Hey there- hi there- hum there....

Sorry for the extremely long hiatus in posting...We have been busy litle beavers over here....We are home owners again!!! That's right!!! We closed on our new house last week and have been busy overseeing the renovations "by phone". Fun Fun Fun.

I love my new house!! I am going to have a blast with all my little projects once I actually get there....Speaking of that I will be moving 1200 miles a way in less than 3 weeks and have not packed a thing!!!!!! Talk about pressure!!!!

Sarah is fabulous. Growing like a weed. Talking up a storm. She is addicted to Dora, Blues Clues and Noddy (go figure on that one!). She is 2 years 3 months and is already up to my belly button...Yep I am a short person!!! But seriously this girl is going to be TALL!!!

She loves spaghetti with meat sauce!!! So far the only veggies she will eat on occaision are corn and broccoli....I buy Pediasure and give her one like every 3 days to help make up for all the nutritional things she is lacking in...We are STILL working on the potty training. She does fairly well. She sometimes forgets to go to the potty when she is running around naked and I find a little turd here or there...Not very amusing when it happens first thing in the morning BEFORE I put my contacts in!!!

I saw her today

Sarahs biomom. Walking down a busy road. At first I had to do a double take. I had thought she was living in a totally different town. I pulled a U-turn and checked her out again... Then---something overtook me. I pulled over about a block ahead of her....and waited....

When she got closer I got out of my car. She recognized me instantly. She ran over and gave me a hug. We started talking a mile a minute. It was amazing. She told me she is doing well--says she has been sober for almost a year. Gosh I hope so....I would love to believe that for her and Sarahs sake.

We chatted and caught up for at least 30 minutes. I got her new address. I gave her one of Sarahs school pictures from my wallet--and promised to send more next week.

Overall she looked good. She seems to be trying. I had Sarahs halloween costume in my backseat still and I showed it to her. It broke my heart when she asked to smell it. She wanted to see what Sarah smelled like she said. She talked alot about God. She told me before she had Sarah god had told her that she wasn't this babys mommy. She said when she first met me--she knew I was Sarahs mommy. She seems to dealing well with the loss of adoption--as well as anyone in her situation could I guess.

I knew it was fate that I happened to run into her. She has been on my mind constantly the last few weeks. I was having issues with closure of some sort. Every night Sarah and I have a bedtime routine. She has this waterglobe on her dresser with 2 angels inside. Every night I wind it up and ask Sarah to kiss the angels goodnight. Well her bio-maternal grandma died during Hurricane Charley--a few days after Sarah was born. So she never got to meet her. So kissing the angels is a way I was hoping to incorporate the story of her late grandma. But I did not know the womans name.. It was really bothering me. I subscribed to local newspapers archives hoping to find the name of her grandma--thinking it would be listed with Charley fatalities...Nope...

Today I found out her name was Delores. But she went by "Dee-Dee".
Now the truly amazing part of this story for me--Sarah has a pink teddy bear we bought her when she was in the hospital when she was 6 months old. We called him "mr Pinky" or "Pinky". When Sarah started to talk she renamed him...."Dee-Dee"....I really believe her grandma is here and looking out for her...there have been a few other things that have happened that make me think that--but regardless I think it is a precious link to her grandma....

Cypress Lake Park Florida

Sadness

We havn't heard anything about Sarah's biological parents for a long time now. Partly because we have a semi closed adoption due to safety issues..Partly because since we are no longer foster parents we are "out of the loop".

I frequently check our local county sherrifs website to "check up" on them to see if they have been in any more trouble...I thought all was going well.

Until I found out her bio mom is living in a different county now. Lo and behold she has been busy. According to that countys' website. I feel an indescribable amount of sadness over this. I had thought for awhile now that maybe she was getting her life together, that maybe she was trying....

I was hoping. But I am/was wrong. I guess I never will understand the power of addiction has over a person---especially when you lose a child to said addiction.

I know on some level she does love Sarah. But she does not have any of her three children. I can't imagine soemthing like an addiction having such a strong hold over me that I could not or would not be able to fight for my children.

I guess all I can do is pray for her. That she cleans up and makes a life for herself so that maybe someday Sarah will at least possibly know her. I am worried that she is in a downward spiral and it will eventually lead to her demise. I don't want to have to explain that to Sarah. I shouldn't have to explain to her that her bio mom chose that lifestyle indefinately...

I don't know. What do you guys think? How would you explain to your child that their biological parent chose that lifestyle over their children?? How?

Back to the Basics

Thats what I want to do.

When I originally started this blog--my goal was to write about our then pending adoption of our foster daughter...

Well that is done and over with...We are also no longer foster parents...We decided to let our license lapse after the adoption. We decided that we were blessed to have had such an awesome experience like we did-- that the chances of having an equally wrinkle free case come to us again was nil.

Plus add into the fact we were planning on moving 1200 miles away by the end of this year--continuing to be foster parents was looking less ideal.

So that kinda leaves me at a standstill with this blog as to what to write about...I don't plan on stopping this anytime soon...or ever actually...

I'm hoping to get more on track with me and my surroundings...I want to write about everything in my life...being a mommy and a wife is just a part of who I am.....So let's see how it goes

Well it seems to be that time again...

for a new tenant!!! This week I have chosen Bozettes' blog: Pictures from my world. Feel free to click on the link on the right to view it!! I wanted to feature something a little bit different than personal diary/blogs this time....This site has some really beautiful inspiring photos. I love photography. It is a natural relaxant for me. I love to see through anothers eyes for a different perspective...So if you would like to see some photos of nature, and landmarks I highly recommend you give it a little click!!!!

I think I am going to post a few snapshots of some nature scenes I have taken...Im inspired!!!

Full Circle

When we were going through the whole foster to adopt and adoption journey--I have to say we had the best caseworker. She was fabulous. She was a fairly new caseworker--but you would never guess it...

Well anyways-on Friday she had a c-section and had a baby boy!!! I am so happy for her and her husband...I went to see them about 2 hours after the birth and her son is adorable!! It brought back so many emotions for me.

The first time I met her--was in the very same hospital..only I was there with Sarah who was a newborn. It was amazing. I know she will be an awesome mommy!!!

Things are flying by here for us. We are under contract on a house up north. Hopefully the closng will be the third week of November...I even went to the furniture store today and ordered a new livingroom set and a beautiful big girl room for Sarah!! I am soooo excited!! So keep your fingers crossed for us that everything moves smoothly!!!

Frustrations of Mommyhood

I really try not to complain. I am blessed beyond blessed; if there is such a thing. Sometimes I feel as though: Who am I to complain??

All I ever wanted was to become a mommy. It didn't happen through conventional methods--we had to adopt. Which I am in perfect harmony with now.

To me that is all the more reason I feel like I shouldn't complain about being a mommy sometimes. I fought sooooo hard to be one. I begged and pleaded with God to be one. I have cried enough tears surely to fill an ocean to be one.

But yet I feel guilty for feeling frustrated with mommyhood sometimes. It is not easy. Kids are not easy. Marriage is not easy. I am only human right???!?

Sometimes I just wish I could have 5 minutes. Of peace. Of extra sleep. Of nothing to clean up. Of no laundry to be done. Of no one to feed. Just 5 minutes.

But I remember just over 2 years ago I would have given anything to have 5 minutes of noise, chaos, pitter patter of little feet---anything that meant I was a mommy.....

Ok OK OK!!! Soooo- who got one?!?!?!?!?!

Tickle me Elmo- TMX- that is?

I havn't read too much on other blogs about this little guy...

I can just imagine the chaos that is about to happen the moment Walmart announces they have them and people try to run each other over just to get one.....

Thats why I am pleased to announce that I already have one!!!! Woo Hoo!!! I was on the ball a few months ago while at Toys R Us and noticed you could pre-order one for only $10...

I havnt opened the box to peak or anything- besides its supposedly for Sarah-not me-right??

From what I saw online it is hilarious! Its amazing really--just like a little robot!!

Now onto my horrible mommy temptation.....Sarah is only 2--maybe I should just put this one on ebay a few weeks before christmas to sell for an outrageous amount of cash??? I mean its not like she would know right??? I could always buy her one after christmas when the novelty dies down a bit--she wouldnt notice...Do ya think!?!?!?!?

Besides as of right now they are going for like $90 on ebay....not bad for an initial $35 investment..Predicted to go for about $200-300 right before christmas...HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

Costumes and such....

Ok so Halloween is fast approaching....I can't believe how this year has literally flown by....

So I was wondering what are you guys who have kids dressing them up as this year?!?!? Luckily Sarah is at an age where she has no real preference yet---so I get to indulge and pick out her costume... Probally the last year for her not wanting to pick... :-(

Her first Halloween she was a bunny, last year she was a ladybug and THIS year......drum roll please.......she shall be a CHICKEN!!! Thats right: bok-bok.

Of course if you ask her she thinks she is going to be a duck!!! Close enough I guess....

posted here are some pics of her trying on this years costume...

My new tenant.....Mamaritaville

It's been awhile since I took on a new tenant....So I thought I would start back with a bang and choose one that I could relate to and see myself bookmarking to read daily!!!

You can click on Mamaritavilles' link on the right and go directly to her website!!! Her latest post up is regarding the new controversial "drink" on the market that may or may not be spreading elsewhere in the good ole U.S of A.......Hmmmmmmmm

Other than that things are pretty much status quo..I made an offer on a house and the contract is supposed to be faxed to me tonight---I hope so because I already made an appointment for the home inspector for this Friday....Can you tell how anxious I am to get this ball rolling?!?!?!?

Then and now....

Tommorrow Sarah will be 26 months old. Believe it or not I am shocked by this little fact.

First of all; I never imagined in my wildest dreams I would actually become a mom. Years of suffering and treating infertility had pretty much erased all hope of that.

