was tired of my "shit". He was tired of having to "justify" his every action/decision with me...Ummmm---is that not what marriages sometimes consist of? I mean don't married people discuss things??? Don't they make decisions TOGETHER??? Or is my perception of marriage totally warped...???
I'm by no means perfect. I know that. I can be a bitch. But I really did not see this coming. I do not think I did anything that could justify this....till death do us part right??? I guess....
So he packed ALL of his things up and left. Thank God he left while Sarah was napping. Surprisingly--I was ok with it. Until she woke up.. and asked for Daddy. Then I just lost it. How could he do this to her??? How?? Our child.
Then of course he had to come back when she was awake. To get his stupid other truck..he stayed for 15 minutes and left..She cried and cried for her daddy. She wanted to go with him...This is horrible.
He says he will come by tommorrow and see her and then he will visit every Sunday..Yeah right- I don't believe him.. Every Sunday-that is a laugh. How could you say you LOVE a child then only plan to see them once a freakin week???
I feel like I let my baby down. Now she has no father technically. I feel like it is my fault. I know once we move out of state (like planned!!) in a few months she will never see him again--I just know it. How do I explain to her that she has lost 2 daddies (bio & adoptive)??? I feel like such a failure as a wife and mother....
Thursday, August 03, 2006
We had such a great time. We decorated everything with Strawberry Shortcake theme...it was lovely...we even hired a Strawberry Shortcake character to entertain all the kids--and she did the build a bear workshop!!!! I LOVE build a bear now!!!
I just can't believe she is almost 2!! I am in shock. She looked like such a big girl at her party. She even opened her own presents this year...
The last 2 years with my princess have been amazing. I am a mommy. Some days I never thought I would be one. I remember all the times I pleaded with God-- "please just let me be a mommy....please just let me be pregnant...."
I got my wish. It took longer than I would have liked--but I would wait a million times over again for my little princess. I really DO thank god for unanswered prayers. I am glad I never became pregnant with a biological child--if I did--I wouldn't have Sarah....She was definately meant to be my daughter. I could not imagine my life without her.
Over the course of our whole experience fostering to adopt-- so many people would say to me how "lucky" Sarah was to have been in our family and adopted by us...I would just smile and nod my head...how clueless these people really were....for WE are the lucky ones--to have her as our daughter...
Sarah saved me. She did. My little 4 pound miracle saved me from a life of not being what I had most desired: a mother. She has taught me so much. About love; patience---she has taught me how to be silly and LIVE.
I truly would not be the person today without her.
So I would just want to say thank you Sarah. For being my daughter, and mending my heart instantly the day we brought you home from the hospital--that was the first time I had ever felt complete in my life....
I love you baby girl---with all of my heart...
Friday, July 28, 2006
We had been entertaining the idea of fostering for a year or two--actually it was mainly me... My husband wasn't sure he wanted to go down that road... Actually he wasn't even positive he wanted to adopt... But men are different (most--not ALL!!!)..My husband already had a child from a previous marriage. So he really didn't have that yearning to be a parent. Myself on the other hand, I was obsessed. After numerous rounds of infertility treatment that wrecked havoc on my body and soul- I was even more desperate to be a mommy. I did not care how I became a mommy-- I just wanted to be one.
Adoption was my only choice it seemed. I'm sure you all know how darn expensive domestic & international adoption is... Infertility treatments took their toll on us financially and I did not want to "save" for 4-5 years to be able to afford adoption. I wanted to be a mommy NOW!!!!
So that is what basically led us to the whole foster to adopt journey. It really was an ideal situation. It would cost us nothing; we would be parents; and a child would have an awesome home- which might not have had one otherwise.... Everyone's a winner--right???
Then it came time to break the news to the family...Afterall we did need references!! I told my mom and dad first. They were kinda supportive. I don't think they understood were all of this was coming from. We had (and still do) keep our whole infertility journey to ourselves. I didn't want anyones advice on how to get pregnant. I did not want our whole reproductive life to be gossiped about by family members... Yep thats my family--a bunch of gossip mongers..sigh..
Most of my extended family was really supportive--especially my cousins. The one person who loomed above our decision was my grandmother. Oh the questions she asked!!! Why do you want to do that??? Can't you have your own children??? You know those children are nothing but problems??? I used to know.....and her foster kids set fire to everything!!!! It would go on and on and on....
