Then and now....

Tommorrow Sarah will be 26 months old. Believe it or not I am shocked by this little fact.

First of all; I never imagined in my wildest dreams I would actually become a mom. Years of suffering and treating infertility had pretty much erased all hope of that.

When I picked her up from the hospital--she was so tiny. Sooo tiny that I actually could not imagine her ever getting big and growing up...

I spent the day all alone with her today and it was fabulous. She talks alot (kinda---if you count all her gibberish) but she understands just about everything I say to her...we had little conversations all day long today!!!

Her newest "phrase" is "Clean up...put it away.." sounding more like "cween up poooot it ahhhhwaeeeeeeeeee"

Gosh she just makes me smile and feel all warm and fuzzy inside.
I love it when she grabs my hand pulling me and yelling " come on come on"

I love how she knows how to play hide and seek--and half the time I really struggle to find her....

I love how she gives the biggest bear hugs I have ever had---alhough nearly suffocating me!!!

I have been definately feeling the tug on my heart for another child perhaps in another year or two...I would love another little girl...or a boy...lol...The past two years with Sarah have gone incredibly fast--I don't think Im ready to be done with only one child...sigh...

Yes I know I am a slacker... lol

Thank you guys for hanging in there!!! I have been on almost daily--checking in on everyone...but I have just felt like-- I don't know what to write...I have almost a million things going on...and yet as soon as I went to type- I hit a brick wall...

Sarah is doing good. She has had back to back to back ear infections lately and has been on antibiotics for alomst 1 month straight now. Yikes. I got her an appointment with an ENT doctor in a few weeks. So I am thinking if this continues---ear tubes here we come!!!!!

Oh and I have discovered a million and one concoctions to disguise medications once she started refusing to take any more meds with the dropper!!! I don't blame her. I am personally sick of giving her the medicine.

I have also been consumed with buying another house. 1200 miles away from where I live right now. Fun, fun, fun....let me tell you!!!

I just wanted to also say a big Congrats to Cindy , Tamara and Lisa!! I am soo happy you guys are on the path to permanency!!!!!!!!!!!!! That is simply spectacular!!!!

I also want to say to MamaKBear that I am soo sorry for all you are going through with yur mother in law and I will be praying for you and your family. It is an unbearable situation you guys are all in and you are doing an amazing job!!

"MY Mommy!!!!"

Everything is going good over here...Hope you all are doing well!!! Not much new to report--everything is pretty much status quo.

Sarah was sick yesterday at school with a fever. So she was sent home and I took her to the doctor. Turns out she has a nasty ear infection. Fun times let me tell you. So today she was not allowed back at school (school policy following an ill day) and I had to be at the hospital today for work...So my awesome friend watched her for me. Thank god for you Mary!!! Mary also watches a little 2 month old boy.

Well when I went to pick Sarah up a few hours ago--I decided to hold the baby. It has been soo long since I have held a little one. I miss it!!! Well little miss Sarah did NOT like that at all!!! She cried so hard her face was beet red. She tried climbing on my lap and wanted me to "get rid" of the baby....It just broke my heart!! I can only imagine what she was thinking!! Guess she does not like sharing her mommy!

Oh well...Im all hers!!

This and That

Things are going. Going good, going ok, just going. I have been pretty busy with the startup of fall classes. I have been busy with Sarah. Just busy. I have been checking the blogs daily though. I have truly meant to comment...I have just been at a loss of what to say anymore...lol...if any of you really knew me; you would realize how odd that is..

We have been trying to work on our marriage. It is hard--I will try not to sugar coat that. Hopefully the light is at the end of the tunnel. Hopefully. After almost 7 years of marriage it is easier sometimes to just let life glide by...until you wake up one morning and think: Who is that person laying next to me?!?!?!?! I guess that is in a nutshell what has happened to us. Sarah is my world. So I have been putting him on the back burner for quite sometime now..my bad...I know I have to make more time for us--Im working on it....

