Emotions...

I am so happy I am finally a "permanent" mommy. We knew for awhile now that she was ours; but until that final court hearing, that feeling of dread never completely goes away. The TPR was signed when Baby S was 4 months old. Today she is a little over 18 months. So for 14 months we waited. And waited. We honestly had nothing more than a few papers that needed filling out. The rest of the wait was the State. For what we waited I have no clue. We were assigned our official adoption caseworker about 8 months ago. She had told us that if WE were lucky she would *try* to work on our file at the end of every month.....OH well! At least we are done. Its kinda wierd being done. I keep expecting a caseworker wanting to make an appointment for our monthly visit! I finally have closure. Its great. One thing I found strange; when the hearing was over and she was proclaimed "ours" I felt this huge wave of relief and like a teeny tiny wall that surrounded my heart had just crumpled. I had not realized this wall existed. I thought I was loving my daughter fully; completely. But I guess I had reserved the tiniest part of my love just in case. To protect my soul from the unknown of foster care adoptions. To protect myself from self destruction SHOULD something would have went wrong. Its amazing the change in my daughter since the finalization also. Maybe she is growing up a bit, or maybe her little wall crumpled also. She is so full of love and laughter. Kisses and hugs. I am so lucky to be her mom. She is honestly the BEST thing that has ever happened in my life. She makes me a better person by far.