She could not fathom why we would do it. My one cousin told me about what she was saying behind my back... "Michelle & A must need the money....why else would they take in foster kids!!!!"
Now THAT was stepping over the line. First of all; my husband and I do really well for ourselves... I am her only grandchild that graduated highschool--let alone college!! I am her only grandchild who is married (before having kids)!!! I am her ONLY grandchild that BUILT our own house!! (on the beach no less WHEN I was ONLY 21!!!!)...Pretty good when you consider she has 32 grandkids!!!!!!!!
So the very idea she thought we were "doing" it for money enraged me. All we wanted was a child. That's it. I kept thinking, "who the heck could even MAKE any money being a foster parent??????". The board payments barely make up for the neccessities!! Good Lord.
So that was my general experience with my family. What was your like? How did you break the news to your family?? I have quite a few more issues to post about regarding this grandma!! Watch for those posts--it is going to be like group therapy in here!~!
Wednesday, July 26, 2006
So if you havn't checked her out by now--go ahead and click on her thumbnail in my tenant box...You won't be disappointed!!!!
Tuesday, July 25, 2006
Monday, July 24, 2006
We have never had any family pictures taken so this will be a first. It's horrible--these are the FIRST pictures I have had taken with Sarah....I should have done a cheapo family picture at least once when she was a baby...Live and Learn I guess...
Friday, July 21, 2006
Well it is about that time. Sarah's 2nd birthday is rapidly approaching...her bangs are long and scraggily...AND we are having family pictures done at the beach tommorrow...So I decided it was time for her first haircut.
Now let me just say I am NOT a professional hairstylist in any way, shape or form. But I thought I could handle a few snips across her forehead... I mean how difficult could it be? Right??? Besides---I find it ridiculous to pay someone $20 to cut so little hair...
So I gathered up all my supplies, gave Sarah her bath and decided to get clipping...She must have known what I was about to do--and she was NOT happy about it!!! I managed to get her somewhat restrained in her highchair (which she never uses anymore :-( )
Well the pic on the left is before we started....her bangs were actually longer than they lok in the pic.....then the one on the right...lol....what can I say??? I tried! She was very upset at me in that pic...her bangs are a tad bit too short...in the pic they look like they are crooked---but I assure they really are not...must have been a bad angle....it looks much better now a few days after this incident!!
************PICTURES REMOVED!!! SORRY--DIDNT WANT TO LEAVE THEM UP UNTIL I GET INSTALL A CODE TO BLOCK RIGHT CLICK COPIES!!!
Thursday, July 20, 2006
Yea me!!!! I love it!!!
Wednesday, July 19, 2006
I also wanted to say a BIG Thank you to wyldjoker over at Dads HighWAY for his valiant effort at helping me understand HTML code for a new banner I hope to have finished soemtime before Christmas!!!
Tuesday, July 18, 2006
whose eyes did not match mine.
Its hair a different color,
its smile was just divine.
This child was not born
from my womb,
but given by another,
For me to love and give a home,
to one day call me Mother.
No greater gift will I receive
or cherish more than this.
Thank you Lord with all my heart
for granting me my wish.
(Author: Linda Paige-Tolis)
This poem will DEFINATELY make its way into Sarahs scrapbook....
So I am happy to announce my very first tenant is Valerie from Adventures in Parenting!!!! Motherhood...Marriage...and Mayhem..oh my!!! Her blog chronicles everyday life being a wife and mom--trying for baby #2!!! Please be sure to check her out!! The pictures of her son are absolutely adorable!!! Im just a sucker for cute little children!!
I also wanted to Thank everyone for their responses to the survey below...Especially Sunshine Girl...It was great to get the perspective from a former foster child herself...In this whole process that is the one thing I find lacking...Testimony from an ACTUAL foster child...she was the FIRST adult I have been able to connect to who has first hand knowledge by being one herself!! Thanks again!!!
***** I would ALSO like to thank Swaparama Mama... I got the slushie pin yesterday---and it is fabulous!!! Thank you so much!! I have it pinned to my bag already!!
