Monday, August 28, 2006

This and That

Things are going. Going good, going ok, just going. I have been pretty busy with the startup of fall classes. I have been busy with Sarah. Just busy. I have been checking the blogs daily though. I have truly meant to comment...I have just been at a loss of what to say any of you really knew me; you would realize how odd that is..

We have been trying to work on our marriage. It is hard--I will try not to sugar coat that. Hopefully the light is at the end of the tunnel. Hopefully. After almost 7 years of marriage it is easier sometimes to just let life glide by...until you wake up one morning and think: Who is that person laying next to me?!?!?!?! I guess that is in a nutshell what has happened to us. Sarah is my world. So I have been putting him on the back burner for quite sometime bad...I know I have to make more time for us--Im working on it....

Now on to happier thoughts. Sarah. My beautiful bouncing ball of energy. It is AMAZING how quickly they grow. I love her little conversations. They almost make sense to me now!! She is tall and skinny...That is one thing I thank goodness for her biological parents for!!! At her 2 year doctor appt. she weighed in at 26 1/2 pounds, 34 1/2 inches....The doctor has an interesting equation: you take your childs height at the 2 yr visit and you multiple it by 2, and you should have a ballpark (plus or minus a few inches) of their full adult height...So my little bean should be around 5'8"-5'9" will be interesting considering I am only 5'4" (if I round up!!!).

I hate to "bring down" this post--but I was browsing through the news and came across this article:

It makes me absolutely sick. I will never understand why or how anyone could do that. I would love to be in charge of torturing these people. To make the matter worse; people like this give ALL foster parents a negative image. We all suffer the consequences when these sick bastards hurt children...Imagine the biological parents?? The state takes away your child and then something like that happens to them...I honestly hope that couple rots in hell....

Thursday, August 17, 2006

She is all I really need

Things are pretty much status quo on the home front...We are trying I guess to work things out. I am not really stressing over it though..After the initial shock wore off--I got used to it being just me and Sarah. I can manage alone. It doesn't scare me anymore. Sure sometimes it gets lonely. But time passes just the same. I have taken up trying to quilt in the evenings. LOL. I bought some stuff for it today and tonight I shall give it a go!! I also wanted to share a poem I wrote tonight about Sarah. It is not really that great--but I like it. I am trying to get some sort of creative juices flowing. I would really love to get into a groove to write a childrens book on adoption--since it is a topic hardly written about on a child level...we'll see.......

My heart was once broken

My heart was once broken-
Mommy didn’t know what to do…
There was nothing to fix it
Not even glue…

Daddy tried to make Mommy smile
He tried to make Mommy laugh…
He tried to make Mommy happy…
But nothing would last…

I felt like something was missing
Something not right…
Where- oh where could it be?
I wondered, as I looked out the window
One cold winter night…

A child it was
That I was yearning for;
To hug and to kiss
Forever and ever more..

The pitter patter
Of sweet little feet;
Where the sounds
I had wished for
To come and greet me-

O’ how happy
And sweet
Was the day I met you-
It was that moment,
My dreams;
All came true….

You filled my heart
With love so great
Healing my soul;
Sealing my fate…

I look around our house-
Everywhere I see-
Dollies and stickers,
And things to play tea..

Ribbons and Bows
And little girls shoes;
My heart was once broken-
Because I didn’t have you…

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

In other news.....

Today Sarah had a speech evaluation done. I knew she was a bit delayed in her speech. I was not prepared for exactly how delayed they say she is.

First of all; Sarah was 8 weeks premature. She has always been behind in something. When she was 5 months old we attended physical therapy 2x a week for 6 months--related to torti colis (neck contracture) and other weakness issues...with time all of her issues resolved and she graduated.

One of the problems we knew we would encounter is "how" they grade for developmental milestones. When you have a preemie; they always adjust their age to determine how level evelopmentally they are on. Until that is--the child hit the age of 24 months. Then they do not adjust for age anymore. So basically, you can have a normal 20 month old child whose adjusted age is 18 months--and they are doing everything NORMAL for being an 18 month old technically....THEN you hit 24 months---and your child is automatically "delayed". They are considered to be able to be on par with other normal 24 month olds. And that just sucks.

So they tell me today---Sarah's language skills are estimated to be on the level of a 16 month old. ??????? Really??? I knew she was behind, but---really?????

I am so sad. I did not think she would be that far behind. I mean she talks. She uses words appropriately. But she doesnt seem to have the vocabulary a "normal" 2 year old should have.....

So onto speech therapy we are will take about 2-3 weeks to get everything arranged and approved. Then it look like 2-4 tmes a week for 30 minutes we will be in therapy...I'm just glad to get this resolved before she is school aged.... It just doesn't seem fair sometimes though......

