My Timeline

I was over at Dad's HighWAY blog earlier and noticed his post on "timeline". So I thought I would put mine up also starting from taking our first class.

January 2004 : Took our first Mapp class
January 12 2004: Mailed out our references to friends; for them to fill out
February 2004: Completed our Mapp training in the middle of the month
February 22 2004: Our first homestudy appointment & fingerprinting
February 28 2004: Our second homestudy appointment
March 28 2004: Licensed Foster Parents!!!!!!
April 1 2004: First placement. "A" 3 1/2 yeard old girl & "B" 4 months old boy.
April 21 2004: Returned to Biomom
April 24 2004: J & G brothers 9 &7 years old. We knew they were a temporary placement
May 14 2004: J & G returned to grandma
May 15 2004: Baby J 12 month old boy.
May 16 2004: Returned to biomom; who had hit him with a claw part of hammer
June 1 2004: T a 3 yr old girl
June 27 2004: T reunited with biodad
July 3 2004: Baby M 2 month old girl
July 9 2004: Baby M taken in by grandma
August 9 2004: Received call on Baby S; she will be placed w us when she is discharged from hospital

August 19 2004: Baby S taken home by us
December 21 2004: Baby S bioparents signed TPR!!!!
April 2005: Bioparents rights legally terminated
May 2004:P Assigned an adoption caseworker
February 13 2006: Adoption Finalized!!!!!!!!!! Thank God!!!!

Beara's Bum Butter

My sweet baby girl has a diaper rash. A bad one. She honestly has only had like 1 small rash in all of her 18 months....So about a week ago she got a small rash. Well it has just been getting worse and worse. I tried EVERYTHING; from every ointment/creme marketed to letting her go without a diaper....On Thursday I took her to the doctors; she said baby S had a yeast infection & a bacterial infection. Yikes!!! She was on antibiotics about 3 weeks ago so that probally started it.
So now we have 2 ointments to use on every diaper change. It is horrible. She is in so much pain it just makes me cry! I made up my own special little mixture for a diaper rash creme to put over the medicine. The Pediatrician thought I should "market" my concoction! But it really does help her. So in honor of my poor little diaper rashed girl; I named it after her. Beara's Bum Butter. Her nickname is Beara....(rhymes with her name).

Homecoming Part 2

When Baby S was 2 weeks old I was contacted for the first time by her biodad. He called me when I was at work so I could not answer right away. I listened to his voicemail with my heart in literally in my throat. I decided to take a break and go outside and call him back. When "W" (biodad) answered the phone I was speechless for a minute. We chatted and he asked questions about Baby S. How she was doing, ect. By that time Baby S had a few health problems. She was a preemie; and after about a week of having her home she decided she did not like to breathe very well. She would take some pauses and sometimes would turn blue. It scared me at first but I am a nurse so I regained my composure rather quickly to revive her. That landed us a trip to the ER. She was diagnosed with sleep apnea & reflux. We were sent home after 7 days in the hospital with an apnea monitor and a bag full of medication. I explained all of this to W. He was genuinely concerned. He expressed his interest of wanting to visit her. I assured him we would set something up soon. Everything was a little hectic then. We had just been threw a major hurricane that caused major damage to our area. We set up a meeting for the following week a few days before ANOTHER major hurricane was supposed to hit near us again. We agreed to meet at a Mcdonalds. I thought that would be neutral enough. Plus he was bringing Little Boy R with him as well.

Things I would like to change about the Foster Care System

1. Add drug testing to Foster Parent screening process. I mean Hello!!! The State takes children AWAY from their biofamilies who use drugs; why should they place them into a foster family that might possibly to drugs?!?!?!!?!?

2. Enforce a maximum age limit to be a foster parent. Im only saying this because I have seen several 70+ year olds applying to be foster parents to TEENAGERS!!! That is just ridiculous in my opinion. I am 26 and I dont think I have enough of an energy level to tackle having teens around!!!! Come on, how would a person that old even discipline a teen who especially has grown up "in the system".