Now on to happier thoughts. Sarah. My beautiful bouncing ball of energy. It is AMAZING how quickly they grow. I love her little conversations. They almost make sense to me now!! She is tall and skinny...That is one thing I thank goodness for her biological parents for!!! At her 2 year doctor appt. she weighed in at 26 1/2 pounds, 34 1/2 inches....The doctor has an interesting equation: you take your childs height at the 2 yr visit and you multiple it by 2, and you should have a ballpark (plus or minus a few inches) of their full adult height...So my little bean should be around 5'8"-5'9"....lol.....that will be interesting considering I am only 5'4" (if I round up!!!).

I hate to "bring down" this post--but I was browsing through the news and came across this article:
http://www.comcast.net/news/national/index.jsp?cat=DOMESTIC&fn=/2006/08/28/464730.html&cvqh=itn_toddler

It makes me absolutely sick. I will never understand why or how anyone could do that. I would love to be in charge of torturing these people. To make the matter worse; people like this give ALL foster parents a negative image. We all suffer the consequences when these sick bastards hurt children...Imagine the biological parents?? The state takes away your child and then something like that happens to them...I honestly hope that couple rots in hell....

She is all I really need

Things are pretty much status quo on the home front...We are trying I guess to work things out. I am not really stressing over it though..After the initial shock wore off--I got used to it being just me and Sarah. I can manage alone. It doesn't scare me anymore. Sure sometimes it gets lonely. But time passes just the same. I have taken up trying to quilt in the evenings. LOL. I bought some stuff for it today and tonight I shall give it a go!! I also wanted to share a poem I wrote tonight about Sarah. It is not really that great--but I like it. I am trying to get some sort of creative juices flowing. I would really love to get into a groove to write a childrens book on adoption--since it is a topic hardly written about on a child level...we'll see.......


My heart was once broken

My heart was once broken-
Mommy didn’t know what to do…
There was nothing to fix it
Not even glue…

Daddy tried to make Mommy smile
He tried to make Mommy laugh…
He tried to make Mommy happy…
But nothing would last…

I felt like something was missing
Something not right…
Where- oh where could it be?
I wondered, as I looked out the window
One cold winter night…

A child it was
That I was yearning for;
To hug and to kiss
Forever and ever more..

The pitter patter
Of sweet little feet;
Where the sounds
I had wished for
To come and greet me-

O’ how happy
And sweet
Was the day I met you-
It was that moment,
My dreams;
All came true….

You filled my heart
With love so great
Healing my soul;
Sealing my fate…

I look around our house-
Everywhere I see-
Dollies and stickers,
And things to play tea..

Ribbons and Bows
And little girls shoes;
My heart was once broken-
Because I didn’t have you…

In other news.....

Today Sarah had a speech evaluation done. I knew she was a bit delayed in her speech. I was not prepared for exactly how delayed they say she is.

First of all; Sarah was 8 weeks premature. She has always been behind in something. When she was 5 months old we attended physical therapy 2x a week for 6 months--related to torti colis (neck contracture) and other weakness issues...with time all of her issues resolved and she graduated.

One of the problems we knew we would encounter is "how" they grade for developmental milestones. When you have a preemie; they always adjust their age to determine how level evelopmentally they are on. Until that is--the child hit the age of 24 months. Then they do not adjust for age anymore. So basically, you can have a normal 20 month old child whose adjusted age is 18 months--and they are doing everything NORMAL for being an 18 month old technically....THEN you hit 24 months---and your child is automatically "delayed". They are considered to be able to be on par with other normal 24 month olds. And that just sucks.

So they tell me today---Sarah's language skills are estimated to be on the level of a 16 month old. ??????? Really??? I knew she was behind, but---really?????

I am so sad. I did not think she would be that far behind. I mean she talks. She uses words appropriately. But she doesnt seem to have the vocabulary a "normal" 2 year old should have.....