When I picked her up from the hospital--she was so tiny. Sooo tiny that I actually could not imagine her ever getting big and growing up...

I spent the day all alone with her today and it was fabulous. She talks alot (kinda---if you count all her gibberish) but she understands just about everything I say to her...we had little conversations all day long today!!!

Her newest "phrase" is "Clean up...put it away.." sounding more like "cween up poooot it ahhhhwaeeeeeeeeee"

Gosh she just makes me smile and feel all warm and fuzzy inside.
I love it when she grabs my hand pulling me and yelling " come on come on"

I love how she knows how to play hide and seek--and half the time I really struggle to find her....

I love how she gives the biggest bear hugs I have ever had---alhough nearly suffocating me!!!

I have been definately feeling the tug on my heart for another child perhaps in another year or two...I would love another little girl...or a boy...lol...The past two years with Sarah have gone incredibly fast--I don't think Im ready to be done with only one child...sigh...

Yes I know I am a slacker... lol

Thank you guys for hanging in there!!! I have been on almost daily--checking in on everyone...but I have just felt like-- I don't know what to write...I have almost a million things going on...and yet as soon as I went to type- I hit a brick wall...

Sarah is doing good. She has had back to back to back ear infections lately and has been on antibiotics for alomst 1 month straight now. Yikes. I got her an appointment with an ENT doctor in a few weeks. So I am thinking if this continues---ear tubes here we come!!!!!

Oh and I have discovered a million and one concoctions to disguise medications once she started refusing to take any more meds with the dropper!!! I don't blame her. I am personally sick of giving her the medicine.

I have also been consumed with buying another house. 1200 miles away from where I live right now. Fun, fun, fun....let me tell you!!!

I just wanted to also say a big Congrats to Cindy , Tamara and Lisa!! I am soo happy you guys are on the path to permanency!!!!!!!!!!!!! That is simply spectacular!!!!

I also want to say to MamaKBear that I am soo sorry for all you are going through with yur mother in law and I will be praying for you and your family. It is an unbearable situation you guys are all in and you are doing an amazing job!!

"MY Mommy!!!!"

Everything is going good over here...Hope you all are doing well!!! Not much new to report--everything is pretty much status quo.

Sarah was sick yesterday at school with a fever. So she was sent home and I took her to the doctor. Turns out she has a nasty ear infection. Fun times let me tell you. So today she was not allowed back at school (school policy following an ill day) and I had to be at the hospital today for work...So my awesome friend watched her for me. Thank god for you Mary!!! Mary also watches a little 2 month old boy.

Well when I went to pick Sarah up a few hours ago--I decided to hold the baby. It has been soo long since I have held a little one. I miss it!!! Well little miss Sarah did NOT like that at all!!! She cried so hard her face was beet red. She tried climbing on my lap and wanted me to "get rid" of the baby....It just broke my heart!! I can only imagine what she was thinking!! Guess she does not like sharing her mommy!

Oh well...Im all hers!!

This and That

Things are going. Going good, going ok, just going. I have been pretty busy with the startup of fall classes. I have been busy with Sarah. Just busy. I have been checking the blogs daily though. I have truly meant to comment...I have just been at a loss of what to say anymore...lol...if any of you really knew me; you would realize how odd that is..

We have been trying to work on our marriage. It is hard--I will try not to sugar coat that. Hopefully the light is at the end of the tunnel. Hopefully. After almost 7 years of marriage it is easier sometimes to just let life glide by...until you wake up one morning and think: Who is that person laying next to me?!?!?!?! I guess that is in a nutshell what has happened to us. Sarah is my world. So I have been putting him on the back burner for quite sometime now..my bad...I know I have to make more time for us--Im working on it....

Now on to happier thoughts. Sarah. My beautiful bouncing ball of energy. It is AMAZING how quickly they grow. I love her little conversations. They almost make sense to me now!! She is tall and skinny...That is one thing I thank goodness for her biological parents for!!! At her 2 year doctor appt. she weighed in at 26 1/2 pounds, 34 1/2 inches....The doctor has an interesting equation: you take your childs height at the 2 yr visit and you multiple it by 2, and you should have a ballpark (plus or minus a few inches) of their full adult height...So my little bean should be around 5'8"-5'9"....lol.....that will be interesting considering I am only 5'4" (if I round up!!!).

I hate to "bring down" this post--but I was browsing through the news and came across this article:
http://www.comcast.net/news/national/index.jsp?cat=DOMESTIC&fn=/2006/08/28/464730.html&cvqh=itn_toddler

It makes me absolutely sick. I will never understand why or how anyone could do that. I would love to be in charge of torturing these people. To make the matter worse; people like this give ALL foster parents a negative image. We all suffer the consequences when these sick bastards hurt children...Imagine the biological parents?? The state takes away your child and then something like that happens to them...I honestly hope that couple rots in hell....

She is all I really need

Things are pretty much status quo on the home front...We are trying I guess to work things out. I am not really stressing over it though..After the initial shock wore off--I got used to it being just me and Sarah. I can manage alone. It doesn't scare me anymore. Sure sometimes it gets lonely. But time passes just the same. I have taken up trying to quilt in the evenings. LOL. I bought some stuff for it today and tonight I shall give it a go!! I also wanted to share a poem I wrote tonight about Sarah. It is not really that great--but I like it. I am trying to get some sort of creative juices flowing. I would really love to get into a groove to write a childrens book on adoption--since it is a topic hardly written about on a child level...we'll see.......


My heart was once broken

My heart was once broken-
Mommy didn’t know what to do…
There was nothing to fix it
Not even glue…

Daddy tried to make Mommy smile
He tried to make Mommy laugh…
He tried to make Mommy happy…
But nothing would last…

I felt like something was missing
Something not right…
Where- oh where could it be?
I wondered, as I looked out the window
One cold winter night…

A child it was
That I was yearning for;
To hug and to kiss
Forever and ever more..

The pitter patter
Of sweet little feet;
Where the sounds
I had wished for
To come and greet me-

O’ how happy
And sweet
Was the day I met you-
It was that moment,
My dreams;
All came true….

You filled my heart
With love so great
Healing my soul;
Sealing my fate…

I look around our house-
Everywhere I see-
Dollies and stickers,
And things to play tea..

Ribbons and Bows
And little girls shoes;
My heart was once broken-
Because I didn’t have you…

In other news.....

Today Sarah had a speech evaluation done. I knew she was a bit delayed in her speech. I was not prepared for exactly how delayed they say she is.

First of all; Sarah was 8 weeks premature. She has always been behind in something. When she was 5 months old we attended physical therapy 2x a week for 6 months--related to torti colis (neck contracture) and other weakness issues...with time all of her issues resolved and she graduated.

One of the problems we knew we would encounter is "how" they grade for developmental milestones. When you have a preemie; they always adjust their age to determine how level evelopmentally they are on. Until that is--the child hit the age of 24 months. Then they do not adjust for age anymore. So basically, you can have a normal 20 month old child whose adjusted age is 18 months--and they are doing everything NORMAL for being an 18 month old technically....THEN you hit 24 months---and your child is automatically "delayed". They are considered to be able to be on par with other normal 24 month olds. And that just sucks.

So they tell me today---Sarah's language skills are estimated to be on the level of a 16 month old. ??????? Really??? I knew she was behind, but---really?????

I am so sad. I did not think she would be that far behind. I mean she talks. She uses words appropriately. But she doesnt seem to have the vocabulary a "normal" 2 year old should have.....

So onto speech therapy we are heading....it will take about 2-3 weeks to get everything arranged and approved. Then it look like 2-4 tmes a week for 30 minutes we will be in therapy...I'm just glad to get this resolved before she is school aged.... It just doesn't seem fair sometimes though......

Update

I just wanted to thank you all for your words of encouragement and support--it really means alot. He did come yesterday for a few hours to visit with Sarah and we talked. Seems like alot of what was causing the problem is our impending move north. He is having doubts about leaving his job and finding something comparable up there....Like I said this is the base of the problem...Unfortuately he is the type that lets things bother him for a long period of time and never says a thing about it--until he has reached his melting point.

There is no other woman...I knew from the beginning that was not even an issue. Some women may be skeptical--but not all situations when the husband leaves is due to infidelity.

He is staying with his sister and brother in law about 30 minutes away. When we were talking yesterday he expressed sincere regret that he left us at all. He claims he wants to work it out and come back home this week...He claims it was sheer stupidity and stubborness (sp?) that caused him to uproot as he did.

I don't know. I know I love him. I know Sarah loves him and needs him. I know he is genuinely a good man and an awesome dad.

Yesterday when he told me of his fear of leaving his job to move north; I said to him,"So is it easier for you to leave your family over your job??" I could see the reality of that statement smack him the face.

He told me today " When I am at my sisters...I look around and see all of Sarahs pictures everywhere....and I can't believe what I have done...."

He is supposed to come over tommorrow for Sarahs birthday and stay for dinner and probally the night. So I am hoping we have a better opportunity to talk.......

BAM

Just like being hit by a huge Dump truck. Just like that. No warning. No discussion. My husband left me today. Just like that--well pretty much.

My stepdaughter just returned back to her homestate this past Tuesday. The whole 6 weeks she was with us--everything was great. Or so I thought. We have always occaisionally had arguments. Nothing major. Nothing we didn't smooth over. Our conflicts were always typically over some character flaws I (and everyone else) believed he had issues with. I'm not going to get into what here---no...

But this Friday things got a little heated here...Nothing major really. Just arguing/yelling. Nothing physical. So I went to work this morning--he called me and told me to get home now.