Monday, July 17, 2006
So I wanted to post a little survey to find out how any of you would broach certain subjects to the children you have adopted or to any person you decide to tell of your childs adoption....
1. When will you tell your child they are adopted? We plan on Sarah always knowing she is adopted...starting probally in the next year as she starts to ask questions about babies...on an age appropriate level of course...Somewhere along the lines of..."you grew in mommys heart not in my belly.."
2. How do you plan on explaining the whole foster care adoption thing??? Im still not totally sure of this one yet...probally little bits age appropriate...
3. Do you plan on letting your child have any contact with bio parents if adopted via fostercare??? Right now we do not. Due to certain factors we do not believe it would be safe for Sarah any time soon. We also want it to be HER choice whether she would like any contact when she is old enough providing there are no safety concerns....
I find myself in such a grey area with this whole adoption thing. Foster to adopt is alot different than regular domestic adoption in my opinion. The end result may be the same--- but the journey is completely unparallel....
Friday, July 14, 2006
I said " I AM her mom....and you already have my info...."
Her, "Well what about her real mom....what if she has to bring her to an appointment.."
By now I am PISSED!!
"I am her real mom. Did you NOT read the adoption decree???? Why would her biological mother take her anywhere?? I bring MY daughter wherever SHE has to go...BECAUSE I AM HER MOTHER!!!!"
"well yea but i still need her moms info..." smirking while she said this.
By that time out came the supervisor, and turns out the receptionist was just being a bitch because the ONLY information she needed was mine...Bad experience with adoption maybe?? Not my problem. Don't try to undermine my role in my daughters life.
Errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr........Some people are sooo STUPID. Sarah is my daughter period. I do not care if she came out of my vagina or not. There should be mandatory sensitivity training for stupid people who have no idea how to be politically correct. Sorry for the angry rant...but it is people like this that i absolutely dread...I worry that Sarah will be confronted by those type of people when she is older---I worry that she will be made to feel that I am not her "real" mom, I worry about how she will handle those questions.
I am the one to stay up all night with her when she is sick....
I am the one who takes care of her on a daily basis....
I am the one who manages all of her medical needs...
I am the one to teach her right from wrong....
I am the one who wipes away her tears when she cries....
I am the one who kisses all of her boo boo's
I AM her mother!!!!
Monday, July 10, 2006
Saturday, July 08, 2006
We met at a McDonalds. I picked it. I figured since he was bringing his son, Little Boy R (Sarhas' full brother) then at least he could be distracted with the playground area. Neutral territory. Biodad also ended up bringing his stepmom (BPSM) with him. Sarah was about 4 weeks old. And tiny. SOOOO tiny. I arrived about 15 minutes early. I wanted to be the first. I think I would have been too self conscious with them watching me arrive after them. I also want to mention that DCS had given me the option of meeting them by myself, since biodad was NOT the offending parent; they truly had no concerns about him.
Sarah had her apnea monitor by then. Seems she did not like to breathe on her own sometimes. So in they came. Man it was awkward. They came in and sat down. We introduced ourselves. Noone spoke for about 5 minutes; we all just stared at baby Sarah. Then biodad started asking me questions about her. About her health, how she ate, what she ate, everything. He really was concerned. His stepmom jumped in occaisionally asking for clarification on the medical issues. So Sarah started to get hungry and I asked the biodad if he wanted to feed her. He did. So I got them all set up, as soon as he picked her up, I remember the first thing he said was "I cant believe how small and light she is."
Within 5 minutes his son he brought with him was itching to go out in the playroom. So he took him and I got to spend some time with the BPSM. She was a really nice lady. Very composed. She held Sarah for a little while and told me all kinds of stories about the bioparents. She told me she did not think the biodad should or would be able to take care of the baby. Sooo....after that was said. I took a DEEP breath and told her "Well...my husband and I would love to errr...adopt Sarah....if...ahhh....there was ever a possibility..." I figured what did I have to lose??? At least I got it out in the open. The BPSM was not negative about my comment. She agreed that would probally be the best option...she also I later found out had told the biodad what I said after we left..
The visit drew to a close after almost 2 hours. They walked me out to my car. The biodad gave me 3 CASES of the expensive DHA infant formula...that he....ahhh....lets say "aquired". All individual sealed glass bottles...like what hospitals use ((wink))...but oh well...it was a nice gesture. And we definately appreciated it since we were slammed with 3 hurricanes that summer and did not have electricity for a bit.