3. After a child comes into state custody, I would like to see them stay IN care for at least 7 days before a emergency shelter hearing is held. To have proper investigation of the reason WHY they were placed to begin with. My husband and I where placed with a 12 month old litle boy; and the judge sent him back to his mother within 24 hours. This boy was placed in our care after being hit with the claw side of a hammer by his mom. Seems the judge thought there was not enough evidence;other than the 2 prog claw makes that traveled the back length of his body to prove it was intentional......

4. There is a HORRIBLE shortage of foster parents where I am from. My caseworker told me the other day they had 458 homes and 1580 children in care in our county only.......Most homes are overfilled...I would like to see more advertising and education on recruiting GOOD foster parents....Youd be surprised at how many actually do it for the meager check you receive for each child you have....Sick....

Well I guess that is a good start for now...Im sure I will think of many more things to bitch about when it comes to foster care............

Scrapbooking...

When our daughter was first placed with us; we were not sure exactly where this journey would lead us. As foster parents we were encouraged to start a "life book" for any long term placement we may have. Basically a photo album to document the childs life at that time; so that when the child was older at least he/she would have something from their childhood. So when Baby S came to us, I decided that I would do her book no different than I would a child of my own. She was a newborn; it was up to us to document her growing up for as long as she was with us. So I went out and bought the prettiest pink 12x12 scrapbook I could find, along with all the different scrapbooking accessories to make every page memorable. My mother worried making the book would make me get "too attached". My husband worried I was spending way too much money...I saw it a different way. Whether Baby S was to be ours or go back to her bioparents; she deserved a beautiful baby album. Even if I was only to start it, I hoped someone would continue it so that she could see how loved she was. In the first 5 or so pages I was careful to keep the pictures just about her. I tucked away the pictures that included us, as I could add extra pages later if she was to be ours. If her bioparents did reunify with her; I didnt want them to be reminded of what they missed out by seeing our pictures everywhere. Needless to say I have added a great many more pages to her book. I am VERY glad I started it when I did since I am very behind now!!! I just finished her 1st birthday pictures and she is now 18 months old!! Oh well....

Homecoming Part 1

I wanted to write about our overall experience from the day we brought Baby S home. We picked her up from the hospital on 8/19/04 when she was 11 days old. Got her home and settled. Our caseworker came to see us the next week. We truly had a great caseworker, I'll call her Mrs. G. She proceeded to tell us about the bioparents; or as much as she could anyways. They were not married, the bioparents also have a 2 year old son, Little Boy R, whom the biodad was given custody of. The biomom we found out also had another son from a different dad, Little Boy D. Little Boy D lives now with his paternal grandparents. We were told how the biomom starting using drugs when she was 5 months pregnant and had no prenatal appointments whatsoever. The biomom was Baker acted after giving birth, she also has a history of Bipolar disorder. We were told since the biomom was in rehab; the biodad was granted monthly visitation by the courts. We were prepared for that. Mrs. G gave us the option of taking Baby S to those meetings or she would do them. Even only having Baby S for a week; I already felt a mothers love & protection for her. "No", I told Mrs. G, I would arrange the meetings and take her there. I even gave her my cell phone number to give to the biodad so he could call me and I could keep him up to date on Baby S. Some people didnt agree with me on that, but I wanted him to trust us, i wanted him to feel comfortable knowing his baby was being taken care of, and I wanted him to be able to access us. Afterall, she WAS his daughter. And he had done nothing wrong to warrant the state taking her from him; it was the biomom who arranged that. His only fault was that as a single dad already with a 2 year old at home; he simply could not take care of her....

Newborn Picture

Baby S at 1 day old......notice the bulb syringe is almost bigger than her head!!!

Emotions...