I went home thinking something was wrong. He stated he was leaving me. He was tired of my "shit". He was tired of having to "justify" his every action/decision with me...Ummmm---is that not what marriages sometimes consist of? I mean don't married people discuss things??? Don't they make decisions TOGETHER??? Or is my perception of marriage totally warped...???

I'm by no means perfect. I know that. I can be a bitch. But I really did not see this coming. I do not think I did anything that could justify this....till death do us part right??? I guess....

So he packed ALL of his things up and left. Thank God he left while Sarah was napping. Surprisingly--I was ok with it. Until she woke up.. and asked for Daddy. Then I just lost it. How could he do this to her??? How?? Our child.

Then of course he had to come back when she was awake. To get his stupid other truck..he stayed for 15 minutes and left..She cried and cried for her daddy. She wanted to go with him...This is horrible.

He says he will come by tommorrow and see her and then he will visit every Sunday..Yeah right- I don't believe him.. Every Sunday-that is a laugh. How could you say you LOVE a child then only plan to see them once a freakin week???

I feel like I let my baby down. Now she has no father technically. I feel like it is my fault. I know once we move out of state (like planned!!) in a few months she will never see him again--I just know it. How do I explain to her that she has lost 2 daddies (bio & adoptive)??? I feel like such a failure as a wife and mother....

*~*~*My Princess*~*~*

Well on Sunday July 31st we had Sarahs' second birthday party. Her actual birthday is not until August 8th..but we wanted to celebrate it a little early before my step daughter returned to her home state.

We had such a great time. We decorated everything with Strawberry Shortcake theme...it was lovely...we even hired a Strawberry Shortcake character to entertain all the kids--and she did the build a bear workshop!!!! I LOVE build a bear now!!!

I just can't believe she is almost 2!! I am in shock. She looked like such a big girl at her party. She even opened her own presents this year...

The last 2 years with my princess have been amazing. I am a mommy. Some days I never thought I would be one. I remember all the times I pleaded with God-- "please just let me be a mommy....please just let me be pregnant...."

I got my wish. It took longer than I would have liked--but I would wait a million times over again for my little princess. I really DO thank god for unanswered prayers. I am glad I never became pregnant with a biological child--if I did--I wouldn't have Sarah....She was definately meant to be my daughter. I could not imagine my life without her.

Over the course of our whole experience fostering to adopt-- so many people would say to me how "lucky" Sarah was to have been in our family and adopted by us...I would just smile and nod my head...how clueless these people really were....for WE are the lucky ones--to have her as our daughter...

Sarah saved me. She did. My little 4 pound miracle saved me from a life of not being what I had most desired: a mother. She has taught me so much. About love; patience---she has taught me how to be silly and LIVE.
I truly would not be the person today without her.

So I would just want to say thank you Sarah. For being my daughter, and mending my heart instantly the day we brought you home from the hospital--that was the first time I had ever felt complete in my life....
I love you baby girl---with all of my heart...

Family Reactions

I wanted to post about initial family reactions to foster care...I wanted to share my own experience and here about everyone elses' ordeal when you first told your family you were interested in doing foster care to hopefully adopt...

We had been entertaining the idea of fostering for a year or two--actually it was mainly me... My husband wasn't sure he wanted to go down that road... Actually he wasn't even positive he wanted to adopt... But men are different (most--not ALL!!!)..My husband already had a child from a previous marriage. So he really didn't have that yearning to be a parent. Myself on the other hand, I was obsessed. After numerous rounds of infertility treatment that wrecked havoc on my body and soul- I was even more desperate to be a mommy. I did not care how I became a mommy-- I just wanted to be one.

Adoption was my only choice it seemed. I'm sure you all know how darn expensive domestic & international adoption is... Infertility treatments took their toll on us financially and I did not want to "save" for 4-5 years to be able to afford adoption. I wanted to be a mommy NOW!!!!
So that is what basically led us to the whole foster to adopt journey. It really was an ideal situation. It would cost us nothing; we would be parents; and a child would have an awesome home- which might not have had one otherwise.... Everyone's a winner--right???

Then it came time to break the news to the family...Afterall we did need references!! I told my mom and dad first. They were kinda supportive. I don't think they understood were all of this was coming from. We had (and still do) keep our whole infertility journey to ourselves. I didn't want anyones advice on how to get pregnant. I did not want our whole reproductive life to be gossiped about by family members... Yep thats my family--a bunch of gossip mongers..sigh..

Most of my extended family was really supportive--especially my cousins. The one person who loomed above our decision was my grandmother. Oh the questions she asked!!! Why do you want to do that??? Can't you have your own children??? You know those children are nothing but problems??? I used to know.....and her foster kids set fire to everything!!!! It would go on and on and on....
And on....
She could not fathom why we would do it. My one cousin told me about what she was saying behind my back... "Michelle & A must need the money....why else would they take in foster kids!!!!"

Now THAT was stepping over the line. First of all; my husband and I do really well for ourselves... I am her only grandchild that graduated highschool--let alone college!! I am her only grandchild who is married (before having kids)!!! I am her ONLY grandchild that BUILT our own house!! (on the beach no less WHEN I was ONLY 21!!!!)...Pretty good when you consider she has 32 grandkids!!!!!!!!

So the very idea she thought we were "doing" it for money enraged me. All we wanted was a child. That's it. I kept thinking, "who the heck could even MAKE any money being a foster parent??????". The board payments barely make up for the neccessities!! Good Lord.

So that was my general experience with my family. What was your like? How did you break the news to your family?? I have quite a few more issues to post about regarding this grandma!! Watch for those posts--it is going to be like group therapy in here!~!

Drum Roll Please.....

My new tenant: PAJAMA MAMA!!! I absolutely *adore* her blog... She has been on my blogroll for a bit now---but when I saw she made a bid on my blog---how could I refuse?!?!?! I couldn't!!!! She is both a natural mom AND an adoptive mom to 3 lucky kids!!! Her blog topics vary- keeping it fresh!!! Her current post "Calling all Angels" , really struck a cord with me...it made me reflect on my own life and different situations I have been in...wonderfully written!!!

So if you havn't checked her out by now--go ahead and click on her thumbnail in my tenant box...You won't be disappointed!!!!

A preview of our family pics...

Here is one of the pictures we had done last night at the beach..... 

Family Pics...

Well we had our family pictures taken today. We all wore white--and had them taken at the beach around sunset....Unfortunately it was overcast--so no "sunset" pictures....but none the less I think they will turn out really nice...

We have never had any family pictures taken so this will be a first. It's horrible--these are the FIRST pictures I have had taken with Sarah....I should have done a cheapo family picture at least once when she was a baby...Live and Learn I guess...

First Haircut...

Well it is about that time. Sarah's 2nd birthday is rapidly approaching...her bangs are long and scraggily...AND we are having family pictures done at the beach tommorrow...So I decided it was time for her first haircut.

Now let me just say I am NOT a professional hairstylist in any way, shape or form. But I thought I could handle a few snips across her forehead... I mean how difficult could it be? Right??? Besides---I find it ridiculous to pay someone $20 to cut so little hair...

So I gathered up all my supplies, gave Sarah her bath and decided to get clipping...She must have known what I was about to do--and she was NOT happy about it!!! I managed to get her somewhat restrained in her highchair (which she never uses anymore :-( )

Well the pic on the left is before we started....her bangs were actually longer than they lok in the pic.....then the one on the right...lol....what can I say??? I tried! She was very upset at me in that pic...her bangs are a tad bit too short...in the pic they look like they are crooked---but I assure they really are not...must have been a bad angle....it looks much better now a few days after this incident!!

************PICTURES REMOVED!!! SORRY--DIDNT WANT TO LEAVE THEM UP UNTIL I GET INSTALL A CODE TO BLOCK RIGHT CLICK COPIES!!!

I did it!!!!...I did it!!!!

My first custom banner heading!!! Woo hoo!! AND all by myself---except for wldjoker and his help on HOW to do it!!lol....it really didn't take me too long once i figured out how to work some of the programs i already had!!! The pictures of the footprints on the header are actually Sarahs footprints taken at birth...How cool is that??? I figured it would be appropriate....

Yea me!!!! I love it!!!

Good post for discussion...

over at my new tenants blog....Adventures in Parenting..regarding the big dig tunnel death....just click on her blog link on the right there and it will zip you right over!!

I also wanted to say a BIG Thank you to wyldjoker over at Dads HighWAY for his valiant effort at helping me understand HTML code for a new banner I hope to have finished soemtime before Christmas!!!

Adoption Poem

Once upon a time I held a child,
whose eyes did not match mine.
Its hair a different color,
its smile was just divine.
This child was not born
from my womb,
but given by another,
For me to love and give a home,
to one day call me Mother.
No greater gift will I receive
or cherish more than this.
Thank you Lord with all my heart
for granting me my wish.
(Author: Linda Paige-Tolis)



This poem will DEFINATELY make its way into Sarahs scrapbook....

Blog Explosion & my new Tenant...

Well I decided to take a cue from Pajama Mama and check out Blog Explosion...It is a site to earn "traffic" to your blog...it is easy enough to use and free...you earn "credits" by viewing other blogs and by "renting" a spot on your blog for a Tenant....

So I am happy to announce my very first tenant is Valerie from Adventures in Parenting!!!! Motherhood...Marriage...and Mayhem..oh my!!! Her blog chronicles everyday life being a wife and mom--trying for baby #2!!! Please be sure to check her out!! The pictures of her son are absolutely adorable!!! Im just a sucker for cute little children!!

I also wanted to Thank everyone for their responses to the survey below...Especially Sunshine Girl...It was great to get the perspective from a former foster child herself...In this whole process that is the one thing I find lacking...Testimony from an ACTUAL foster child...she was the FIRST adult I have been able to connect to who has first hand knowledge by being one herself!! Thanks again!!!