And that was the next to last time he saw her. The last time was right before he signed the TPR when Sarah was 4 months old. I still think of this day everytime I drivepast this Mcdonalds...which is only 5 miles from where I now live. I should take a picture of it for her scrapbook...
Wednesday, June 28, 2006
Monday, June 19, 2006
I remember that first Christmas very well. Her biological paternal grandparents were very nice people. Normal people. Well to do even. But they didn't want her. They instead stepped aside and let us adopt her. For that I am eternally grateful. So that year BPSG; asked if we would allow them to come to our house before Christmas day so they could give Sarah her present. I didn't mind. They promised they would not tell the biological parents where we lived; that was my ONLY stipulation.
So they came by. We talked. I showed them Sarahs room. (Before we remodeled and turned it into the ultimate disney princess haven). They watched me change her diaper. Then we went into the dining room to chat. Sarah started to fuss and I had BPSG feed her a bottle. Then I brought out Sarah's scrapbook I had just started. It didn't have more than 6 pages in it but they drooled over every page.
Then they had me open Sarahs presents. The rockinghorse and an outfit. I was happy I would have something at least to save for her from them. She wore the outfit several days later and I took pictures of her in it. The BPSG asked the bio pat. grandpa(BPG) if he wanted to hold Sarah at all. He wouldn't. I understood. It was all too much for him. How hard it must have been to come into my house at all to begin with. The BPSG kept saying how maybe they could visit with us once a year or so to see Sarah every now and again. I honestly didn;t have a problem with it. I wanted to be able to give Sarah roots. BPG refused though. He told her that: "Sarah had a new family now and she was safe and would be happy and he didn't want any of them to mess with that."
After staying for about an hour; they left. I have never heard from them again. I tried sending pics in emails of Sarah to them. But I never got a reply. So I eventually stopped. How sad in one instant she lost that part of her biofamily. The normal part. How do I explain that to her?
******On a rather tacky note:: The BPSG left the price tag on the rockinghorse. I couldn't
believe it! It is one of my BIGGEST pet peeves by the way. And I know, I know it is the thought that counts. Believe me I get it. But if you were to give your only granddaughter whom was being given up for adoption ONE gift would you get it from a pawn shop and leave the tag for $3.99 on it???? Come on. It is cute; maybe it is just me; but I would probally buy something really fancy and expensive with all kinds of little clues in it should the child ever want to find me!!! LOL.....
Saturday, June 17, 2006
So I have started planning Sarahs' second (!!!) birthday party..Her birthday is not until August 8th but we are having her party in the end of July. I am one of those people who have to have everything somewhat planned WAAAAAAAAYYY ahead of schedule. Otherwise it just nags at me. So we are doing Strawberry shortcake theme. I bought a chocolate fountain for dipping strawberries and pretzels...yummy. I can't believe my baby is almost two. Where has the time gone??? It seems like just yesterday we brought her home from the hospital. Amazing. I oftenthink of her birthparents and wonder if they think about her at all...I'm sure they do--but I wonder how much. I can't imagine missing a second of her life and yet they have missed all of it so far. I know her birthmother is not doing any better and has had recent encounters with the law (to say it nicely). Sarah has such a personality. She loves to "cook" and play mommy to her babies. I'm so glad she is growing up happy and healthy--time goes by sooo fast.
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
Monday, June 12, 2006
What a way to start off hurricane season with a bang!!! Forget tropical storms--our first storm of the season is a full fledged hurricane!! And the weatherman said tis was not gonna be anything major!! Ha. Shows ya that God has other things in mind.....
Sorry for a sad post; but if nothing else remember to give your kids a hug, and thank GOD they are happy, healthy and with you today...tommorrow is not guarenteed for anyone...