I am so happy I am finally a "permanent" mommy. We knew for awhile now that she was ours; but until that final court hearing, that feeling of dread never completely goes away. The TPR was signed when Baby S was 4 months old. Today she is a little over 18 months. So for 14 months we waited. And waited. We honestly had nothing more than a few papers that needed filling out. The rest of the wait was the State. For what we waited I have no clue. We were assigned our official adoption caseworker about 8 months ago. She had told us that if WE were lucky she would *try* to work on our file at the end of every month.....OH well! At least we are done. Its kinda wierd being done. I keep expecting a caseworker wanting to make an appointment for our monthly visit! I finally have closure. Its great. One thing I found strange; when the hearing was over and she was proclaimed "ours" I felt this huge wave of relief and like a teeny tiny wall that surrounded my heart had just crumpled. I had not realized this wall existed. I thought I was loving my daughter fully; completely. But I guess I had reserved the tiniest part of my love just in case. To protect my soul from the unknown of foster care adoptions. To protect myself from self destruction SHOULD something would have went wrong. Its amazing the change in my daughter since the finalization also. Maybe she is growing up a bit, or maybe her little wall crumpled also. She is so full of love and laughter. Kisses and hugs. I am so lucky to be her mom. She is honestly the BEST thing that has ever happened in my life. She makes me a better person by far.

FINALIZATION DAY!!!!!!!

Today with an extremely happy heart I would like to announce the finalization of our daughter adoption!!!! Yeah!!! She has *always* been our daughter from day 1; but today it is officially "official"! Our meeting with the judge was set for 10:00 this morning and it lasted all of 10 minutes! It was soooo~oo nice to hear her proclaimed ours forever! Our two caseworkers met us at the courthouse. All of my family lives in a different state so they were unable to attend. My sister in law &brother in law live clsoe to us but they did not show up. Errrr...But that is an ENTIRELY different post. My princess was adorable! All dressed up. I am finally able to feel some closure and blow a *BIG* sigh of relief....No one can take her from us now....I don't have to worry anymore about a caseworker showing up at our door trying to take her away.....Not that that would have happened anyways since the TPR was signed when she was 4 months old.....But as a foster to adopt parent; that thought is always in the back of your mind!!! I am soo happy right now!!! Life truly cannot get any better!!!

Baby S footprints at birth

4lbs 6 oz. 18 inches long

And then we were three;

I remember the day I picked up our daughter from the hospital. It was a warm summer day. She was 11 days old. She had spent the past 11 days in the NICU. We were not allowed to visit her until her discharge day. I was so sad, everyday I called the hospital to see if “today was the day”. She was a preemie; born 7 weeks early. She spent most of her days under the bili light treating her jaundice. At birth she weighed 4 lbs 6 oz. Tiny but perfect. They told me she had a few bradycardia episodes (slow heart rate) which gradually resolved. She was born exposed to cocaine. But you would not know it if you were to look at her. She was so peaceful and not fussy at all. She never went through withdraws thank god! When I first saw her I fell in love. I had to take the discharge class, and she had to pass her hearing test and car seat test. She passed both with flying colors. Then I had to feed her before we could leave. I had never held a baby so small before. I was so nervous. She ate good for me and we packed up her things. The nurse told me, “ Im so glad she is going to a loving family. We were all worried about her. No one has ever come to see her the whole time she was here.” What????!!!! I was sooo upset. The state worker said I could not visit Baby S, but I assumed maybe someone would visit from her bio family. Nope. No one. How sad for 11 days my daughter had no one. Did she feel forgotten? I hope not. I buckled her in her seat. Got everything set up in the car. And away we went. OMG. I was a mommy. I didn’t know for how long, but right now I WAS a mommy!!! Then I panicked myself. I got sooo nervous and scared that I had to pull off the road to throw up! What a sight that was I bet! Good thing she had no clue! We made it home safely though. My jitters and butterfly stomach had resolved. And I was a mommy.

PCOS, a cure?!?!?!? I wish.............