***** I would ALSO like to thank Swaparama Mama... I got the slushie pin yesterday---and it is fabulous!!! Thank you so much!! I have it pinned to my bag already!!

Survey

I am feeling alot better now. I apologize for the frantic...errr...angry overtone of the last post. But this is where I come to vent to get it out of my system. Let me start off by saying I know not all people I encounter will be so clueless as to adoption etiquette...it just REALLY struck a nerve with me that day...

So I wanted to post a little survey to find out how any of you would broach certain subjects to the children you have adopted or to any person you decide to tell of your childs adoption....

1. When will you tell your child they are adopted? We plan on Sarah always knowing she is adopted...starting probally in the next year as she starts to ask questions about babies...on an age appropriate level of course...Somewhere along the lines of..."you grew in mommys heart not in my belly.."

2. How do you plan on explaining the whole foster care adoption thing??? Im still not totally sure of this one yet...probally little bits age appropriate...

3. Do you plan on letting your child have any contact with bio parents if adopted via fostercare??? Right now we do not. Due to certain factors we do not believe it would be safe for Sarah any time soon. We also want it to be HER choice whether she would like any contact when she is old enough providing there are no safety concerns....

I find myself in such a grey area with this whole adoption thing. Foster to adopt is alot different than regular domestic adoption in my opinion. The end result may be the same--- but the journey is completely unparallel....

Annoyed....

Well Sarah had an appointment today for a followup for her hearing...Her hearing is TOTALLY normal...But we had to get it checked since she is also going for a speech eval next month...Well she had been seen before in this practice---BEFORE the adoption was final. So they had her listed by her old last name. To change it to her new name--they said I had to bring a copy of the adoption decree and they would change it. No problem. Thats easy enough. So i brought it..gave it to the receptionist---who---was INCREDIBLY---dense, stupid, and I wanted to bang her head against the wall when I was finished!! LOL. So I handed her the adoption decree filled out all NEW paperwork to reflect the name change and our new address...Then the receptionist, asked me,"Well do you want to put her mom for an emergency contact?"

WTF?!?!!?!?
I said " I AM her mom....and you already have my info...."
Her, "Well what about her real mom....what if she has to bring her to an appointment.."
By now I am PISSED!!
"I am her real mom. Did you NOT read the adoption decree???? Why would her biological mother take her anywhere?? I bring MY daughter wherever SHE has to go...BECAUSE I AM HER MOTHER!!!!"

"well yea but i still need her moms info..." smirking while she said this.
By that time out came the supervisor, and turns out the receptionist was just being a bitch because the ONLY information she needed was mine...Bad experience with adoption maybe?? Not my problem. Don't try to undermine my role in my daughters life.

Errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr........Some people are sooo STUPID. Sarah is my daughter period. I do not care if she came out of my vagina or not. There should be mandatory sensitivity training for stupid people who have no idea how to be politically correct. Sorry for the angry rant...but it is people like this that i absolutely dread...I worry that Sarah will be confronted by those type of people when she is older---I worry that she will be made to feel that I am not her "real" mom, I worry about how she will handle those questions.

I am the one to stay up all night with her when she is sick....
I am the one who takes care of her on a daily basis....
I am the one who manages all of her medical needs...
I am the one to teach her right from wrong....
I am the one who wipes away her tears when she cries....
I am the one who kisses all of her boo boo's
I AM her mother!!!!

Prayers...

Please say an extra prayer today for the family of Shelby Gagne who won her fight with cancer yesterday... She is now dancing with the angels; pain and cancerfree...please keep her family in your thoughts they have traveled a rough road
www.caringbridge.com/visit/shelbygagne

god bless...

The first meeting...

I realized I have not blogged in a long time about our actual foster to adopt experience with Sarah. The last actual post was back in february when I was getting up to the point in posting about her first visit with biodad. So...let me get back on track...

We met at a McDonalds. I picked it. I figured since he was bringing his son, Little Boy R (Sarhas' full brother) then at least he could be distracted with the playground area. Neutral territory. Biodad also ended up bringing his stepmom (BPSM) with him. Sarah was about 4 weeks old. And tiny. SOOOO tiny. I arrived about 15 minutes early. I wanted to be the first. I think I would have been too self conscious with them watching me arrive after them. I also want to mention that DCS had given me the option of meeting them by myself, since biodad was NOT the offending parent; they truly had no concerns about him.

Sarah had her apnea monitor by then. Seems she did not like to breathe on her own sometimes. So in they came. Man it was awkward. They came in and sat down. We introduced ourselves. Noone spoke for about 5 minutes; we all just stared at baby Sarah. Then biodad started asking me questions about her. About her health, how she ate, what she ate, everything. He really was concerned. His stepmom jumped in occaisionally asking for clarification on the medical issues. So Sarah started to get hungry and I asked the biodad if he wanted to feed her. He did. So I got them all set up, as soon as he picked her up, I remember the first thing he said was "I cant believe how small and light she is."

Within 5 minutes his son he brought with him was itching to go out in the playroom. So he took him and I got to spend some time with the BPSM. She was a really nice lady. Very composed. She held Sarah for a little while and told me all kinds of stories about the bioparents. She told me she did not think the biodad should or would be able to take care of the baby. Sooo....after that was said. I took a DEEP breath and told her "Well...my husband and I would love to errr...adopt Sarah....if...ahhh....there was ever a possibility..." I figured what did I have to lose??? At least I got it out in the open. The BPSM was not negative about my comment. She agreed that would probally be the best option...she also I later found out had told the biodad what I said after we left..

The visit drew to a close after almost 2 hours. They walked me out to my car. The biodad gave me 3 CASES of the expensive DHA infant formula...that he....ahhh....lets say "aquired". All individual sealed glass bottles...like what hospitals use ((wink))...but oh well...it was a nice gesture. And we definately appreciated it since we were slammed with 3 hurricanes that summer and did not have electricity for a bit.

And that was the next to last time he saw her. The last time was right before he signed the TPR when Sarah was 4 months old. I still think of this day everytime I drivepast this Mcdonalds...which is only 5 miles from where I now live. I should take a picture of it for her scrapbook...

Gearing up for the Holiday Weekend...

I totally forgot this weekend was fourth of July. Until--yesterday!! Errr. I have sooo much to do!! We made reservations to rent an RV and go camping. So atleast everything was technically PLANNED- but I still have to run around and get everything I need. Everyone is doing really good. Sarah is growing and growing. Her appetite has really picked up!! We had a speech therapy appointment set up for her tommorrow- but I rescheduled it for August. Her vocabulary seems to be approving so I have decided to wait a bit to see if she improves on her own. She will be 2 in August but technically she is 2 months behind in everything due to her prematurity...So we'll see..My stepdaughter has been with us now for a week. She is from Washington State. We have her every summer for 6 weeks and every Christmas vacation. So far so good. She will be 13 in September (yikes!!!). Last summer we had some jealousy problems. Which I knew was coming. But so far she is doing really well with Sarah. It is easier since Sarah is more mobile and more fun to play with now. Sarah absolutely **adores** her big sister. I am so glad she gets to spend time with her. 5 more weeks to go--hopefully it will stay wrinkle free!!! This is our last summer in Florida so we are going to try to get aruond and do somethigns we have not yet done in all of our years down here. My husband and I have been to disney a million and five times--but have yet to take Sarah. I think we are going to save that for Christmas time though-when it is cooler and she is a bit older!! I can't wait to take her to Magic Kingdom and dress her up like Cinderella!! What a dream come true for me!! For a long time I never thought I would have a child TO do stuff like that with...God is amazing!! I have been thinking alot lately about unanswered prayers...and how things work out...but I think I will save that for the next post!!

A picture is worth a thousand words...

Christmas past...

I sat on the floor with Sarah sunday night reading her a book. We were in her room. She has this one stuffed rockinghorse that winds up and play a lullaby. It was given to her for her first Christmas in 2004 by her biological paternal step grandmother (BPSG). Man that is a mouthful!! So she sat on my lap and I told her who it was from and we listen to it play its music. It was a very bittersweet moment. I told her that I would save it for her always and explain who it was from again when she was older. Obviously I know she did not understand a word I told her tonight.
I remember that first Christmas very well. Her biological paternal grandparents were very nice people. Normal people. Well to do even. But they didn't want her. They instead stepped aside and let us adopt her. For that I am eternally grateful. So that year BPSG; asked if we would allow them to come to our house before Christmas day so they could give Sarah her present. I didn't mind. They promised they would not tell the biological parents where we lived; that was my ONLY stipulation.
So they came by. We talked. I showed them Sarahs room. (Before we remodeled and turned it into the ultimate disney princess haven). They watched me change her diaper. Then we went into the dining room to chat. Sarah started to fuss and I had BPSG feed her a bottle. Then I brought out Sarah's scrapbook I had just started. It didn't have more than 6 pages in it but they drooled over every page.
Then they had me open Sarahs presents. The rockinghorse and an outfit. I was happy I would have something at least to save for her from them. She wore the outfit several days later and I took pictures of her in it. The BPSG asked the bio pat. grandpa(BPG) if he wanted to hold Sarah at all. He wouldn't. I understood. It was all too much for him. How hard it must have been to come into my house at all to begin with. The BPSG kept saying how maybe they could visit with us once a year or so to see Sarah every now and again. I honestly didn;t have a problem with it. I wanted to be able to give Sarah roots. BPG refused though. He told her that: "Sarah had a new family now and she was safe and would be happy and he didn't want any of them to mess with that."
After staying for about an hour; they left. I have never heard from them again. I tried sending pics in emails of Sarah to them. But I never got a reply. So I eventually stopped. How sad in one instant she lost that part of her biofamily. The normal part. How do I explain that to her?