Friday, June 09, 2006
I am here. I have been faithfully lurking and catching up on everybody. I really have no good excuse for not updating for so long. I have decided this summer is the summer of "Me". I am *trying* to get into shape and do little things for myself to make me happier. Including laying out tanning at the pool. All while Sarah is in school. I know I am horrible. (Evil Grin). I mean it is not like she hates school or anything. She loves it and it is her only opportunity to play with other kids her age. And besides she is only there for like 4-5 hours a day. Ok I am done defending myself!!! I am also having laser hair removal done (face: ewwww)!!! yea!! Finally; PCOS will not mark me!!! It is expensive but I need the boost for my self confidence. I deserve it. My 1st Treatment is this Wednesday!!!! I even had my hair done today!!! WooHoo!!! Well I will post a long update in a bit (promise!) I am about to fall asleep!!!
Wednesday, May 17, 2006
Tuesday, May 02, 2006
On a more serious note-we have hit the most horrible of developmental milestones full force. Temper Tantrums. I thought she was having them before--but man, what she does now is just awful. It scares me--she seriously tries to hurt herself. She throws herself on our (tile!!) floors and tries to bang her head, and slam her feet; she pinches & bites herself, AND pulls her own hair!! Not to mention the SCREAMING!!! I feel so bad-- I don't know what to do. When she gets like that I put her in her crib until she calms down (at least she is safe there)...other than that- I am lost. I feel like such a bad mommy some times. My husband is more of the type to let her do whatever so long as she does not scream and throw a fit. However; I cant do that. I stand my ground--then I pay for it!! I figure I would rather go threw it now than when she is a hormonal teenager. If anyone has any suggestions---PLEASE give them to me!!!
Monday, April 24, 2006
We got a new minivan on Friday--Yes I said MINIVAN! Holy cow, I never thought of myself driving one of those...But I absolutely LOVE it!! Toyota Sienna rocks!! We are having the dvd player installed this Wednesday so our darling Sarah will be completely entertained on our drives to Walmart!!!
I follow alot of blogs that are caringbridge sites. Those are sites for parents who have critically ill children so they may keep their friends/families updated. It tugs at my heart everytime Iread them. But they keep me grounded. They let me truly appreciate what I have and overlook the spaghetti being thrown at my walls on a constant basis. I have decided at least once a week I want to post a link to one of those sites; so we all may be reminded that tommorrow is NOT a guarantee--and how quickly our lives could change. The first one I am posting is a site of a mom who lost her son to cancer. She took her pain and started a nonprofit organization to help OTHER families with terminal/critical children. Me Fine organization is a charity that I wholly believe in...In fact I am starting a box to send to them right now--they need constant donations of everything. From toilet paper to bleach to walmart cards to phone cards--with 100% of everything going to families who need them. Check it out. Click on journal history to read everything she has posted including the journey of ehr son Folden Lee II...
Saturday, April 15, 2006
Wednesday, April 05, 2006
Work has been--well--work...I normally really enjoy my job; but this week was a little much for me. One of my patients almost died with me there. As sad as it is--I have seen plenty of people die--I am a nurse. But I made a switch to Pediatrics a bit ago--and this was my first experience with a 3 year old almost dying. Whew--it was hard. Very hard. The mommy in me made me freeze for a moment--which is not good. Thankfully the nurse in me kicked right in and took care of the situation. My heart ached for the mother. Her child is terminally ill to begin with but I dont think you are EVER prepared to let your child go. I had tears in my eyes when it was done--I almost had to walk out of the room afterward. I managed to get control of my emotions though. I can honestly say; the day I dont have tears in my eyes for a child who almost or does die, is the day I quit.
Sarah is growing leaps and bounds. Everyday there is a new word it seems. She is still a little bit behind; but not much. She is such a good girl. This time change has definately got her confused. It seems she believes if it is daylight then it is not time for bed. Oh well!!!
I have an MRI scheduled for tommorrow. It seems my body is officially falling apart. For the past 5 days I have had a wierd tightness in my throat. Making it difficult to swallow, I have a hard time eating and drinking anything. I pray it is nothing serious. And of course the feeling like I am being strangled does nothing for my panic attacks I have been having since I almost died of a medication reaction on March 1st....Please keep me in your prayers!!!
Well I guess that about does it for now--talk to you guys soon!!!
Tuesday, April 04, 2006
Tuesday, March 28, 2006
Other than that things have been pretty much status quo. Our closing on our house is May 9th. We have been making taking trips to the storage unit trying to get ready. It will be tight. We have to be moved out on the 8th which is the earliest day we can get into our new apartment!! Talk about a crunch. But I dont want to think about that now!!
