I love my daughter-more than I love anything in this entire world-including myself. Becoming a mother has been the best thing that has ever happened to me. I recognize that by myself gaining this joy- another has lost a piece of them. My daughters first mom and my daughter. The loss to Sarahs first mom is obvious.
See our adotion experience is different. We did not enter into an open adoption. We actually adopted through foster care. The first mom (FM-for further typing purposes) did not in the beginning wish to lose her daughter. She did not make an adoption plan. She had no intention of doing so. But due to circumstances- she found herself sick with very serious addiction problems.
To add to that struggle- she is bipolar. I had met with the FM on several occaisions and the love for Sarah was apparent, but she could not battle her demons to become a safe person to raise her children. She knew my husband and I would adopt Sarah if that was what path we started to head toward. She tried initially to work the caseplan but was unable to do so. I talked to her frequently updating her on the baby and offering her support. After 4 months she decided to terminate her rights, and the birthfather also agreed willingly to do so.
The rest of our story is history from there. Or is it? I look at my daughter everyday and I know she has her mothers eyes and nose, her fathers ears. I read what books on adoption I could find. None of which really covered the whole foster to adopt scenario. So in a way we are winging it. Just doing the best we can do to let her know her story. But on a deeper level-I wonder-does she know? Does she know her loss? She as a toddler is a stubborn girl, with frequent outbursts of anger. Is this anger normal toddler behavior? Or is it the anger and frustration surfacing from a loss she feels but does not understand?
I feel like adoption is like an onion- and the layers just keep peeling back. My husband thinks I am overanalyzing- but I just do not know. Because I have never had that loss. I just want to do the best thing for my daughter. I have the urge to contact the FM every once in awhile- just recently I found her-in jail. Her lifestyle has not changed and is actually becoming worse. In a sort of way I feel responsible for that too. Granted she has had her problems-which was what brought around the whole adoption to begin with- but how can some one recover from all of that and with the pain of losing her child unwillingly?