Not Nice!!

Well it seems my little bug is picking up words left and right. About a week ago Sarah was starting to act up and acting like a little kamikaze stuntwoman. So I asked her,"Do you want a time-out?" I really hadn't expected an answer- I never before brought up "time-out" to her. I havn't needed to. She is basically well behaved. So imagine my surprise when Sarah says, "Noooooo. No. No." I thought it was a fluke. Surely she didn't understand what I was saying, right?? Well when i took her to school the next day I was chatting with her teacher. It seems, Sarah had quite a few run ins with the phrase "time-out". So since then it has been my phrase to give her a reality check and calm her down when she starts to get a little hyped up. So this weekend, my husband and I had Sarah in our van with us driving to the store. She ended up throwing a shoe or some other projectile object at me, I can't quite remember. So I turned around and said, "NOT NICE!!" Guess what she said right back to me??? Yep. NOT NICE. Funny little bug she is. Well yesterday I was loading our dishwasher, and she kept trying to get into where the knives were and grab one. BIG no-no. SO after like 50 times of correcting her I asked her if she wanted to go to time out. No no no, was the answer I got. Of course. Well then after she hit number 51 of trying to grab a knife, I put her into a real time out. She started crying the "silent" cry, with her mouth wide open no sound emerging. All of a sudden she stopped and looked at me and started shaking her little index finger at me and said, "NOT NICE". Oh man, did I just want to run and laugh. It was soo hard to keep a straight face. But i prevailed. This time.

IM HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well what an experience this has been...We are safe and sound in our new apartment. Whew! Im about 98% unpacked. I love it!! it is bigger than the house we just sold!!!! It has taken forever to get our phone/cable/internet set up via Comcast. What a pain in the ass that has been. 2 no show appointments and I finally can blog again!!! Oh man, cable internet is awesome..We had been living in the dark ages of dial-up. What a difference. Sarah is doing wonderful. She had a few rough nights when we first moved in. I have soo many funny storiesto update later once i get my pc all set up again..IT IS SOOO GOOD TO BE BACK!!! I cant wait to read everyones blog and catch up with them~!!!

T minus 6 days---

until we move!!!! We are getting the moving van this weekend so we can have it slowly packed by Monday..I even was able to convince my husband to let me hire 2 guys to help move the heavy stuff!!! Yea!!!
On a more serious note-we have hit the most horrible of developmental milestones full force. Temper Tantrums. I thought she was having them before--but man, what she does now is just awful. It scares me--she seriously tries to hurt herself. She throws herself on our (tile!!) floors and tries to bang her head, and slam her feet; she pinches & bites herself, AND pulls her own hair!! Not to mention the SCREAMING!!! I feel so bad-- I don't know what to do. When she gets like that I put her in her crib until she calms down (at least she is safe there)...other than that- I am lost. I feel like such a bad mommy some times. My husband is more of the type to let her do whatever so long as she does not scream and throw a fit. However; I cant do that. I stand my ground--then I pay for it!! I figure I would rather go threw it now than when she is a hormonal teenager. If anyone has any suggestions---PLEASE give them to me!!!

Me Fine Foundation

i wanted to post the actual link to the Me Fine Organization homepage... the link from the post below is her journal about her son with some info on the organization but the following link is the main site:

http://www.mefinefoundation.org/

Thankful...

Things are sorting themselves out on the homefront here...Our move adte is rapidly approaching--and I have YET to pack. I think I am in denial still..Oh well I guess I function better under pressure anyways..
We got a new minivan on Friday--Yes I said MINIVAN! Holy cow, I never thought of myself driving one of those...But I absolutely LOVE it!! Toyota Sienna rocks!! We are having the dvd player installed this Wednesday so our darling Sarah will be completely entertained on our drives to Walmart!!!
I follow alot of blogs that are caringbridge sites. Those are sites for parents who have critically ill children so they may keep their friends/families updated. It tugs at my heart everytime Iread them. But they keep me grounded. They let me truly appreciate what I have and overlook the spaghetti being thrown at my walls on a constant basis. I have decided at least once a week I want to post a link to one of those sites; so we all may be reminded that tommorrow is NOT a guarantee--and how quickly our lives could change. The first one I am posting is a site of a mom who lost her son to cancer. She took her pain and started a nonprofit organization to help OTHER families with terminal/critical children. Me Fine organization is a charity that I wholly believe in...In fact I am starting a box to send to them right now--they need constant donations of everything. From toilet paper to bleach to walmart cards to phone cards--with 100% of everything going to families who need them. Check it out. Click on journal history to read everything she has posted including the journey of ehr son Folden Lee II...
http://www3.caringbridge.org/nc/folden/

Wow...

two posts in one day!!! I am on a roll again!!!