Something funny happened to me a few days ago. I got my period. Ahhhh…so what’s the big deal you may ask? I NEVER get my period. You see I was diagnosed with PCOS about 5 years ago officially. So the only time I would get my period is when I was taking progesterone. All the doctors told me “If you lose weight, you’ll get your period….” Yada Yada Yada. Well it’s not like I’m terribly overweight now, so I thought “to hell with it”. I mean when I was a teenage I weighed like 120 and my periods were still terribly irregular. So what’s going on now???? I have a theory. About 8 days ago I decided to start taking Trimspa to lose a few pounds and curb my bread loving appetite. I actually have only lost like 3 pounds so I am positive that losing weight is not the cause for good ole Aunt Flo. BUT. The reproductive world thinks that PCOS is caused by some form of insulin resistance; making ovulation rare. Soooo why am I typing this??? WELL, the back of the Trimspa box says the following:
“Glucosamine delays the effect of insulin in the body, sending glucose directly to your
Muscles for energy, instead of being transferred & deposited as fat…”
Hmmmmmmmmm. Sure beats paying a hefty sum for the Metformin my doctor said I would have to use to get my periods back. Who knows maybe I’ll actually get pregnant. I wouldn’t mind having another baby. But honestly; I would rather adopt than have a biological child. I think I would feel like I would be betraying Baby S if I had a biological baby. Does that make sense??? I don’t even know if I could possibly love another child as much as I love my little S.

THINGS TO ASK ABOUT A POSSIBLE PLACEMENT:

AGE OF CHILD?
RACE OF CHILD?
WHY IS THE CHILD IN STATE CUSTODY?
WHEN DID THE CHILD COME INTO CUSTODY?
HAS THE CHILD BEEN IN STATE CUSTODY BEFORE?
HEALTH PROBLEMS WITH CHILD?
PHYSICAL PROBLEMS WITH CHILD?
MENTAL PROBLEMS WITH CHILD?
ANY AGGRESSIVE BEHAVIORS?
HOW LONG TO YOU THINK CHILD MIGHT BE IN STATE CUSTODY?
WAS CHILD PHYSICALLY ABUSED?
WAS CHILD SEXUALLY ABUSED?
HOW DOES CHILD ACT WITH OTHER CHILDREN?
IS THE CHILD ON ANY MEDICATIONS?
DOES THIS CHILD HAVE ANY SPECIAL NEEDS?
WHAT SIZE DOES THE CHILD WEAR?
DOES THE CHILD REQUIRE ANY SPECIAL FOODS?
DOES THE CHILD HAVE AN ALLERGIES?
DOES THE CHILD HAVE ANY CONTAGIOUS DISEASE?


SOMETIMES TO GET AN EXACT ANSWER FROM THE CASEWORKER YOU MIGHT HAVE TO ASK THE SAME QUESTION BUT SAY IT A DIFFERENT WAY. SOME OF THE QUESTIONS MAY SEEM PETTY, BUT IF YOU DO NOT ASK THEM, THEY WILL NOT TELL YOU!!!!

Tips for New Foster Parents:

1. ASK QUESTIONS!!!! NO QUESTIONS IS BETTER OFF UNANSWERED!!! DON’T WORRY ABOUT OFFENDING THE CASE WORKER. THEY ARE THERE TO HELP YOU AND THEIR AGENCY!!!
2. DON’T BE AFRAID TO SAY “NO” TO A PLACEMENT. IF IT IS NOT A PLACEMENT YOU DO NOT FEEL COMFORTABLE WITH DON’T DO IT!!! TRUST ME THEY WILL CALL YOU AGAIN FOR ANOTHER PLACEMENT!!!!!
3. BE UPFRONT WITH WHAT TYPE OF PLACEMENT YOU WOULD CONSIDER TAKING! YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO BE PICKY!! IT IS YOUR HOUSE, YOUR FAMILY, YOUR LIFE!!!
4. DON’T WAIT FOR THE AGENCY TO CALL YOU FOR PLACEMENTS!!! SOMETIMES THEY DON’T CALL EVERY FAMILY. I WOULD CALL ONCE A WEEK AND SEE WHAT THEY HAD AVAILABLE. IF THE SITUATION DIDN’T SUIT ME, I WOULD THANK THEM AND DECLINE. BUT YOU BETTER BELIEVE AFTER A MONTH THEY KNEW MY NAME AND WHAT TYPE OF PLACEMENT I DESIRED!!!!
5. WHEN THEY CALL FOR A PLACEMENT GET AS MUCH INFO ON THE KIDS AS YOU CAN!!! YOU WILL HAVE TO ASK THEM BECAUSE A LOT OF TIME THEY WILL NOT GET IN DEPTH ESPECIALLY IF THERE IS A PROBLEM WITH THE KIDS.