Baby S is getting big--almost 20 months old. And boy--we have started the temper tantrums!! Sheesh! I was hoping for another 4 months of truce but I guess she has other plans!!
So I have decided to stop calling her Baby S. She is my daughter finally. I feel comfortable enough using her real first name. Sarah. My princess.
Tuesday, March 21, 2006
here is the link for the full page of freebies:
if any one else has any good link for free things let me know!!! You'd be amazed at some of the things I can get for free....diapers...wipes....motrin....all kinds of goodies!!!
Monday, March 20, 2006
Speaking of hurricane season--I am not looking forward to it at all (not like I ever did anyways). But ever since we were hit with Charley I have panic attacks when one gets close. Panic attacks + toddler= useless mommy syndrome
I don't know what is wrong with me. Ever since I had my *near* death experience over antibiotics on March 1st; I have a damn attack every time I swallow a pill. Doesn't matter what pill it is--even if i have taken those particular kind like a million times before. I have a doctors appointment tommmorrow. I dont want anxiety meds;I just want to be allergy tested for every single substance on earth---thats not too much to ask is it???? Hopefully the doctor doesn't think so...
Saturday, March 18, 2006
She believes she is the best mother in the world. That she has raised a prodigy. Ok reality check. Her son is satans' spawn. Seriously. Mean, rude, he cusses, he hits, he is stingy, and bad bad bad!!!!!! Yeah I know he is technically my nephew; but I hate to say it: I do not like him. It is not really his fault. It is the way his mother raised him. She, of course, blames everything (one) but herself. Uhh--HELLO!!! If you scream and cuss at your children and call them a "jerk"; "bastard" and such; chances are he will be saying the same things!!! But what would I know right??? According to her; her son is older than my daughter so obviously she KNOWS more about parenting than me!!!!
I don't even like my daughter around them at all. My SIL is one of those jealous types. If she gets or has something no one else does; then that is all you hear about. But for instance, when I try to talk to her about us selling our house and building a new one; she cuts me off & makes an excuse to get off of the phone. She is a renter who will never in her natural life have a house because they chose to spend spend spend. She is just so darn competitive it makes me sick. Over petty shit no less. She is even jealous that my husband and I have a little girl. Yes. Thats what I said. She is jealous I have a daughter and she has a son. She always wanted a little girl; after we brought Baby S home; SIL would not answer her phone for like 6 months!!! I cant wait to move far far far away from these people....................
Tuesday, March 14, 2006
- You've ever ended a sentence with the word "SIKE."
- You can sing the rap to the "Fresh Prince of Bel Air" and can do the "Carlton."
- Girls wore biker shorts under their skirts and felt stylishly sexy.
- Two words: Hammer Pants.
- You wore a ponytail on the side of your head.
- You made your mom buy one of those clips that would hold your shirt in a knot on the side.
- You wore stone washed Jordache jean jackets and were proud of it.
- L.A.Gear....need I say more?
- You remember reading "Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing" and all the Ramona Quimby books.
- You know the profound meaning of "WAX ON, WAX OFF." (Restin peace...)
- You ever wore fluorescent clothing. (Some of us...head-to-toe, not to mention matching!!)
- You can remember what Michael Jackson looked like before his nose fell off and his cheeks lifted.
- You still get the urge to say "NOT" after every sentence.
- You ever owned a pair of Jelly-Shoes (and probably in neon colors, too. Can you say STINKY FEET!!).
- After you saw "Pee-Wee's Big Adventure" you kept saying "I know you are, but what am I?
- You remember "I've fallen and I can't get up."
- You remember going to the skating rink before there were inline skates.
- You ever got seriously injured on a Slip and Slide.
- You have played with a Skip-It.
- You had or attended a birthday party at McDonalds.
- You've gone through this nodding your head in agreement.
- "Don't worry, be happy."
- You wore, like, EIGHT pairs of socks over tights with high top Reeboks.
- You wore socks scrunched down and sometimes still do.
- You remember boom boxes.
- You remember Alf, the li'l furry brown alien from Melmac.
- You remember New Kids on the Block when they were cool.
- You know all the words to Bon Jovi's "SHOT THROUGH THE HEART."