So onto speech therapy we are heading....it will take about 2-3 weeks to get everything arranged and approved. Then it look like 2-4 tmes a week for 30 minutes we will be in therapy...I'm just glad to get this resolved before she is school aged.... It just doesn't seem fair sometimes though......

Update

I just wanted to thank you all for your words of encouragement and support--it really means alot. He did come yesterday for a few hours to visit with Sarah and we talked. Seems like alot of what was causing the problem is our impending move north. He is having doubts about leaving his job and finding something comparable up there....Like I said this is the base of the problem...Unfortuately he is the type that lets things bother him for a long period of time and never says a thing about it--until he has reached his melting point.

There is no other woman...I knew from the beginning that was not even an issue. Some women may be skeptical--but not all situations when the husband leaves is due to infidelity.

He is staying with his sister and brother in law about 30 minutes away. When we were talking yesterday he expressed sincere regret that he left us at all. He claims he wants to work it out and come back home this week...He claims it was sheer stupidity and stubborness (sp?) that caused him to uproot as he did.

I don't know. I know I love him. I know Sarah loves him and needs him. I know he is genuinely a good man and an awesome dad.

Yesterday when he told me of his fear of leaving his job to move north; I said to him,"So is it easier for you to leave your family over your job??" I could see the reality of that statement smack him the face.

He told me today " When I am at my sisters...I look around and see all of Sarahs pictures everywhere....and I can't believe what I have done...."

He is supposed to come over tommorrow for Sarahs birthday and stay for dinner and probally the night. So I am hoping we have a better opportunity to talk.......

BAM

Just like being hit by a huge Dump truck. Just like that. No warning. No discussion. My husband left me today. Just like that--well pretty much.

My stepdaughter just returned back to her homestate this past Tuesday. The whole 6 weeks she was with us--everything was great. Or so I thought. We have always occaisionally had arguments. Nothing major. Nothing we didn't smooth over. Our conflicts were always typically over some character flaws I (and everyone else) believed he had issues with. I'm not going to get into what here---no...

But this Friday things got a little heated here...Nothing major really. Just arguing/yelling. Nothing physical. So I went to work this morning--he called me and told me to get home now.

I went home thinking something was wrong. He stated he was leaving me. He was tired of my "shit". He was tired of having to "justify" his every action/decision with me...Ummmm---is that not what marriages sometimes consist of? I mean don't married people discuss things??? Don't they make decisions TOGETHER??? Or is my perception of marriage totally warped...???

I'm by no means perfect. I know that. I can be a bitch. But I really did not see this coming. I do not think I did anything that could justify this....till death do us part right??? I guess....

So he packed ALL of his things up and left. Thank God he left while Sarah was napping. Surprisingly--I was ok with it. Until she woke up.. and asked for Daddy. Then I just lost it. How could he do this to her??? How?? Our child.

Then of course he had to come back when she was awake. To get his stupid other truck..he stayed for 15 minutes and left..She cried and cried for her daddy. She wanted to go with him...This is horrible.

He says he will come by tommorrow and see her and then he will visit every Sunday..Yeah right- I don't believe him.. Every Sunday-that is a laugh. How could you say you LOVE a child then only plan to see them once a freakin week???

I feel like I let my baby down. Now she has no father technically. I feel like it is my fault. I know once we move out of state (like planned!!) in a few months she will never see him again--I just know it. How do I explain to her that she has lost 2 daddies (bio & adoptive)??? I feel like such a failure as a wife and mother....

*~*~*My Princess*~*~*

Well on Sunday July 31st we had Sarahs' second birthday party. Her actual birthday is not until August 8th..but we wanted to celebrate it a little early before my step daughter returned to her home state.

We had such a great time. We decorated everything with Strawberry Shortcake theme...it was lovely...we even hired a Strawberry Shortcake character to entertain all the kids--and she did the build a bear workshop!!!! I LOVE build a bear now!!!