******On a rather tacky note:: The BPSG left the price tag on the rockinghorse. I couldn't
believe it! It is one of my BIGGEST pet peeves by the way. And I know, I know it is the thought that counts. Believe me I get it. But if you were to give your only granddaughter whom was being given up for adoption ONE gift would you get it from a pawn shop and leave the tag for $3.99 on it???? Come on. It is cute; maybe it is just me; but I would probally buy something really fancy and expensive with all kinds of little clues in it should the child ever want to find me!!! LOL.....

Thoughts & Prayers Request

I wanted to post this website for a little girl named Shelby who is going through a very rough patch from Cancer...Please if you have a moment visit her site and leave her family your thoughts and prayers...it would mean so much to them....

http://www.caringbridge.com/cb/inputSiteName.do?method=search&siteName=shelbygagne

Big Girl

So I have started planning Sarahs' second (!!!) birthday party..Her birthday is not until August 8th but we are having her party in the end of July. I am one of those people who have to have everything somewhat planned WAAAAAAAAYYY ahead of schedule. Otherwise it just nags at me. So we are doing Strawberry shortcake theme. I bought a chocolate fountain for dipping strawberries and pretzels...yummy. I can't believe my baby is almost two. Where has the time gone??? It seems like just yesterday we brought her home from the hospital. Amazing. I oftenthink of her birthparents and wonder if they think about her at all...I'm sure they do--but I wonder how much. I can't imagine missing a second of her life and yet they have missed all of it so far. I know her birthmother is not doing any better and has had recent encounters with the law (to say it nicely). Sarah has such a personality. She loves to "cook" and play mommy to her babies. I'm so glad she is growing up happy and healthy--time goes by sooo fast.

Laserific!!!

Well today was the day I started my laser hair removal treatments!!! My Appointmet was at 12:30pm and I was out of that office by 12:50 pm...talk about quick!!! It was a bit painful-I'm not going to lie about that!! I think the worst of it was when they were zapping right underneath my chin area. Ewww was THAT sensitive!!! But other than that it was highly tolerable. When she announced she was done, I was like SERIOUSLY???? I just paid a fortune for a 15 minute session...WOW!!! But hey I get up to 9 treatments ( they say about 3 normally does it) and a lifetime guarentee!!! PLUS free touchups!!! So I guess it is worth it. Heck I KNOW it is worth it...I feel so much more confident already!!! I am already trying to figure out a way to get my legs done!!! Wouldn't that be sweet??? Not shaving legs anymore?!?!?!? HMMMMM...I think I am addicted!!!

Here comes Hurricane Alberto!!!

What a way to start off hurricane season with a bang!!! Forget tropical storms--our first storm of the season is a full fledged hurricane!! And the weatherman said tis was not gonna be anything major!! Ha. Shows ya that God has other things in mind.....

Just Checking in...

Not alot going on...just getting ready for our first storm (Tropical Storm Alberto) to hit us tommorrow sometime. Not overly concerned about it--we "should" just get alot of rain. I am now glad we are on the second floor though...I'm glad this will be my LAST hurricane season spent in Florida. I will gladly trade this for shoveling snow. My family up north thinks I'm nuts but they have never stood in their living room watching their windows bend inward to form a sharp V-shape, never stood outside at night right after the big one hit and see absolutely nothing--no light, no sound--nothing. This year marks the Second anniversary of our area being hit directly by Hurricane Charley. There are still thousands of damaged, destroyed homes and businesses. Blue tarp roofs are still visible. And yet this season is supposed to worse than anything we have ever seen. Sorry for the rambles. Nature just boggles my mind. There have actually been alot of things boggling my mind lately. I read quite a few web sites about children who are sick. Really sick. Terminal. My heart aches for their families. I absolutely could not imagine being in that situation. My heart is almost unable to continue working in Pediatrics as a nurse. Watching children die in the arms of their mother is becoming almost unbearable for me. Seeing the pain and anguish in parents' eyes is keeping me from sleeping lately..Sigh... I wish I knew Why? Why are precious children forced to endure horriffic illness' and face an untimely end...It just makes no sense to me. I wish there was more I could do. One of the charities I support is opening several thrift stores in North Carolina to help them support the families who deal with their childrens life threatening illness'. If anyone has any old (but good condition) childrens clothes; I implore you to box it up and send it to them, so they may try to help more families. The cost of postage is small compared with helping a fmaily afford life saving medication not covered by insurance so their child may have a shot at living... http://www3.caringbridge.org/nc/folden/
Sorry for a sad post; but if nothing else remember to give your kids a hug, and thank GOD they are happy, healthy and with you today...tommorrow is not guarenteed for anyone...

Well Well Well

I am here. I have been faithfully lurking and catching up on everybody. I really have no good excuse for not updating for so long. I have decided this summer is the summer of "Me". I am *trying* to get into shape and do little things for myself to make me happier. Including laying out tanning at the pool. All while Sarah is in school. I know I am horrible. (Evil Grin). I mean it is not like she hates school or anything. She loves it and it is her only opportunity to play with other kids her age. And besides she is only there for like 4-5 hours a day. Ok I am done defending myself!!! I am also having laser hair removal done (face: ewwww)!!! yea!! Finally; PCOS will not mark me!!! It is expensive but I need the boost for my self confidence. I deserve it. My 1st Treatment is this Wednesday!!!! I even had my hair done today!!! WooHoo!!! Well I will post a long update in a bit (promise!) I am about to fall asleep!!!

Not Nice!!

Well it seems my little bug is picking up words left and right. About a week ago Sarah was starting to act up and acting like a little kamikaze stuntwoman. So I asked her,"Do you want a time-out?" I really hadn't expected an answer- I never before brought up "time-out" to her. I havn't needed to. She is basically well behaved. So imagine my surprise when Sarah says, "Noooooo. No. No." I thought it was a fluke. Surely she didn't understand what I was saying, right?? Well when i took her to school the next day I was chatting with her teacher. It seems, Sarah had quite a few run ins with the phrase "time-out". So since then it has been my phrase to give her a reality check and calm her down when she starts to get a little hyped up. So this weekend, my husband and I had Sarah in our van with us driving to the store. She ended up throwing a shoe or some other projectile object at me, I can't quite remember. So I turned around and said, "NOT NICE!!" Guess what she said right back to me??? Yep. NOT NICE. Funny little bug she is. Well yesterday I was loading our dishwasher, and she kept trying to get into where the knives were and grab one. BIG no-no. SO after like 50 times of correcting her I asked her if she wanted to go to time out. No no no, was the answer I got. Of course. Well then after she hit number 51 of trying to grab a knife, I put her into a real time out. She started crying the "silent" cry, with her mouth wide open no sound emerging. All of a sudden she stopped and looked at me and started shaking her little index finger at me and said, "NOT NICE". Oh man, did I just want to run and laugh. It was soo hard to keep a straight face. But i prevailed. This time.

IM HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well what an experience this has been...We are safe and sound in our new apartment. Whew! Im about 98% unpacked. I love it!! it is bigger than the house we just sold!!!! It has taken forever to get our phone/cable/internet set up via Comcast. What a pain in the ass that has been. 2 no show appointments and I finally can blog again!!! Oh man, cable internet is awesome..We had been living in the dark ages of dial-up. What a difference. Sarah is doing wonderful. She had a few rough nights when we first moved in. I have soo many funny storiesto update later once i get my pc all set up again..IT IS SOOO GOOD TO BE BACK!!! I cant wait to read everyones blog and catch up with them~!!!

T minus 6 days---

until we move!!!! We are getting the moving van this weekend so we can have it slowly packed by Monday..I even was able to convince my husband to let me hire 2 guys to help move the heavy stuff!!! Yea!!!
On a more serious note-we have hit the most horrible of developmental milestones full force. Temper Tantrums. I thought she was having them before--but man, what she does now is just awful. It scares me--she seriously tries to hurt herself. She throws herself on our (tile!!) floors and tries to bang her head, and slam her feet; she pinches & bites herself, AND pulls her own hair!! Not to mention the SCREAMING!!! I feel so bad-- I don't know what to do. When she gets like that I put her in her crib until she calms down (at least she is safe there)...other than that- I am lost. I feel like such a bad mommy some times. My husband is more of the type to let her do whatever so long as she does not scream and throw a fit. However; I cant do that. I stand my ground--then I pay for it!! I figure I would rather go threw it now than when she is a hormonal teenager. If anyone has any suggestions---PLEASE give them to me!!!

Me Fine Foundation

i wanted to post the actual link to the Me Fine Organization homepage... the link from the post below is her journal about her son with some info on the organization but the following link is the main site:

http://www.mefinefoundation.org/

Thankful...

Things are sorting themselves out on the homefront here...Our move adte is rapidly approaching--and I have YET to pack. I think I am in denial still..Oh well I guess I function better under pressure anyways..
We got a new minivan on Friday--Yes I said MINIVAN! Holy cow, I never thought of myself driving one of those...But I absolutely LOVE it!! Toyota Sienna rocks!! We are having the dvd player installed this Wednesday so our darling Sarah will be completely entertained on our drives to Walmart!!!
I follow alot of blogs that are caringbridge sites. Those are sites for parents who have critically ill children so they may keep their friends/families updated. It tugs at my heart everytime Iread them. But they keep me grounded. They let me truly appreciate what I have and overlook the spaghetti being thrown at my walls on a constant basis. I have decided at least once a week I want to post a link to one of those sites; so we all may be reminded that tommorrow is NOT a guarantee--and how quickly our lives could change. The first one I am posting is a site of a mom who lost her son to cancer. She took her pain and started a nonprofit organization to help OTHER families with terminal/critical children. Me Fine organization is a charity that I wholly believe in...In fact I am starting a box to send to them right now--they need constant donations of everything. From toilet paper to bleach to walmart cards to phone cards--with 100% of everything going to families who need them. Check it out. Click on journal history to read everything she has posted including the journey of ehr son Folden Lee II...
http://www3.caringbridge.org/nc/folden/

Wow...

two posts in one day!!! I am on a roll again!!!