- You just sang those words to yourself.
- You remember watching Magic vs. Bird. Oh yeah............it will never be that good again.
- Homemade Levi shorts... (The shorter the better.)
- You remember when mullets were cool!
- You had a mullet!
- You still sing "We are the World."
- You tight rolled your jeans.
- You owned a banana clip.
- You remember "Where's the Beef?
- You used to (and probably still do) say "What you talkin' 'bout Willis?"
- You had big hair and you knew how to use it.
You're still singing "Shot through the Heart" in your head, aren't you!!!?
Saturday, March 11, 2006
She told me that they were unable to take Baby S also. Its not that they were not able to; but that it was a lifestyle choice for them. Our visit lasted about an hour. Biodad thanked me for taking good care of the baby and he said he was glad that we had her. It was the next to last time he saw her before they signed the TPR 3 months later.
Friday, March 10, 2006
Yesterday Baby S had a pulmonology appointment; where she was *officially* diagnosed as an asthmatic. Inhalers and Nebulizers oh my!!! She was *such* a big girl at the doctors office. She sat in her own seat in the waiting room and behaved VERY well for being 19 months old. So we get home and I was trying to explain all the meds and treatments to my husband--bless his heart..He says "this ahh seems like a medical condition..." Well--DUH!!! He means well, but he is not medically inclined in the least. Baby S did very well so far with her inhaler; we have to give it to her twice a day.
Our house was *officially* on the market as of yesterday also. The sign is in our front yard!! Please pray for us that it sells quickly!!! I think it will do good; great house and very reasonably priced for our neighborhood..I am soooo glad we built it when we did.
It still feels wierd to be done with DCF regarding Baby S. It is like I keep expecting to hear from them to set up a visit to come to see her. I feel alot better about the placement we turned down. I mean I know it is our right to say yes or no; but I still felt bad about it. I felt like I was letting the little girl down..I WISH I could take them all. I really do. If I could; I would have a big ranch overflowing with children....I'm sure one day in the future we will adopt another one. I'm just not sure the route we will take.
Tuesday, March 07, 2006
Thursday, March 02, 2006
How to handle this adoption being open has been a deep conversation topic for us for awhile now. We have NO problem with an open adoption if this was a NORMAL adoption to begin with. But it is not. The bioparents were not planning to place Baby S for adoption at birth. The State intervened. There are a ton of issues floating around that make us hesitant to have this even a little bit of an open adoption. Drugs, crimes, mental illness. Dont get me wrong Im not being negative to anyonea mental illness. BUT. When the biomom refuses to take her meds and goes off on rampages I get concerned.
So we came to the understanding that Baby S of course will ALWAYS know she is adopted. As her age progresses she will know HOW she came to be adopted in the first place. I think she has a right to know the whole truth; on an age appropriate level of course. We decided that it will be HER decision if and when she ever wants to meet her bioparents. That includes her biosiblings. Our caseworker tried long and hard to get us to consider letting Baby S "know" her siblings as she grows up. If we do that I feel as though WE are making that decision for her, and I dont want to do that. It has to be her decision. Its not like she GREW up with her siblings and knew them before she came to us anyways. And besides that there is absolutely no way for her to be completely involved with her siblings and not be subjected to her bioparents; as Little Boy R lives with the biodad.
I know not everyone will agree with us, but we really have tried to make the best & safest decision for Baby S.
So on to the letter to her biomom. I wrote a very nice card; updated her a bit on Baby S. Told her Baby S has her eyes and nose. And I pleaded with her to find peace, happiness and healing for her soul. I cannot imagine trying to explain to Baby S that her biomom chose a life of drugs over her....
Wednesday, March 01, 2006
Saturday, February 25, 2006
January 2004 : Took our first Mapp class
January 12 2004: Mailed out our references to friends; for them to fill out
February 2004: Completed our Mapp training in the middle of the month
February 22 2004: Our first homestudy appointment & fingerprinting
February 28 2004: Our second homestudy appointment
March 28 2004: Licensed Foster Parents!!!!!!
April 1 2004: First placement. "A" 3 1/2 yeard old girl & "B" 4 months old boy.
