Monday, July 17, 2006

Survey

I am feeling alot better now. I apologize for the frantic...errr...angry overtone of the last post. But this is where I come to vent to get it out of my system. Let me start off by saying I know not all people I encounter will be so clueless as to adoption etiquette...it just REALLY struck a nerve with me that day...

So I wanted to post a little survey to find out how any of you would broach certain subjects to the children you have adopted or to any person you decide to tell of your childs adoption....

1. When will you tell your child they are adopted? We plan on Sarah always knowing she is adopted...starting probally in the next year as she starts to ask questions about babies...on an age appropriate level of course...Somewhere along the lines of..."you grew in mommys heart not in my belly.."

2. How do you plan on explaining the whole foster care adoption thing??? Im still not totally sure of this one yet...probally little bits age appropriate...

3. Do you plan on letting your child have any contact with bio parents if adopted via fostercare??? Right now we do not. Due to certain factors we do not believe it would be safe for Sarah any time soon. We also want it to be HER choice whether she would like any contact when she is old enough providing there are no safety concerns....

I find myself in such a grey area with this whole adoption thing. Foster to adopt is alot different than regular domestic adoption in my opinion. The end result may be the same--- but the journey is completely unparallel....

6 comments:

Dream Mommy said...

1. When I feel he is old enough to understand.

2. You're mommy loved you very much but you were very sick as a baby and your mommy did not know how to take care of you.

3. Still debating this. I want him to have contact and I don' t want him too. With bio-mom, definately no! I'm considering grandma and sisters, but not too sure. I guess I'll have to discuss it with adoption when or if he gets freed for adoption.

The Imperfect Christian said...

1. When will you tell your child they are adopted? With DramaChild, we're still in debate over whether we WILL tell her (but I think I'm going to win this one and she WILL be told.) We will wait until she starts asking questions and just explain the situation to her.

With LittleBit, because it is an open adoption, she will ALWAYS know who her birth parents are, why they put her up for adoption, etc.

2. How do you plan on explaining the whole foster care adoption thing???
We'll tell her that her mommy and daddy couldn't take care of her, so the state had to step in and they gave her to us to take care of. Then we wanted her to stay forever, so we adopted her. Obviously, as she gets older, we will give her more info IF she asks.

3. Do you plan on letting your child have any contact with bio parents if adopted via fostercare??? We would prefer not, but if she pushes, I would support her making contact. Her birth parents are homeless, so the likelihood of us finding them is slim. But if she pushes us, we won't deny her that.

Lisa said...

As a former foster child, I think that when explaining the foster to adopt thing, there is an element of love and choice that adds value to your role as an adoptive parent.

You initially took in the child on a temporary basis and grew to love him or her, and the placement became permanent.

You love the child -- you chose the child. To me, that would have made me feel wanted.

In terms of practical details, I've seen varying approaches to this...

One foster-to-adopt mom I know has a memory book for each child, with pictures of their bio mom and of the first time her two adopted daughers came to stay with her.

She made a fairytale story out of it, and her two daughters are proud of their stories. They each shared their story with me.

1.) Should children have contact with bio parents?

It depends on the safety of the the situation -- is this physically / emotionally healthy?

2.) Will adopted children grow up and want to seek out bio parents?

A lot of this will depend on the bond they develop with you -- and/or the personality of the child.

In some ways foster/adoptive parenting has much in common with my role as a stepmother. It is also not dissimalar to the role of a biological parent.

Children will grow up and make their own choices. All you can do is love them, protect them and provide for them.

Lisa
http://sunshinegirlonarainyday.blogspot.com/

FosterMom said...

1. When will you tell your child they are adopted? Like you, I plan on making the adoption a normal part of our family history - I'm doing a scrapbook that will show the story of how each of our kids came to be adopted. So far we have not finalized adoption on either of the boys, but our oldest is very close, and the youngest may not be as far off as we originally thought.

2.How do you plan on explaining the whole foster care adoption thing??? Again, it will be a normal part of their story. Something along the lines of "your mommy loved you, but just didn't know how to take care of you, so she allowed us to."

3. Do you plan on letting your child have any contact with bio parents if adopted via fostercare??? Contact with bio parents will really depend on the state in our case. If the state terminates rights, I don't think we are "required" to keep the child in contact with them. However, I will probably send once or twice a year photos with a letter, through the state so the bio parents won't know where we live. And I will also let the child decide at a later age (maybe 18, maybe sooner) if they want to make contact. That is if we still know where the bio parents are. If the bio parents willingly relinquish, I've already agreed to once or twice a year visits in a neutral location.

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