I just can't believe she is almost 2!! I am in shock. She looked like such a big girl at her party. She even opened her own presents this year...

The last 2 years with my princess have been amazing. I am a mommy. Some days I never thought I would be one. I remember all the times I pleaded with God-- "please just let me be a mommy....please just let me be pregnant...."

I got my wish. It took longer than I would have liked--but I would wait a million times over again for my little princess. I really DO thank god for unanswered prayers. I am glad I never became pregnant with a biological child--if I did--I wouldn't have Sarah....She was definately meant to be my daughter. I could not imagine my life without her.

Over the course of our whole experience fostering to adopt-- so many people would say to me how "lucky" Sarah was to have been in our family and adopted by us...I would just smile and nod my head...how clueless these people really were....for WE are the lucky ones--to have her as our daughter...

Sarah saved me. She did. My little 4 pound miracle saved me from a life of not being what I had most desired: a mother. She has taught me so much. About love; patience---she has taught me how to be silly and LIVE.
I truly would not be the person today without her.

So I would just want to say thank you Sarah. For being my daughter, and mending my heart instantly the day we brought you home from the hospital--that was the first time I had ever felt complete in my life....
I love you baby girl---with all of my heart...

Family Reactions

I wanted to post about initial family reactions to foster care...I wanted to share my own experience and here about everyone elses' ordeal when you first told your family you were interested in doing foster care to hopefully adopt...

We had been entertaining the idea of fostering for a year or two--actually it was mainly me... My husband wasn't sure he wanted to go down that road... Actually he wasn't even positive he wanted to adopt... But men are different (most--not ALL!!!)..My husband already had a child from a previous marriage. So he really didn't have that yearning to be a parent. Myself on the other hand, I was obsessed. After numerous rounds of infertility treatment that wrecked havoc on my body and soul- I was even more desperate to be a mommy. I did not care how I became a mommy-- I just wanted to be one.

Adoption was my only choice it seemed. I'm sure you all know how darn expensive domestic & international adoption is... Infertility treatments took their toll on us financially and I did not want to "save" for 4-5 years to be able to afford adoption. I wanted to be a mommy NOW!!!!
So that is what basically led us to the whole foster to adopt journey. It really was an ideal situation. It would cost us nothing; we would be parents; and a child would have an awesome home- which might not have had one otherwise.... Everyone's a winner--right???

Then it came time to break the news to the family...Afterall we did need references!! I told my mom and dad first. They were kinda supportive. I don't think they understood were all of this was coming from. We had (and still do) keep our whole infertility journey to ourselves. I didn't want anyones advice on how to get pregnant. I did not want our whole reproductive life to be gossiped about by family members... Yep thats my family--a bunch of gossip mongers..sigh..

Most of my extended family was really supportive--especially my cousins. The one person who loomed above our decision was my grandmother. Oh the questions she asked!!! Why do you want to do that??? Can't you have your own children??? You know those children are nothing but problems??? I used to know.....and her foster kids set fire to everything!!!! It would go on and on and on....
And on....
She could not fathom why we would do it. My one cousin told me about what she was saying behind my back... "Michelle & A must need the money....why else would they take in foster kids!!!!"

Now THAT was stepping over the line. First of all; my husband and I do really well for ourselves... I am her only grandchild that graduated highschool--let alone college!! I am her only grandchild who is married (before having kids)!!! I am her ONLY grandchild that BUILT our own house!! (on the beach no less WHEN I was ONLY 21!!!!)...Pretty good when you consider she has 32 grandkids!!!!!!!!

So the very idea she thought we were "doing" it for money enraged me. All we wanted was a child. That's it. I kept thinking, "who the heck could even MAKE any money being a foster parent??????". The board payments barely make up for the neccessities!! Good Lord.

So that was my general experience with my family. What was your like? How did you break the news to your family?? I have quite a few more issues to post about regarding this grandma!! Watch for those posts--it is going to be like group therapy in here!~!