Here are Sarahs Easter pics taken last month at 19 months...

Im still here... :-)

This past week has been a whirlwind of doctors & testing..So far all tests are coming back normal!! Thank god!! The only thing that comes close to explaining what is going on with me is Reflux. Yep. Nothing like acid corroding your throat so bad it swells shut. I had an appointment with my ENT (ear, nose &throat doc) and he put the camera down my throat and nose. *GAG*. I told him he is lucky I cant eat or his shoes would have been decorated with my lunch that day!! So now I am on nexxium. It seems to be working so far!! On that note; I would like to say THANK GOD I HAVE INSURANCE!!! That little purple pill was almost $300 for a month supply!! So I am hoping by the end of next week I will be able to eat like a normal person without choking everytime I *try* to swallow. It seriously took me over an HOUR to eat a tiny 3 inch quesedilla (sp?) the other night.. Sarah is doing good. She continues to amaze me everyday. I do not know what I would do without her. She has been absolutely obsessed with potty training lately...she is 20 months old (18months corrected age) so I was hoping to wait until she was closer to 2 years old before we started this...It is ridiculous. Her school WILL NOT do anything with potty training until she is in the 2 year old room. So I was trying to save her from the confusion; but I dont think that is gonna happen!! Her vocabulary is getting better everyday. Last night I let her lay in bed with me for a little bit (bad I know!!!) but I could nt help it--she is so darn cuddily lately. SHe kept putting her little arm over me and saying "oh Mummy". It just melts my heart!!!

As promised---

Well things sure have hectic on my homefront lately. Our closing date for our house is about a month away--but it seems I have accumulated alot more "stuff" than I previously thought I had. So we have been sorting, shuffling and packing items away that we dont use on a daily basis. My garbage men must hate me. Each week our pile is bigger than the last. It is only a matter of time before they strike on us--I am sure of it!!
Work has been--well--work...I normally really enjoy my job; but this week was a little much for me. One of my patients almost died with me there. As sad as it is--I have seen plenty of people die--I am a nurse. But I made a switch to Pediatrics a bit ago--and this was my first experience with a 3 year old almost dying. Whew--it was hard. Very hard. The mommy in me made me freeze for a moment--which is not good. Thankfully the nurse in me kicked right in and took care of the situation. My heart ached for the mother. Her child is terminally ill to begin with but I dont think you are EVER prepared to let your child go. I had tears in my eyes when it was done--I almost had to walk out of the room afterward. I managed to get control of my emotions though. I can honestly say; the day I dont have tears in my eyes for a child who almost or does die, is the day I quit.
Sarah is growing leaps and bounds. Everyday there is a new word it seems. She is still a little bit behind; but not much. She is such a good girl. This time change has definately got her confused. It seems she believes if it is daylight then it is not time for bed. Oh well!!!
I have an MRI scheduled for tommorrow. It seems my body is officially falling apart. For the past 5 days I have had a wierd tightness in my throat. Making it difficult to swallow, I have a hard time eating and drinking anything. I pray it is nothing serious. And of course the feeling like I am being strangled does nothing for my panic attacks I have been having since I almost died of a medication reaction on March 1st....Please keep me in your prayers!!!
Well I guess that about does it for now--talk to you guys soon!!!

Tommorrow...

I promise I will post an update!!! I have been super busy with selling our house, work, and with Sarah of course--After the beginning of May my schedule will be alot more open...I have been having some health issues also-but I will get to that tommorrow evening...Take care!!

Adoption Books

I found myself at Barns & Noble yesterday. I was trying to find a book about Fostering to Adopt. There were none. So I went over to the childrens section and the only book about adoption they had was "Tell me again" by Jamie Lee Curtis. Which of course does not pertain to foster to adopt. I was so disappointed. Surely; I thought someone had broached this subject. But I guess not. So I am now vaguely entertaning the thought of writing a childrens book about being adopted through foster care. Sounds like a project for this summer. I used to love to write and I was pretty good at it once upon a time. So we'll see......
Other than that things have been pretty much status quo. Our closing on our house is May 9th. We have been making taking trips to the storage unit trying to get ready. It will be tight. We have to be moved out on the 8th which is the earliest day we can get into our new apartment!! Talk about a crunch. But I dont want to think about that now!!
Baby S is getting big--almost 20 months old. And boy--we have started the temper tantrums!! Sheesh! I was hoping for another 4 months of truce but I guess she has other plans!!
So I have decided to stop calling her Baby S. She is my daughter finally. I feel comfortable enough using her real first name. Sarah. My princess.

I just love freebies--dont you??? A friend of mine sent me an email with links to all kinds of FREE things for parents & expectant parents!! I love the charmin potty training kit--too cool. http://www.charmin.com/en_us/pages/offers_pttraining.shtml

here is the link for the full page of freebies:
http://www.justfreestuff.com/babies.html


if any one else has any good link for free things let me know!!! You'd be amazed at some of the things I can get for free....diapers...wipes....motrin....all kinds of goodies!!!

Guess What?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?

We had an offer on our house yesterday!!! Today we accepted!! Yea us!!! Im soo excited. Our house was only on the market for 9 days. So lets all just keep our fingers crossed that nothing comes up that would sour the deal!!! It is such perfect timing! Our closing is the day after we move out of the house!! We are going to rent a huge apartment our last year in Florida--the maintenance free lifestyle...Then at least we won't have to worry about a house for this years' hurricane season--which is quickly approaching!!!
Speaking of hurricane season--I am not looking forward to it at all (not like I ever did anyways). But ever since we were hit with Charley I have panic attacks when one gets close. Panic attacks + toddler= useless mommy syndrome
I don't know what is wrong with me. Ever since I had my *near* death experience over antibiotics on March 1st; I have a damn attack every time I swallow a pill. Doesn't matter what pill it is--even if i have taken those particular kind like a million times before. I have a doctors appointment tommmorrow. I dont want anxiety meds;I just want to be allergy tested for every single substance on earth---thats not too much to ask is it???? Hopefully the doctor doesn't think so...

Errrrrrrrrrrr......

I am frustrated!!! I need to seriously vent--so I will apologize in advance. My SIL. Wow. What a piece of work. She is one of those people who "know" everything. Even though she is 24 years old. Ok, now granted I am only like 5 years older than her; but OMG!!!! She drives me insane.
She believes she is the best mother in the world. That she has raised a prodigy. Ok reality check. Her son is satans' spawn. Seriously. Mean, rude, he cusses, he hits, he is stingy, and bad bad bad!!!!!! Yeah I know he is technically my nephew; but I hate to say it: I do not like him. It is not really his fault. It is the way his mother raised him. She, of course, blames everything (one) but herself. Uhh--HELLO!!! If you scream and cuss at your children and call them a "jerk"; "bastard" and such; chances are he will be saying the same things!!! But what would I know right??? According to her; her son is older than my daughter so obviously she KNOWS more about parenting than me!!!!
I don't even like my daughter around them at all. My SIL is one of those jealous types. If she gets or has something no one else does; then that is all you hear about. But for instance, when I try to talk to her about us selling our house and building a new one; she cuts me off & makes an excuse to get off of the phone. She is a renter who will never in her natural life have a house because they chose to spend spend spend. She is just so darn competitive it makes me sick. Over petty shit no less. She is even jealous that my husband and I have a little girl. Yes. Thats what I said. She is jealous I have a daughter and she has a son. She always wanted a little girl; after we brought Baby S home; SIL would not answer her phone for like 6 months!!! I cant wait to move far far far away from these people....................

Hilarious...Ahh the 80's

You know you grew up in the 80's if......

1. You've ever ended a sentence with the word "SIKE."
2. You can sing the rap to the "Fresh Prince of Bel Air" and can do the "Carlton."
3. Girls wore biker shorts under their skirts and felt stylishly sexy.
4. Two words: Hammer Pants.
5. You wore a ponytail on the side of your head.
6. You made your mom buy one of those clips that would hold your shirt in a knot on the side.
7. You wore stone washed Jordache jean jackets and were proud of it.
8. L.A.Gear....need I say more?
9. You remember reading "Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing" and all the Ramona Quimby books.
10. You know the profound meaning of "WAX ON, WAX OFF." (Restin peace...)
11. You ever wore fluorescent clothing. (Some of us...head-to-toe, not to mention matching!!)
12. You can remember what Michael Jackson looked like before his nose fell off and his cheeks lifted.
13. You still get the urge to say "NOT" after every sentence.
14. You ever owned a pair of Jelly-Shoes (and probably in neon colors, too. Can you say STINKY FEET!!).
15. After you saw "Pee-Wee's Big Adventure" you kept saying "I know you are, but what am I?
16. You remember "I've fallen and I can't get up."
17. You remember going to the skating rink before there were inline skates.
18. You ever got seriously injured on a Slip and Slide.
19. You have played with a Skip-It.
20. You had or attended a birthday party at McDonalds.
21. You've gone through this nodding your head in agreement.
22. "Don't worry, be happy."
23. You wore, like, EIGHT pairs of socks over tights with high top Reeboks.
24. You wore socks scrunched down and sometimes still do.
25. You remember boom boxes.
26. You remember Alf, the li'l furry brown alien from Melmac.
27. You remember New Kids on the Block when they were cool.
28. You know all the words to Bon Jovi's "SHOT THROUGH THE HEART."
29. You just sang those words to yourself.
30. You remember watching Magic vs. Bird. Oh yeah............it will never be that good again.
31. Homemade Levi shorts... (The shorter the better.)
32. You remember when mullets were cool!
33. You had a mullet!
34. You still sing "We are the World."
35. You tight rolled your jeans.
36. You owned a banana clip.
37. You remember "Where's the Beef?
38. You used to (and probably still do) say "What you talkin' 'bout Willis?"
39. You had big hair and you knew how to use it.