Here are Sarahs Easter pics taken last month at 19 months...

Im still here... :-)

This past week has been a whirlwind of doctors & testing..So far all tests are coming back normal!! Thank god!! The only thing that comes close to explaining what is going on with me is Reflux. Yep. Nothing like acid corroding your throat so bad it swells shut. I had an appointment with my ENT (ear, nose &throat doc) and he put the camera down my throat and nose. *GAG*. I told him he is lucky I cant eat or his shoes would have been decorated with my lunch that day!! So now I am on nexxium. It seems to be working so far!! On that note; I would like to say THANK GOD I HAVE INSURANCE!!! That little purple pill was almost $300 for a month supply!! So I am hoping by the end of next week I will be able to eat like a normal person without choking everytime I *try* to swallow. It seriously took me over an HOUR to eat a tiny 3 inch quesedilla (sp?) the other night.. Sarah is doing good. She continues to amaze me everyday. I do not know what I would do without her. She has been absolutely obsessed with potty training lately...she is 20 months old (18months corrected age) so I was hoping to wait until she was closer to 2 years old before we started this...It is ridiculous. Her school WILL NOT do anything with potty training until she is in the 2 year old room. So I was trying to save her from the confusion; but I dont think that is gonna happen!! Her vocabulary is getting better everyday. Last night I let her lay in bed with me for a little bit (bad I know!!!) but I could nt help it--she is so darn cuddily lately. SHe kept putting her little arm over me and saying "oh Mummy". It just melts my heart!!!

As promised---

Well things sure have hectic on my homefront lately. Our closing date for our house is about a month away--but it seems I have accumulated alot more "stuff" than I previously thought I had. So we have been sorting, shuffling and packing items away that we dont use on a daily basis. My garbage men must hate me. Each week our pile is bigger than the last. It is only a matter of time before they strike on us--I am sure of it!!
Work has been--well--work...I normally really enjoy my job; but this week was a little much for me. One of my patients almost died with me there. As sad as it is--I have seen plenty of people die--I am a nurse. But I made a switch to Pediatrics a bit ago--and this was my first experience with a 3 year old almost dying. Whew--it was hard. Very hard. The mommy in me made me freeze for a moment--which is not good. Thankfully the nurse in me kicked right in and took care of the situation. My heart ached for the mother. Her child is terminally ill to begin with but I dont think you are EVER prepared to let your child go. I had tears in my eyes when it was done--I almost had to walk out of the room afterward. I managed to get control of my emotions though. I can honestly say; the day I dont have tears in my eyes for a child who almost or does die, is the day I quit.
Sarah is growing leaps and bounds. Everyday there is a new word it seems. She is still a little bit behind; but not much. She is such a good girl. This time change has definately got her confused. It seems she believes if it is daylight then it is not time for bed. Oh well!!!
I have an MRI scheduled for tommorrow. It seems my body is officially falling apart. For the past 5 days I have had a wierd tightness in my throat. Making it difficult to swallow, I have a hard time eating and drinking anything. I pray it is nothing serious. And of course the feeling like I am being strangled does nothing for my panic attacks I have been having since I almost died of a medication reaction on March 1st....Please keep me in your prayers!!!
Well I guess that about does it for now--talk to you guys soon!!!

Tommorrow...

I promise I will post an update!!! I have been super busy with selling our house, work, and with Sarah of course--After the beginning of May my schedule will be alot more open...I have been having some health issues also-but I will get to that tommorrow evening...Take care!!

Adoption Books

I found myself at Barns & Noble yesterday. I was trying to find a book about Fostering to Adopt. There were none. So I went over to the childrens section and the only book about adoption they had was "Tell me again" by Jamie Lee Curtis. Which of course does not pertain to foster to adopt. I was so disappointed. Surely; I thought someone had broached this subject. But I guess not. So I am now vaguely entertaning the thought of writing a childrens book about being adopted through foster care. Sounds like a project for this summer. I used to love to write and I was pretty good at it once upon a time. So we'll see......
Other than that things have been pretty much status quo. Our closing on our house is May 9th. We have been making taking trips to the storage unit trying to get ready. It will be tight. We have to be moved out on the 8th which is the earliest day we can get into our new apartment!! Talk about a crunch. But I dont want to think about that now!!
Baby S is getting big--almost 20 months old. And boy--we have started the temper tantrums!! Sheesh! I was hoping for another 4 months of truce but I guess she has other plans!!
So I have decided to stop calling her Baby S. She is my daughter finally. I feel comfortable enough using her real first name. Sarah. My princess.