Monday, August 07, 2006


I just wanted to thank you all for your words of encouragement and support--it really means alot. He did come yesterday for a few hours to visit with Sarah and we talked. Seems like alot of what was causing the problem is our impending move north. He is having doubts about leaving his job and finding something comparable up there....Like I said this is the base of the problem...Unfortuately he is the type that lets things bother him for a long period of time and never says a thing about it--until he has reached his melting point.

There is no other woman...I knew from the beginning that was not even an issue. Some women may be skeptical--but not all situations when the husband leaves is due to infidelity.

He is staying with his sister and brother in law about 30 minutes away. When we were talking yesterday he expressed sincere regret that he left us at all. He claims he wants to work it out and come back home this week...He claims it was sheer stupidity and stubborness (sp?) that caused him to uproot as he did.

I don't know. I know I love him. I know Sarah loves him and needs him. I know he is genuinely a good man and an awesome dad.

Yesterday when he told me of his fear of leaving his job to move north; I said to him,"So is it easier for you to leave your family over your job??" I could see the reality of that statement smack him the face.

He told me today " When I am at my sisters...I look around and see all of Sarahs pictures everywhere....and I can't believe what I have done...."

He is supposed to come over tommorrow for Sarahs birthday and stay for dinner and probally the night. So I am hoping we have a better opportunity to talk.......

Saturday, August 05, 2006


Just like being hit by a huge Dump truck. Just like that. No warning. No discussion. My husband left me today. Just like that--well pretty much.

My stepdaughter just returned back to her homestate this past Tuesday. The whole 6 weeks she was with us--everything was great. Or so I thought. We have always occaisionally had arguments. Nothing major. Nothing we didn't smooth over. Our conflicts were always typically over some character flaws I (and everyone else) believed he had issues with. I'm not going to get into what here---no...

But this Friday things got a little heated here...Nothing major really. Just arguing/yelling. Nothing physical. So I went to work this morning--he called me and told me to get home now.

I went home thinking something was wrong. He stated he was leaving me. He was tired of my "shit". He was tired of having to "justify" his every action/decision with me...Ummmm---is that not what marriages sometimes consist of? I mean don't married people discuss things??? Don't they make decisions TOGETHER??? Or is my perception of marriage totally warped...???

I'm by no means perfect. I know that. I can be a bitch. But I really did not see this coming. I do not think I did anything that could justify this....till death do us part right??? I guess....

So he packed ALL of his things up and left. Thank God he left while Sarah was napping. Surprisingly--I was ok with it. Until she woke up.. and asked for Daddy. Then I just lost it. How could he do this to her??? How?? Our child.

Then of course he had to come back when she was awake. To get his stupid other truck..he stayed for 15 minutes and left..She cried and cried for her daddy. She wanted to go with him...This is horrible.

He says he will come by tommorrow and see her and then he will visit every Sunday..Yeah right- I don't believe him.. Every Sunday-that is a laugh. How could you say you LOVE a child then only plan to see them once a freakin week???

I feel like I let my baby down. Now she has no father technically. I feel like it is my fault. I know once we move out of state (like planned!!) in a few months she will never see him again--I just know it. How do I explain to her that she has lost 2 daddies (bio & adoptive)??? I feel like such a failure as a wife and mother....

Thursday, August 03, 2006

*~*~*My Princess*~*~*

Well on Sunday July 31st we had Sarahs' second birthday party. Her actual birthday is not until August 8th..but we wanted to celebrate it a little early before my step daughter returned to her home state.

We had such a great time. We decorated everything with Strawberry Shortcake was lovely...we even hired a Strawberry Shortcake character to entertain all the kids--and she did the build a bear workshop!!!! I LOVE build a bear now!!!

I just can't believe she is almost 2!! I am in shock. She looked like such a big girl at her party. She even opened her own presents this year...

The last 2 years with my princess have been amazing. I am a mommy. Some days I never thought I would be one. I remember all the times I pleaded with God-- "please just let me be a mommy....please just let me be pregnant...."

I got my wish. It took longer than I would have liked--but I would wait a million times over again for my little princess. I really DO thank god for unanswered prayers. I am glad I never became pregnant with a biological child--if I did--I wouldn't have Sarah....She was definately meant to be my daughter. I could not imagine my life without her.

Over the course of our whole experience fostering to adopt-- so many people would say to me how "lucky" Sarah was to have been in our family and adopted by us...I would just smile and nod my clueless these people really were....for WE are the lucky ones--to have her as our daughter...

Sarah saved me. She did. My little 4 pound miracle saved me from a life of not being what I had most desired: a mother. She has taught me so much. About love; patience---she has taught me how to be silly and LIVE.
I truly would not be the person today without her.

So I would just want to say thank you Sarah. For being my daughter, and mending my heart instantly the day we brought you home from the hospital--that was the first time I had ever felt complete in my life....
I love you baby girl---with all of my heart...