You're still singing "Shot through the Heart" in your head, aren't you!!!?

Homecoming Part 3: First visit with Biodad

So we had our first meeting at McDonalds. Biodad brought Little Boy R and his stepmother with him. It was the first time he had seen Baby S since she was born and she was about 4 weeks old. She already had her apnea monitor by then. We sat and talked for awhile. Baby S started to get hungry and I asked the biodad if he would like to feed her. He was nervous holding her since she was so tiny but he did feed her for a bit until Little Boy R started to get jealous and wanted to go outside and play. So the stepmom took over the feeding. The stepmom was very nice and understanding. She told me all kinds of things. Basically her and her husband did not believe the biodad would be able to care for the baby. I took that moment to mention that my husband and I would of course be interested in adopting Baby S if that was ever an option. I figured I had nothing to lose by mentioning it; and everything to gain.
She told me that they were unable to take Baby S also. Its not that they were not able to; but that it was a lifestyle choice for them. Our visit lasted about an hour. Biodad thanked me for taking good care of the baby and he said he was glad that we had her. It was the next to last time he saw her before they signed the TPR 3 months later.

Stages

It seems Baby S has hit a new *stage*!!! One I like to call the "jumping bean" stage. Consisting of her pretty much jumping on the most unsafe & unsturdy object on the ground and giving Mommy a panic attack--Only moments later to wobble and jump to the hard tile floor using her Kamikaze style moves. Man I hope this passes quick.
Yesterday Baby S had a pulmonology appointment; where she was *officially* diagnosed as an asthmatic. Inhalers and Nebulizers oh my!!! She was *such* a big girl at the doctors office. She sat in her own seat in the waiting room and behaved VERY well for being 19 months old. So we get home and I was trying to explain all the meds and treatments to my husband--bless his heart..He says "this ahh seems like a medical condition..." Well--DUH!!! He means well, but he is not medically inclined in the least. Baby S did very well so far with her inhaler; we have to give it to her twice a day.
Our house was *officially* on the market as of yesterday also. The sign is in our front yard!! Please pray for us that it sells quickly!!! I think it will do good; great house and very reasonably priced for our neighborhood..I am soooo glad we built it when we did.
It still feels wierd to be done with DCF regarding Baby S. It is like I keep expecting to hear from them to set up a visit to come to see her. I feel alot better about the placement we turned down. I mean I know it is our right to say yes or no; but I still felt bad about it. I felt like I was letting the little girl down..I WISH I could take them all. I really do. If I could; I would have a big ranch overflowing with children....I'm sure one day in the future we will adopt another one. I'm just not sure the route we will take.

Placement Call

DCF called me today about a placement. A 2 year old little girl who was taken AGAIN from her parents. I just could not do it. As much as I hate to say it; I'm done. Life is too hectic right now. I just can't take another child with no notice and no daycare set up. Sounds horrible right?? I feel like crap! We were blessed to adopt our daughter. We eventually DO want to adopt again in the next few years; but I think we will go the International route or maybe a very open private adoption. I have to put Baby S' needs first. I want to spoil her and love her to no end. And right now; I don't want to divide my attention with another child. I mean if they were to call us tommorrow for a newborn who was defeinately going for adoption...would I do it??? Maybe, but I really don't know. It is very important to us that Baby S be the oldest of our children. I feel really really bad. Like I am letting them down. I know we have to do what is right for our own family; but I just cant shake the crummy feeling. I know we would give ANY child a safe, happy place but I am not ready to get back on the rollercoaster just yet...I didn't even tell my husband about the placement call. Shame on me. I just know I cant handle it right now.

Letter to Biomom....

Well last week I sent Baby S' biomom a letter and a picture from her 1st birthday series. I havn't had alot of contact with any of the biofamily in a long time due to safety reasons. Biomom just got out of jail about two months ago also. So when our adoption finalization day came; our caseworker handed us an envelope with biomoms info in it in case we wanted it. Turns out the biomom had called her a few days prior to give her the info in case we decided to send pictures.
How to handle this adoption being open has been a deep conversation topic for us for awhile now. We have NO problem with an open adoption if this was a NORMAL adoption to begin with. But it is not. The bioparents were not planning to place Baby S for adoption at birth. The State intervened. There are a ton of issues floating around that make us hesitant to have this even a little bit of an open adoption. Drugs, crimes, mental illness. Dont get me wrong Im not being negative to anyonea mental illness. BUT. When the biomom refuses to take her meds and goes off on rampages I get concerned.
So we came to the understanding that Baby S of course will ALWAYS know she is adopted. As her age progresses she will know HOW she came to be adopted in the first place. I think she has a right to know the whole truth; on an age appropriate level of course. We decided that it will be HER decision if and when she ever wants to meet her bioparents. That includes her biosiblings. Our caseworker tried long and hard to get us to consider letting Baby S "know" her siblings as she grows up. If we do that I feel as though WE are making that decision for her, and I dont want to do that. It has to be her decision. Its not like she GREW up with her siblings and knew them before she came to us anyways. And besides that there is absolutely no way for her to be completely involved with her siblings and not be subjected to her bioparents; as Little Boy R lives with the biodad.
I know not everyone will agree with us, but we really have tried to make the best & safest decision for Baby S.
So on to the letter to her biomom. I wrote a very nice card; updated her a bit on Baby S. Told her Baby S has her eyes and nose. And I pleaded with her to find peace, happiness and healing for her soul. I cannot imagine trying to explain to Baby S that her biomom chose a life of drugs over her....

Ok...

So I almost died yesterday. Seriously. No Exaggerating here. My doctor prescribed an antiobiotic called Keflex for me to take. I had never taken this medication before. So yesterday evening I took my FIRST dose of just 1 pill. My husband and I were in the garage having a cigarette when all of a sudden my tongue started to itch!!! I thought I was going crazy cause WHY would my tongue be itching?!?!?!?! The itching spread all over my face, so I went to wash it off. Well I felt a little better then until I could feel my tongue swelling in the mouth. I yelled for A to call EMS. Well 15 fricken minutes later they arrived with me lying in my driveway unable to breathe. How scary. Suffocating is one of my worst fears of dying to begin with...So my blood pressure clocked in at 160/110, and my heart rate was 160 in the ambulance. Now I must add I am a nurse. So I understood everything they were frantically saying in the ambulance. Freaked me out. I heart the words stroke, heartattack, because my vital sign were danagerously high. My respirations were like an 8 (20 is normal) so I had to have a tube in my throat to breathe. The real kicker came when I heard them say they had to take me to the closer hospital (which is NOT the best) or I would not make it. But I am alive. I cant believe it. When I got to hold my daughter today all i could do was cry; I kept thinking that I might NOT have been around today to see her at all.....So I am officially banned from all cephalosporin antibiotics. Which is pretty much all of them, I cant have penicillan either because there is a cross over rate if you are allergic to other antibiotics....So lets just pray I NEVER get another infection!!!

Yes I know...

I have been slacking off on posting!! It has just been so darn hectic around here!! We are in the process of selling our house; actually we just hired an agent last week!! We also have been trying to coordinate where we will live once it is sold....We are moving back up north in the spring of 2007 so we have about a year to kill in Florida. Well as luck would have it; we got an aparrtment that is available in mid May...so now we just have to sell our house!!! Anyone interested?!?!?!? Beautiful house...bargain deal if you ask me!! Baby S said something new yesterday. She was shaking her head and said "no no no no no", all because she saw me going to grab a new diaper to change her bum... She is sooo funny lately. A regular comedienne. As I type this she is *supposed* to be napping. Instead I hear "Yeah....Yeahhhhh...No.....Babyyyyyy....Puppy" I love her to pieces. I mailed her biomom a card last week but I will post about that later. FYI: We have her address & phone number but she does not have ours or even know our last name...

My Timeline

I was over at Dad's HighWAY blog earlier and noticed his post on "timeline". So I thought I would put mine up also starting from taking our first class.

January 2004 : Took our first Mapp class
January 12 2004: Mailed out our references to friends; for them to fill out
February 2004: Completed our Mapp training in the middle of the month
February 22 2004: Our first homestudy appointment & fingerprinting
February 28 2004: Our second homestudy appointment
March 28 2004: Licensed Foster Parents!!!!!!
April 1 2004: First placement. "A" 3 1/2 yeard old girl & "B" 4 months old boy.
April 21 2004: Returned to Biomom
April 24 2004: J & G brothers 9 &7 years old. We knew they were a temporary placement
May 14 2004: J & G returned to grandma
May 15 2004: Baby J 12 month old boy.
May 16 2004: Returned to biomom; who had hit him with a claw part of hammer
June 1 2004: T a 3 yr old girl
June 27 2004: T reunited with biodad
July 3 2004: Baby M 2 month old girl
July 9 2004: Baby M taken in by grandma
August 9 2004: Received call on Baby S; she will be placed w us when she is discharged from hospital

August 19 2004: Baby S taken home by us
December 21 2004: Baby S bioparents signed TPR!!!!
April 2005: Bioparents rights legally terminated
May 2004:P Assigned an adoption caseworker
February 13 2006: Adoption Finalized!!!!!!!!!! Thank God!!!!