I just love freebies--dont you??? A friend of mine sent me an email with links to all kinds of FREE things for parents & expectant parents!! I love the charmin potty training kit--too cool. http://www.charmin.com/en_us/pages/offers_pttraining.shtml

here is the link for the full page of freebies:
http://www.justfreestuff.com/babies.html


if any one else has any good link for free things let me know!!! You'd be amazed at some of the things I can get for free....diapers...wipes....motrin....all kinds of goodies!!!

Guess What?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?

We had an offer on our house yesterday!!! Today we accepted!! Yea us!!! Im soo excited. Our house was only on the market for 9 days. So lets all just keep our fingers crossed that nothing comes up that would sour the deal!!! It is such perfect timing! Our closing is the day after we move out of the house!! We are going to rent a huge apartment our last year in Florida--the maintenance free lifestyle...Then at least we won't have to worry about a house for this years' hurricane season--which is quickly approaching!!!
Speaking of hurricane season--I am not looking forward to it at all (not like I ever did anyways). But ever since we were hit with Charley I have panic attacks when one gets close. Panic attacks + toddler= useless mommy syndrome
I don't know what is wrong with me. Ever since I had my *near* death experience over antibiotics on March 1st; I have a damn attack every time I swallow a pill. Doesn't matter what pill it is--even if i have taken those particular kind like a million times before. I have a doctors appointment tommmorrow. I dont want anxiety meds;I just want to be allergy tested for every single substance on earth---thats not too much to ask is it???? Hopefully the doctor doesn't think so...

Errrrrrrrrrrr......

I am frustrated!!! I need to seriously vent--so I will apologize in advance. My SIL. Wow. What a piece of work. She is one of those people who "know" everything. Even though she is 24 years old. Ok, now granted I am only like 5 years older than her; but OMG!!!! She drives me insane.
She believes she is the best mother in the world. That she has raised a prodigy. Ok reality check. Her son is satans' spawn. Seriously. Mean, rude, he cusses, he hits, he is stingy, and bad bad bad!!!!!! Yeah I know he is technically my nephew; but I hate to say it: I do not like him. It is not really his fault. It is the way his mother raised him. She, of course, blames everything (one) but herself. Uhh--HELLO!!! If you scream and cuss at your children and call them a "jerk"; "bastard" and such; chances are he will be saying the same things!!! But what would I know right??? According to her; her son is older than my daughter so obviously she KNOWS more about parenting than me!!!!
I don't even like my daughter around them at all. My SIL is one of those jealous types. If she gets or has something no one else does; then that is all you hear about. But for instance, when I try to talk to her about us selling our house and building a new one; she cuts me off & makes an excuse to get off of the phone. She is a renter who will never in her natural life have a house because they chose to spend spend spend. She is just so darn competitive it makes me sick. Over petty shit no less. She is even jealous that my husband and I have a little girl. Yes. Thats what I said. She is jealous I have a daughter and she has a son. She always wanted a little girl; after we brought Baby S home; SIL would not answer her phone for like 6 months!!! I cant wait to move far far far away from these people....................

Hilarious...Ahh the 80's

You know you grew up in the 80's if......