THE call

I remember it exactly, almost word for word. It was what we were waiting for. I was at work at the hospital, outside on a smoke break. When my phone rang. "unknown" said my caller ID. I jumped. The only calls I got that said "unknown" are from the foster agency. The call went something like this:

Me: Hello?
Ms. Investigator: Michelle?
Me: Yes.....Can I help you??????????????
Ms. Investigator: I...ah....Just wanted to talk to you.....about a placement we might have for you
Me: Oh? Well whats going on?
Ms Investigator: Well we have an infant....and her older brother who is 2.....who were placed in
shelter status today.....the infant is on hold in the hospital....
Me: (interuptiing) a newborn????
ms Investigator: Yes.....she was born yesterday....she is in the NICU....tested positive for drugs
at birth....She will be there for a bit....but we wanted to have a home lined up
for them in the mean time.....
Me: What about the little boy?
MI: Well we are not totally sure we will place him in care......He is living with the bio dad right
now.....we have a shelter hearing later today to see where the boy goes.....
Me: So we might just get the baby only then?
MI: Yes.......probally.....we will be sure after the shelter hearing....but
Me: So do you thnk that this COULD be an adoption situation???????
MI: I really dont know...Probally not....but you never know. Mom has a history of drug abuse...
so...........

So blah blah blah......on it went....my heart dropped the moment she said newborn girl. That was my dream come true. Even though she said she didnt think the baby would go for adoption...I just had this FEELING. Like this is IT!!!! I cant explain it. But I was so sure......I KNEW.
The little boy ended up staying with his bio dad, and the newborn was placed with us. She spent 11 days in the NICU. On 8/19/04 we brought her home from the hospital. How lucky was I? I was happy just to experience a newborn, I hadnt dreamed I would have the honor of taking a baby home from the hospital!!!! It was beautiful....

Choices

Private, International or Foster to adopt. Those were our choices. We didnt have any children; Ireally wanted to experience being a mom to a newborn. So International was out, not to mention there would be no way to get my husband on an airplane that went anywhere near the ocean. There was something about private adoptions I wasnt really comfortable with. Too long of a wait, too much money, too much controversey, and the BIG reason: I was petrified the biological mom would change her mind last minute. Dont get me wrong thats the mothers right. I just would not have been able to handle it. I had been through so much. And after going threw numerous IVF procedures we just didnt have 20-30k laying around to do a private adoption. So we were left with foster to adopt. It sounded great to us. We didnt have to pay for anything. Sure there was no guarentee. I could live with that. We were told our chances of getting placed with a somewhat healthy caucasian newborn would take years, and there was no guarentee the baby would ever be placed for adoption. But we went for it. 8 weeks of MAPP classes, 2 homestudies, background checks, FBI checks, fingerprinting, and a partridge in a pear tree....We decided to take placements of kidswho we knew would not be adoptable just to give them a good home while we waited for our "forever" placement. We started the process in December of 2003, we where licensed in 3/2004. Our 1st placement arrived 4/1/04. A 3 year old and her 4 month old brother. Physically abused & neglected. Sad. they went back to their bio mom in 21 days. We missed them, but there was nothing we could do about it. Our motto was "At least we gave them a healthy & safe home for as long as we possible can" Thats all we can do. So from April 2004-August 2004 we were placed with 6 foster kids. All of whom we knew where not going to be adoptable. But that was ok. It was a growth experience. Then we got THE call on August 9, 2005.