April 21 2004: Returned to Biomom
April 24 2004: J & G brothers 9 &7 years old. We knew they were a temporary placement
May 14 2004: J & G returned to grandma
May 15 2004: Baby J 12 month old boy.
May 16 2004: Returned to biomom; who had hit him with a claw part of hammer
June 1 2004: T a 3 yr old girl
June 27 2004: T reunited with biodad
July 3 2004: Baby M 2 month old girl
July 9 2004: Baby M taken in by grandma
August 9 2004: Received call on Baby S; she will be placed w us when she is discharged from hospital
August 19 2004: Baby S taken home by us
December 21 2004: Baby S bioparents signed TPR!!!!
April 2005: Bioparents rights legally terminated
May 2004:P Assigned an adoption caseworker
February 13 2006: Adoption Finalized!!!!!!!!!! Thank God!!!!
Friday, February 24, 2006
So now we have 2 ointments to use on every diaper change. It is horrible. She is in so much pain it just makes me cry! I made up my own special little mixture for a diaper rash creme to put over the medicine. The Pediatrician thought I should "market" my concoction! But it really does help her. So in honor of my poor little diaper rashed girl; I named it after her. Beara's Bum Butter. Her nickname is Beara....(rhymes with her name).
Wednesday, February 22, 2006
Saturday, February 18, 2006
2. Enforce a maximum age limit to be a foster parent. Im only saying this because I have seen several 70+ year olds applying to be foster parents to TEENAGERS!!! That is just ridiculous in my opinion. I am 26 and I dont think I have enough of an energy level to tackle having teens around!!!! Come on, how would a person that old even discipline a teen who especially has grown up "in the system".
3. After a child comes into state custody, I would like to see them stay IN care for at least 7 days before a emergency shelter hearing is held. To have proper investigation of the reason WHY they were placed to begin with. My husband and I where placed with a 12 month old litle boy; and the judge sent him back to his mother within 24 hours. This boy was placed in our care after being hit with the claw side of a hammer by his mom. Seems the judge thought there was not enough evidence;other than the 2 prog claw makes that traveled the back length of his body to prove it was intentional......
4. There is a HORRIBLE shortage of foster parents where I am from. My caseworker told me the other day they had 458 homes and 1580 children in care in our county only.......Most homes are overfilled...I would like to see more advertising and education on recruiting GOOD foster parents....Youd be surprised at how many actually do it for the meager check you receive for each child you have....Sick....
Well I guess that is a good start for now...Im sure I will think of many more things to bitch about when it comes to foster care............
Friday, February 17, 2006
Thursday, February 16, 2006
Wednesday, February 15, 2006
Monday, February 13, 2006
Saturday, February 11, 2006
Friday, February 10, 2006
I remember the day I picked up our daughter from the hospital. It was a warm summer day. She was 11 days old. She had spent the past 11 days in the NICU. We were not allowed to visit her until her discharge day. I was so sad, everyday I called the hospital to see if “today was the day”. She was a preemie; born 7 weeks early. She spent most of her days under the bili light treating her jaundice. At birth she weighed 4 lbs 6 oz. Tiny but perfect. They told me she had a few bradycardia episodes (slow heart rate) which gradually resolved. She was born exposed to cocaine. But you would not know it if you were to look at her. She was so peaceful and not fussy at all. She never went through withdraws thank god! When I first saw her I fell in love. I had to take the discharge class, and she had to pass her hearing test and car seat test. She passed both with flying colors. Then I had to feed her before we could leave. I had never held a baby so small before. I was so nervous. She ate good for me and we packed up her things. The nurse told me, “ Im so glad she is going to a loving family. We were all worried about her. No one has ever come to see her the whole time she was here.” What????!!!! I was sooo upset. The state worker said I could not visit Baby S, but I assumed maybe someone would visit from her bio family. Nope. No one. How sad for 11 days my daughter had no one. Did she feel forgotten? I hope not. I buckled her in her seat. Got everything set up in the car. And away we went. OMG. I was a mommy. I didn’t know for how long, but right now I WAS a mommy!!! Then I panicked myself. I got sooo nervous and scared that I had to pull off the road to throw up! What a sight that was I bet! Good thing she had no clue! We made it home safely though. My jitters and butterfly stomach had resolved. And I was a mommy.