1. You've ever ended a sentence with the word "SIKE."
2. You can sing the rap to the "Fresh Prince of Bel Air" and can do the "Carlton."
3. Girls wore biker shorts under their skirts and felt stylishly sexy.
4. Two words: Hammer Pants.
5. You wore a ponytail on the side of your head.
6. You made your mom buy one of those clips that would hold your shirt in a knot on the side.
7. You wore stone washed Jordache jean jackets and were proud of it.
8. L.A.Gear....need I say more?
9. You remember reading "Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing" and all the Ramona Quimby books.
10. You know the profound meaning of "WAX ON, WAX OFF." (Restin peace...)
11. You ever wore fluorescent clothing. (Some of us...head-to-toe, not to mention matching!!)
12. You can remember what Michael Jackson looked like before his nose fell off and his cheeks lifted.
13. You still get the urge to say "NOT" after every sentence.
14. You ever owned a pair of Jelly-Shoes (and probably in neon colors, too. Can you say STINKY FEET!!).
15. After you saw "Pee-Wee's Big Adventure" you kept saying "I know you are, but what am I?
16. You remember "I've fallen and I can't get up."
17. You remember going to the skating rink before there were inline skates.
18. You ever got seriously injured on a Slip and Slide.
19. You have played with a Skip-It.
20. You had or attended a birthday party at McDonalds.
21. You've gone through this nodding your head in agreement.
22. "Don't worry, be happy."
23. You wore, like, EIGHT pairs of socks over tights with high top Reeboks.
24. You wore socks scrunched down and sometimes still do.
25. You remember boom boxes.
26. You remember Alf, the li'l furry brown alien from Melmac.
27. You remember New Kids on the Block when they were cool.
28. You know all the words to Bon Jovi's "SHOT THROUGH THE HEART."
29. You just sang those words to yourself.
30. You remember watching Magic vs. Bird. Oh yeah............it will never be that good again.
31. Homemade Levi shorts... (The shorter the better.)
32. You remember when mullets were cool!
33. You had a mullet!
34. You still sing "We are the World."
35. You tight rolled your jeans.
36. You owned a banana clip.
37. You remember "Where's the Beef?
38. You used to (and probably still do) say "What you talkin' 'bout Willis?"
39. You had big hair and you knew how to use it.

You're still singing "Shot through the Heart" in your head, aren't you!!!?

Homecoming Part 3: First visit with Biodad

So we had our first meeting at McDonalds. Biodad brought Little Boy R and his stepmother with him. It was the first time he had seen Baby S since she was born and she was about 4 weeks old. She already had her apnea monitor by then. We sat and talked for awhile. Baby S started to get hungry and I asked the biodad if he would like to feed her. He was nervous holding her since she was so tiny but he did feed her for a bit until Little Boy R started to get jealous and wanted to go outside and play. So the stepmom took over the feeding. The stepmom was very nice and understanding. She told me all kinds of things. Basically her and her husband did not believe the biodad would be able to care for the baby. I took that moment to mention that my husband and I would of course be interested in adopting Baby S if that was ever an option. I figured I had nothing to lose by mentioning it; and everything to gain.
She told me that they were unable to take Baby S also. Its not that they were not able to; but that it was a lifestyle choice for them. Our visit lasted about an hour. Biodad thanked me for taking good care of the baby and he said he was glad that we had her. It was the next to last time he saw her before they signed the TPR 3 months later.

Stages

It seems Baby S has hit a new *stage*!!! One I like to call the "jumping bean" stage. Consisting of her pretty much jumping on the most unsafe & unsturdy object on the ground and giving Mommy a panic attack--Only moments later to wobble and jump to the hard tile floor using her Kamikaze style moves. Man I hope this passes quick.
Yesterday Baby S had a pulmonology appointment; where she was *officially* diagnosed as an asthmatic. Inhalers and Nebulizers oh my!!! She was *such* a big girl at the doctors office. She sat in her own seat in the waiting room and behaved VERY well for being 19 months old. So we get home and I was trying to explain all the meds and treatments to my husband--bless his heart..He says "this ahh seems like a medical condition..." Well--DUH!!! He means well, but he is not medically inclined in the least. Baby S did very well so far with her inhaler; we have to give it to her twice a day.
Our house was *officially* on the market as of yesterday also. The sign is in our front yard!! Please pray for us that it sells quickly!!! I think it will do good; great house and very reasonably priced for our neighborhood..I am soooo glad we built it when we did.
It still feels wierd to be done with DCF regarding Baby S. It is like I keep expecting to hear from them to set up a visit to come to see her. I feel alot better about the placement we turned down. I mean I know it is our right to say yes or no; but I still felt bad about it. I felt like I was letting the little girl down..I WISH I could take them all. I really do. If I could; I would have a big ranch overflowing with children....I'm sure one day in the future we will adopt another one. I'm just not sure the route we will take.

Placement Call

DCF called me today about a placement. A 2 year old little girl who was taken AGAIN from her parents. I just could not do it. As much as I hate to say it; I'm done. Life is too hectic right now. I just can't take another child with no notice and no daycare set up. Sounds horrible right?? I feel like crap! We were blessed to adopt our daughter. We eventually DO want to adopt again in the next few years; but I think we will go the International route or maybe a very open private adoption. I have to put Baby S' needs first. I want to spoil her and love her to no end. And right now; I don't want to divide my attention with another child. I mean if they were to call us tommorrow for a newborn who was defeinately going for adoption...would I do it??? Maybe, but I really don't know. It is very important to us that Baby S be the oldest of our children. I feel really really bad. Like I am letting them down. I know we have to do what is right for our own family; but I just cant shake the crummy feeling. I know we would give ANY child a safe, happy place but I am not ready to get back on the rollercoaster just yet...I didn't even tell my husband about the placement call. Shame on me. I just know I cant handle it right now.