So we decided we wanted to adopt.....

Our decision did not come that easily. After we had been married for 2 or 3 years; we decided to try to start our family. Our course I had an inkling that we would have problems. I did alot of reading and researching to try to find out what could be "wrong" with me. My periods were irregular, I had been having a steady weight gain, and slight facial hair was starting to sprout up unempectedly. That let me to think I had PCOS. My OB/GYN refered us to a Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE). He put us both through a battery of tests. Semen analysis, HSG, blood work, ultrasounds......You name it. The RE told us everything came back pretty much normal. He diagnosed me with PCOS due to the traits I exhibited, but my blood work was normal. He decided our next step should be to try Clomid; which is an ovulation stimulant. We tried 6 rounds of clomid before we decided to move on. I had not ovulated once while on that medicine. So we took a break. Saved some money. Next step IVF. We were told we had an excellent chance, being young and healthy. My eggs were exquisite. LOL. Round One. I lost count of how many injections I gave myself in my thighs. The shot in my butt at the end of the cycle was a doozie. Egg retrieval was painful. We harvested 37 eggs. The RE was pleased. 25 fertilized. 3 were implanted. 15 were good enough to freeze for future tries . None however implanted. I was crushed. I thought for sure I was going to be a mommy. Nope. Not this round. We took about a 6 month break before we tried FET (frozen embryo transfer). 3 implanted again, we had 6 eggs remaining frozen. But it didnt work. Desperation filled my heart. I KNEW I wanted to be a mommy. Iwas READY. I WANTED it soooooo bad. So again we tried with our final FET and transfered the remaining 4 embryos that survived the thaw. Again we were to be disappointed. We were down but not out. We wanted it bad enough. But we realized we wanted to be parents. It didnt matter how we got there. Biological or not; we were made to be parents. We didnt want to ossibly waste anymroe money on treatment. THere were chldren out there who needed parents as much as we needed a child.

Ramblings

I wanted to take some time to collect my thoughts. Its so funny how things work out sometimes. Im a HUGE believer in FATE/DESTINY. The more I think about certain instances of my life where something monumental has happened; and the consequences that arise from that instance. The choices I have made thus far; whether others believe them right or wrong, have worked out for me. I can't imagine my life being any different. Not that my life is perfect in any sense. But it just works for me. Ya know? The more I think of certain decisions I have made and how they have impacted the course of my life; I find it absolutely amazing. Whoever could doubt that destiny really exists??? I have been thinking...."What if I had done this different..?" ...."Would it still have turned out like this?????"............Scary to realize that something I could have done different would alter my life in a huge way... Let me share some.....

1. When I got out of the military I went home. Started a semester of college. So my best friend tried to convince me to move to Florida with her. I didn't give it much thought. I was all for it. I was home for a total of 5 months before I packed my car and drove down with her. We had arranged for an apartment. That was it. We had no jobs, and I only had like $1000 to my name. My family thought I was nuts. But if I didnt move I NEVER would have met my husband or had my daughter. So that brings me to...............

2. How I met my husband. After panicking for the first 2 weeks in Florida about not having a job, I got hired at a local health system. I was scheduled to go to an orientation; which I ended up rescheduling last minute. My roomie had went on a vacation with her family and left her car at the apartment. As I was leaving to go to my orientation, my car of course WOULD NOT start. Great. I couldnt miss the prientation again or I wouldnt have a job. Without a job I could not get myc ar fixed or pay bills. So I "borrowed" my roomies car after much deliberation. So much deliberation in fact I was running late to my orientation. But to my relief I was not the only one running late!! There was another girl who had walked in right behind me; and the only 2 open seats left in the classroom where side by side....That girl was my husbands sister. After hanging out & chatting all day we exchanged numbers to hang out again....We became great friends and she introduced me to my love about 2 weeks later..............HOWS THAT FOR FATE?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?