Beara's Bum Butter

My sweet baby girl has a diaper rash. A bad one. She honestly has only had like 1 small rash in all of her 18 months....So about a week ago she got a small rash. Well it has just been getting worse and worse. I tried EVERYTHING; from every ointment/creme marketed to letting her go without a diaper....On Thursday I took her to the doctors; she said baby S had a yeast infection & a bacterial infection. Yikes!!! She was on antibiotics about 3 weeks ago so that probally started it.
So now we have 2 ointments to use on every diaper change. It is horrible. She is in so much pain it just makes me cry! I made up my own special little mixture for a diaper rash creme to put over the medicine. The Pediatrician thought I should "market" my concoction! But it really does help her. So in honor of my poor little diaper rashed girl; I named it after her. Beara's Bum Butter. Her nickname is Beara....(rhymes with her name).

Homecoming Part 2

When Baby S was 2 weeks old I was contacted for the first time by her biodad. He called me when I was at work so I could not answer right away. I listened to his voicemail with my heart in literally in my throat. I decided to take a break and go outside and call him back. When "W" (biodad) answered the phone I was speechless for a minute. We chatted and he asked questions about Baby S. How she was doing, ect. By that time Baby S had a few health problems. She was a preemie; and after about a week of having her home she decided she did not like to breathe very well. She would take some pauses and sometimes would turn blue. It scared me at first but I am a nurse so I regained my composure rather quickly to revive her. That landed us a trip to the ER. She was diagnosed with sleep apnea & reflux. We were sent home after 7 days in the hospital with an apnea monitor and a bag full of medication. I explained all of this to W. He was genuinely concerned. He expressed his interest of wanting to visit her. I assured him we would set something up soon. Everything was a little hectic then. We had just been threw a major hurricane that caused major damage to our area. We set up a meeting for the following week a few days before ANOTHER major hurricane was supposed to hit near us again. We agreed to meet at a Mcdonalds. I thought that would be neutral enough. Plus he was bringing Little Boy R with him as well.

Things I would like to change about the Foster Care System

1. Add drug testing to Foster Parent screening process. I mean Hello!!! The State takes children AWAY from their biofamilies who use drugs; why should they place them into a foster family that might possibly to drugs?!?!?!!?!?

2. Enforce a maximum age limit to be a foster parent. Im only saying this because I have seen several 70+ year olds applying to be foster parents to TEENAGERS!!! That is just ridiculous in my opinion. I am 26 and I dont think I have enough of an energy level to tackle having teens around!!!! Come on, how would a person that old even discipline a teen who especially has grown up "in the system".

3. After a child comes into state custody, I would like to see them stay IN care for at least 7 days before a emergency shelter hearing is held. To have proper investigation of the reason WHY they were placed to begin with. My husband and I where placed with a 12 month old litle boy; and the judge sent him back to his mother within 24 hours. This boy was placed in our care after being hit with the claw side of a hammer by his mom. Seems the judge thought there was not enough evidence;other than the 2 prog claw makes that traveled the back length of his body to prove it was intentional......

4. There is a HORRIBLE shortage of foster parents where I am from. My caseworker told me the other day they had 458 homes and 1580 children in care in our county only.......Most homes are overfilled...I would like to see more advertising and education on recruiting GOOD foster parents....Youd be surprised at how many actually do it for the meager check you receive for each child you have....Sick....

Well I guess that is a good start for now...Im sure I will think of many more things to bitch about when it comes to foster care............

Scrapbooking...

When our daughter was first placed with us; we were not sure exactly where this journey would lead us. As foster parents we were encouraged to start a "life book" for any long term placement we may have. Basically a photo album to document the childs life at that time; so that when the child was older at least he/she would have something from their childhood. So when Baby S came to us, I decided that I would do her book no different than I would a child of my own. She was a newborn; it was up to us to document her growing up for as long as she was with us. So I went out and bought the prettiest pink 12x12 scrapbook I could find, along with all the different scrapbooking accessories to make every page memorable. My mother worried making the book would make me get "too attached". My husband worried I was spending way too much money...I saw it a different way. Whether Baby S was to be ours or go back to her bioparents; she deserved a beautiful baby album. Even if I was only to start it, I hoped someone would continue it so that she could see how loved she was. In the first 5 or so pages I was careful to keep the pictures just about her. I tucked away the pictures that included us, as I could add extra pages later if she was to be ours. If her bioparents did reunify with her; I didnt want them to be reminded of what they missed out by seeing our pictures everywhere. Needless to say I have added a great many more pages to her book. I am VERY glad I started it when I did since I am very behind now!!! I just finished her 1st birthday pictures and she is now 18 months old!! Oh well....

Homecoming Part 1

I wanted to write about our overall experience from the day we brought Baby S home. We picked her up from the hospital on 8/19/04 when she was 11 days old. Got her home and settled. Our caseworker came to see us the next week. We truly had a great caseworker, I'll call her Mrs. G. She proceeded to tell us about the bioparents; or as much as she could anyways. They were not married, the bioparents also have a 2 year old son, Little Boy R, whom the biodad was given custody of. The biomom we found out also had another son from a different dad, Little Boy D. Little Boy D lives now with his paternal grandparents. We were told how the biomom starting using drugs when she was 5 months pregnant and had no prenatal appointments whatsoever. The biomom was Baker acted after giving birth, she also has a history of Bipolar disorder. We were told since the biomom was in rehab; the biodad was granted monthly visitation by the courts. We were prepared for that. Mrs. G gave us the option of taking Baby S to those meetings or she would do them. Even only having Baby S for a week; I already felt a mothers love & protection for her. "No", I told Mrs. G, I would arrange the meetings and take her there. I even gave her my cell phone number to give to the biodad so he could call me and I could keep him up to date on Baby S. Some people didnt agree with me on that, but I wanted him to trust us, i wanted him to feel comfortable knowing his baby was being taken care of, and I wanted him to be able to access us. Afterall, she WAS his daughter. And he had done nothing wrong to warrant the state taking her from him; it was the biomom who arranged that. His only fault was that as a single dad already with a 2 year old at home; he simply could not take care of her....

Newborn Picture

Baby S at 1 day old......notice the bulb syringe is almost bigger than her head!!!

Emotions...

I am so happy I am finally a "permanent" mommy. We knew for awhile now that she was ours; but until that final court hearing, that feeling of dread never completely goes away. The TPR was signed when Baby S was 4 months old. Today she is a little over 18 months. So for 14 months we waited. And waited. We honestly had nothing more than a few papers that needed filling out. The rest of the wait was the State. For what we waited I have no clue. We were assigned our official adoption caseworker about 8 months ago. She had told us that if WE were lucky she would *try* to work on our file at the end of every month.....OH well! At least we are done. Its kinda wierd being done. I keep expecting a caseworker wanting to make an appointment for our monthly visit! I finally have closure. Its great. One thing I found strange; when the hearing was over and she was proclaimed "ours" I felt this huge wave of relief and like a teeny tiny wall that surrounded my heart had just crumpled. I had not realized this wall existed. I thought I was loving my daughter fully; completely. But I guess I had reserved the tiniest part of my love just in case. To protect my soul from the unknown of foster care adoptions. To protect myself from self destruction SHOULD something would have went wrong. Its amazing the change in my daughter since the finalization also. Maybe she is growing up a bit, or maybe her little wall crumpled also. She is so full of love and laughter. Kisses and hugs. I am so lucky to be her mom. She is honestly the BEST thing that has ever happened in my life. She makes me a better person by far.

FINALIZATION DAY!!!!!!!

Today with an extremely happy heart I would like to announce the finalization of our daughter adoption!!!! Yeah!!! She has *always* been our daughter from day 1; but today it is officially "official"! Our meeting with the judge was set for 10:00 this morning and it lasted all of 10 minutes! It was soooo~oo nice to hear her proclaimed ours forever! Our two caseworkers met us at the courthouse. All of my family lives in a different state so they were unable to attend. My sister in law &brother in law live clsoe to us but they did not show up. Errrr...But that is an ENTIRELY different post. My princess was adorable! All dressed up. I am finally able to feel some closure and blow a *BIG* sigh of relief....No one can take her from us now....I don't have to worry anymore about a caseworker showing up at our door trying to take her away.....Not that that would have happened anyways since the TPR was signed when she was 4 months old.....But as a foster to adopt parent; that thought is always in the back of your mind!!! I am soo happy right now!!! Life truly cannot get any better!!!

Baby S footprints at birth

4lbs 6 oz. 18 inches long

And then we were three;

I remember the day I picked up our daughter from the hospital. It was a warm summer day. She was 11 days old. She had spent the past 11 days in the NICU. We were not allowed to visit her until her discharge day. I was so sad, everyday I called the hospital to see if “today was the day”. She was a preemie; born 7 weeks early. She spent most of her days under the bili light treating her jaundice. At birth she weighed 4 lbs 6 oz. Tiny but perfect. They told me she had a few bradycardia episodes (slow heart rate) which gradually resolved. She was born exposed to cocaine. But you would not know it if you were to look at her. She was so peaceful and not fussy at all. She never went through withdraws thank god! When I first saw her I fell in love. I had to take the discharge class, and she had to pass her hearing test and car seat test. She passed both with flying colors. Then I had to feed her before we could leave. I had never held a baby so small before. I was so nervous. She ate good for me and we packed up her things. The nurse told me, “ Im so glad she is going to a loving family. We were all worried about her. No one has ever come to see her the whole time she was here.” What????!!!! I was sooo upset. The state worker said I could not visit Baby S, but I assumed maybe someone would visit from her bio family. Nope. No one. How sad for 11 days my daughter had no one. Did she feel forgotten? I hope not. I buckled her in her seat. Got everything set up in the car. And away we went. OMG. I was a mommy. I didn’t know for how long, but right now I WAS a mommy!!! Then I panicked myself. I got sooo nervous and scared that I had to pull off the road to throw up! What a sight that was I bet! Good thing she had no clue! We made it home safely though. My jitters and butterfly stomach had resolved. And I was a mommy.