Drum Roll Please.....

My new tenant: PAJAMA MAMA!!! I absolutely *adore* her blog... She has been on my blogroll for a bit now---but when I saw she made a bid on my blog---how could I refuse?!?!?! I couldn't!!!! She is both a natural mom AND an adoptive mom to 3 lucky kids!!! Her blog topics vary- keeping it fresh!!! Her current post "Calling all Angels" , really struck a cord with me...it made me reflect on my own life and different situations I have been in...wonderfully written!!!

So if you havn't checked her out by now--go ahead and click on her thumbnail in my tenant box...You won't be disappointed!!!!

A preview of our family pics...

Here is one of the pictures we had done last night at the beach..... 

Family Pics...

Well we had our family pictures taken today. We all wore white--and had them taken at the beach around sunset....Unfortunately it was overcast--so no "sunset" pictures....but none the less I think they will turn out really nice...

We have never had any family pictures taken so this will be a first. It's horrible--these are the FIRST pictures I have had taken with Sarah....I should have done a cheapo family picture at least once when she was a baby...Live and Learn I guess...

First Haircut...

Well it is about that time. Sarah's 2nd birthday is rapidly approaching...her bangs are long and scraggily...AND we are having family pictures done at the beach tommorrow...So I decided it was time for her first haircut.

Now let me just say I am NOT a professional hairstylist in any way, shape or form. But I thought I could handle a few snips across her forehead... I mean how difficult could it be? Right??? Besides---I find it ridiculous to pay someone $20 to cut so little hair...

So I gathered up all my supplies, gave Sarah her bath and decided to get clipping...She must have known what I was about to do--and she was NOT happy about it!!! I managed to get her somewhat restrained in her highchair (which she never uses anymore :-( )

Well the pic on the left is before we started....her bangs were actually longer than they lok in the pic.....then the one on the right...lol....what can I say??? I tried! She was very upset at me in that pic...her bangs are a tad bit too short...in the pic they look like they are crooked---but I assure they really are not...must have been a bad angle....it looks much better now a few days after this incident!!

************PICTURES REMOVED!!! SORRY--DIDNT WANT TO LEAVE THEM UP UNTIL I GET INSTALL A CODE TO BLOCK RIGHT CLICK COPIES!!!

I did it!!!!...I did it!!!!

My first custom banner heading!!! Woo hoo!! AND all by myself---except for wldjoker and his help on HOW to do it!!lol....it really didn't take me too long once i figured out how to work some of the programs i already had!!! The pictures of the footprints on the header are actually Sarahs footprints taken at birth...How cool is that??? I figured it would be appropriate....

Yea me!!!! I love it!!!

Good post for discussion...

over at my new tenants blog....Adventures in Parenting..regarding the big dig tunnel death....just click on her blog link on the right there and it will zip you right over!!

I also wanted to say a BIG Thank you to wyldjoker over at Dads HighWAY for his valiant effort at helping me understand HTML code for a new banner I hope to have finished soemtime before Christmas!!!

Adoption Poem

Once upon a time I held a child,
whose eyes did not match mine.
Its hair a different color,
its smile was just divine.
This child was not born
from my womb,
but given by another,
For me to love and give a home,
to one day call me Mother.
No greater gift will I receive
or cherish more than this.
Thank you Lord with all my heart
for granting me my wish.
(Author: Linda Paige-Tolis)



This poem will DEFINATELY make its way into Sarahs scrapbook....

Blog Explosion & my new Tenant...

Well I decided to take a cue from Pajama Mama and check out Blog Explosion...It is a site to earn "traffic" to your blog...it is easy enough to use and free...you earn "credits" by viewing other blogs and by "renting" a spot on your blog for a Tenant....