Letter to Biomom....

Well last week I sent Baby S' biomom a letter and a picture from her 1st birthday series. I havn't had alot of contact with any of the biofamily in a long time due to safety reasons. Biomom just got out of jail about two months ago also. So when our adoption finalization day came; our caseworker handed us an envelope with biomoms info in it in case we wanted it. Turns out the biomom had called her a few days prior to give her the info in case we decided to send pictures.
How to handle this adoption being open has been a deep conversation topic for us for awhile now. We have NO problem with an open adoption if this was a NORMAL adoption to begin with. But it is not. The bioparents were not planning to place Baby S for adoption at birth. The State intervened. There are a ton of issues floating around that make us hesitant to have this even a little bit of an open adoption. Drugs, crimes, mental illness. Dont get me wrong Im not being negative to anyonea mental illness. BUT. When the biomom refuses to take her meds and goes off on rampages I get concerned.
So we came to the understanding that Baby S of course will ALWAYS know she is adopted. As her age progresses she will know HOW she came to be adopted in the first place. I think she has a right to know the whole truth; on an age appropriate level of course. We decided that it will be HER decision if and when she ever wants to meet her bioparents. That includes her biosiblings. Our caseworker tried long and hard to get us to consider letting Baby S "know" her siblings as she grows up. If we do that I feel as though WE are making that decision for her, and I dont want to do that. It has to be her decision. Its not like she GREW up with her siblings and knew them before she came to us anyways. And besides that there is absolutely no way for her to be completely involved with her siblings and not be subjected to her bioparents; as Little Boy R lives with the biodad.
I know not everyone will agree with us, but we really have tried to make the best & safest decision for Baby S.
So on to the letter to her biomom. I wrote a very nice card; updated her a bit on Baby S. Told her Baby S has her eyes and nose. And I pleaded with her to find peace, happiness and healing for her soul. I cannot imagine trying to explain to Baby S that her biomom chose a life of drugs over her....

Ok...

So I almost died yesterday. Seriously. No Exaggerating here. My doctor prescribed an antiobiotic called Keflex for me to take. I had never taken this medication before. So yesterday evening I took my FIRST dose of just 1 pill. My husband and I were in the garage having a cigarette when all of a sudden my tongue started to itch!!! I thought I was going crazy cause WHY would my tongue be itching?!?!?!?! The itching spread all over my face, so I went to wash it off. Well I felt a little better then until I could feel my tongue swelling in the mouth. I yelled for A to call EMS. Well 15 fricken minutes later they arrived with me lying in my driveway unable to breathe. How scary. Suffocating is one of my worst fears of dying to begin with...So my blood pressure clocked in at 160/110, and my heart rate was 160 in the ambulance. Now I must add I am a nurse. So I understood everything they were frantically saying in the ambulance. Freaked me out. I heart the words stroke, heartattack, because my vital sign were danagerously high. My respirations were like an 8 (20 is normal) so I had to have a tube in my throat to breathe. The real kicker came when I heard them say they had to take me to the closer hospital (which is NOT the best) or I would not make it. But I am alive. I cant believe it. When I got to hold my daughter today all i could do was cry; I kept thinking that I might NOT have been around today to see her at all.....So I am officially banned from all cephalosporin antibiotics. Which is pretty much all of them, I cant have penicillan either because there is a cross over rate if you are allergic to other antibiotics....So lets just pray I NEVER get another infection!!!

Yes I know...

I have been slacking off on posting!! It has just been so darn hectic around here!! We are in the process of selling our house; actually we just hired an agent last week!! We also have been trying to coordinate where we will live once it is sold....We are moving back up north in the spring of 2007 so we have about a year to kill in Florida. Well as luck would have it; we got an aparrtment that is available in mid May...so now we just have to sell our house!!! Anyone interested?!?!?!? Beautiful house...bargain deal if you ask me!! Baby S said something new yesterday. She was shaking her head and said "no no no no no", all because she saw me going to grab a new diaper to change her bum... She is sooo funny lately. A regular comedienne. As I type this she is *supposed* to be napping. Instead I hear "Yeah....Yeahhhhh...No.....Babyyyyyy....Puppy" I love her to pieces. I mailed her biomom a card last week but I will post about that later. FYI: We have her address & phone number but she does not have ours or even know our last name...