So I am happy to announce my very first tenant is Valerie from Adventures in Parenting!!!! Motherhood...Marriage...and Mayhem..oh my!!! Her blog chronicles everyday life being a wife and mom--trying for baby #2!!! Please be sure to check her out!! The pictures of her son are absolutely adorable!!! Im just a sucker for cute little children!!

I also wanted to Thank everyone for their responses to the survey below...Especially Sunshine Girl...It was great to get the perspective from a former foster child herself...In this whole process that is the one thing I find lacking...Testimony from an ACTUAL foster child...she was the FIRST adult I have been able to connect to who has first hand knowledge by being one herself!! Thanks again!!!


***** I would ALSO like to thank Swaparama Mama... I got the slushie pin yesterday---and it is fabulous!!! Thank you so much!! I have it pinned to my bag already!!

Survey

I am feeling alot better now. I apologize for the frantic...errr...angry overtone of the last post. But this is where I come to vent to get it out of my system. Let me start off by saying I know not all people I encounter will be so clueless as to adoption etiquette...it just REALLY struck a nerve with me that day...

So I wanted to post a little survey to find out how any of you would broach certain subjects to the children you have adopted or to any person you decide to tell of your childs adoption....

1. When will you tell your child they are adopted? We plan on Sarah always knowing she is adopted...starting probally in the next year as she starts to ask questions about babies...on an age appropriate level of course...Somewhere along the lines of..."you grew in mommys heart not in my belly.."

2. How do you plan on explaining the whole foster care adoption thing??? Im still not totally sure of this one yet...probally little bits age appropriate...

3. Do you plan on letting your child have any contact with bio parents if adopted via fostercare??? Right now we do not. Due to certain factors we do not believe it would be safe for Sarah any time soon. We also want it to be HER choice whether she would like any contact when she is old enough providing there are no safety concerns....

I find myself in such a grey area with this whole adoption thing. Foster to adopt is alot different than regular domestic adoption in my opinion. The end result may be the same--- but the journey is completely unparallel....

Annoyed....

Well Sarah had an appointment today for a followup for her hearing...Her hearing is TOTALLY normal...But we had to get it checked since she is also going for a speech eval next month...Well she had been seen before in this practice---BEFORE the adoption was final. So they had her listed by her old last name. To change it to her new name--they said I had to bring a copy of the adoption decree and they would change it. No problem. Thats easy enough. So i brought it..gave it to the receptionist---who---was INCREDIBLY---dense, stupid, and I wanted to bang her head against the wall when I was finished!! LOL. So I handed her the adoption decree filled out all NEW paperwork to reflect the name change and our new address...Then the receptionist, asked me,"Well do you want to put her mom for an emergency contact?"

WTF?!?!!?!?
I said " I AM her mom....and you already have my info...."
Her, "Well what about her real mom....what if she has to bring her to an appointment.."
By now I am PISSED!!
"I am her real mom. Did you NOT read the adoption decree???? Why would her biological mother take her anywhere?? I bring MY daughter wherever SHE has to go...BECAUSE I AM HER MOTHER!!!!"

"well yea but i still need her moms info..." smirking while she said this.
By that time out came the supervisor, and turns out the receptionist was just being a bitch because the ONLY information she needed was mine...Bad experience with adoption maybe?? Not my problem. Don't try to undermine my role in my daughters life.

Errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr........Some people are sooo STUPID. Sarah is my daughter period. I do not care if she came out of my vagina or not. There should be mandatory sensitivity training for stupid people who have no idea how to be politically correct. Sorry for the angry rant...but it is people like this that i absolutely dread...I worry that Sarah will be confronted by those type of people when she is older---I worry that she will be made to feel that I am not her "real" mom, I worry about how she will handle those questions.

I am the one to stay up all night with her when she is sick....
I am the one who takes care of her on a daily basis....
I am the one who manages all of her medical needs...
I am the one to teach her right from wrong....
I am the one who wipes away her tears when she cries....
I am the one who kisses all of her boo boo's
I AM her mother!!!!